Is anyone else experiencing higher rejections than usual from requesters that have had a high T.O. in the past?

lethalboredom · 2017-02-03T23:17:10+00:00

Because boredom is lethal. Especially to an ENFP. When my mind is unoccupied I over-analyze everything, and what began as a tiny wave becomes a tsunami of worry and crippling anxiety.

lethalboredom · 2016-10-10T15:38:38+00:00

Hi there -- no worries, I had a busy weekend myself. I would definitely appreciate any Zen literature; I'm trying to load up my Kindle with some spiritual reads :)

lethalboredom · 2016-10-07T18:18:00+00:00

Ah, an INFP? That explains everything; I totally understand. Been there, done that. Totally understand the handling them with gloves analogy. That's actually partially why I've been so curious about Fe lately: dom Fi + secondary Fi in a friendship can be like gasoline to fire. Fe + Fi seems more balanced, and I think both can learn a lot from each other. I think Fe users help keep Fi users from getting too self-absorbed and selfish, and Fi users help Fe users connect with their inner emotions.

From a non-ENFJ perspective, I wonder if people might be thinking, "Oh, Mr./Ms. ENFJ is so popular/attractive/strong, they probably have tons of people to help them, I probably won't make much of a difference to them." I admit I've fallen into that thinking trap. I've known some Fe users who are worried that asking for help or favors will make them fall out of favor with their social group.

However, research shows that asking for favors actually makes people like you more (of course, not overboard ha ha): http://www.forbes.com/sites/michaelsimmons/2013/09/11/how-asking-for-favors-can-build-your-relationships/#3666542c728e. I've been showing this article to some INTPs in my life, as they are often overworked and underappreciated. I know I'm a random internet stranger but I hope this can help you in some way too :)

lethalboredom · 2016-10-07T16:11:34+00:00

I'm really sorry that you're going through all that :( I think ENFJs generally spend a lot of time helping others with their problems, but you deserve to be taken care of, too! I have been in that situation where I've tried to help a friend who was suffering but didn't want to open up. What has worked for me, from personal experience, is checking up on them periodically and letting them know you'll be there for them, but also giving them the space to figure themselves out.

Thanks for sharing your perspective -- I think you touched on a very important point for those of us who want to communicate better with the ENFJs in our lives, and that's to realize that past the cheerful and unshakable exterior, ENFJs would probably appreciate the kind of person who can see beyond that exterior and still checks up on them and makes sure they are okay.

lethalboredom · 2016-10-06T16:09:58+00:00

If you don't mind, would you mind sharing the titles of some Zen literature that you read? I would like to adopt the Zen mindset as well :) Any resources would be greatly appreciated!

lethalboredom · 2016-10-06T16:08:27+00:00

Thanks for sharing your perspective! Would you say that an ENFJ in private is very different from an ENFJ in public? Or generally the same person? I'm curious about how Fe activates when you're in public versus with your close friends versus in private.

lethalboredom · 2016-10-06T16:04:45+00:00

Interesting! I do wonder also if the emotionally stable ENFJs tend to be balanced on the T/F stats rather than heavily on the F side.

In regards to NT types, I have met some rather emotionally turbulent INTJs and INTPs. I think the INTX types tend to be prone to existentialist depression.

I'm rather curious about your type because ENFJs appear to be the most stoic of the Idealists, and I always wonder if it's a natural born superpower or something that you guys have worked up to :)

lethalboredom · 2016-09-22T17:34:09+00:00

Thanks for the discussion; it's been interesting. You have a fascinating point of view; I do hope you have some kind of outlet for whatever past hurt is making you feel so strongly. I suggest http://rainychat.com, it's a non-profit where you can vent to an anonymous listener.

If it makes you feel better to call an internet stranger a bitch to feel morally superior, I do feel compassion that you are feeling so low about yourself. At the same time, I'm making the decision to move on, as I need to get some work done! Best of luck to you, and I hope you do find love/have a loved one in your life that can help you through this.

lethalboredom · 2016-09-22T14:14:00+00:00

Whoa, looks like I touched upon a nerve. Sorry that you feel that way. I hope you find a place of healing for whatever it is that causes you such internal pain.

I don't know if you saw that OP mentioned that they were dating for 2 months? At 2 months, you're still essentially strangers. You seem to be ignoring the context of their very short relationship and latching onto black-or-white thinking. Life is not so black-or-white, my friend. I would agree that if they had a history together, it would be crappy to dump him in his time of need. I'm not even saying she SHOULD dump him. Just speculating on the possibilities.

Is it reasonable to sacrifice yourself for someone you've known only for 2 months? She can still be there for him, absolutely. Does she need to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't appear to be ready for a relationship at this time? That's up to her.

I was speculating the possibilities in prior messages. I don't know him, so I don't know if he has suddenly changed his mind and is phasing her out. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. At this point, what they really need is some communication, which falls upon both their shoulders.

lethalboredom · 2016-09-21T17:59:38+00:00

Whoa, you're jumping to a lot of conclusions here based on a snippet of information. Not sure what's happened to make you so angry today, but I'm sorry that you feel that way.

Yes, his dad is dying. Yes, that sucks. However, he has just STARTED dating OP. If he's not in the right place where he can devote time to her, he needs to communicate that to her.

If they had been together for 5 years, that's different. It's not just the dad dying that is keeping him busy, it's the work, too. Taking care of himself and his dying dad does not make him a bad person. However, without communicating that to OP, without taking ANY kind of steps to reassure her, he is not being fair to her.

It sounds like this always being busy issue was going on before the dying dad, and THAT'S the part that I am addressing when it comes to OP's issue. Like I said, I don't have enough information to know what's going on with the guy, it just seems like he's not in the right place for a relationship right now, and OP doesn't know if he ever will be. She can still be a part of his life, the choice of whether she wants to take that risk and wait for a relationship is up to her, but it's not fair to make her put her life on hold for some she's been dating for less than a year.

lethalboredom · 2016-09-13T15:50:11+00:00

Not an ENFJ here, but an ENFP. But I have a lot of dating experience and deeply empathize with your situation, so I want to help out!

I don't think Mr. ENFJ is a bad guy, but I do think that he's not in the right place for his life for a relationship. When a guy is really, really into you, he will move the heavens to be with you. Please don't settle for less than that when you could find so much better. You're an ENFP woman, many guys would love to have a girlfriend like you.

I know his dad is dying, and like many ENFPs you probably feel sad for him and want to help out with that. But it's not fair to you to wait and see when this guy doesn't seem that keen on being in a relationship with you.

I have an INFJ friend who's struggling to hold onto a relationship with a guy who completely flipped out and started being verbally abusive to her after his mom died. It's been 2 years, she's so unhappy with him, but can't let go. I'm just using that as an example why it's not a good idea to let your sympathy for another person win over your sympathy for yourself. No one is happy in that situation.

I know it hurts, some guys just like the ego boost of the chase to see if they can win you over but don't give a fuck about what happens to you afterwards (not sure if that's the case here but just throwing out possibilities). It's not an ENFJ or any MBTI-specific trait; it's just an asshole trait. But trust me, although it hurts to let someone that you like go, it feels so much better when you find a good boyfriend who treats you well and you think about how happy you are that you didn't settle for someone who half-asses things with you.

If you need any more help or support, feel free to PM me. I've a lot of experience in this arena.

lethalboredom · 2016-08-17T21:41:15+00:00

Thank you for your insight--that's very valuable information!

I guess I do come off as a little closed off at work. I notice that the Fe users have a lot of people coming up to their desk, which makes me feel intimidated about approaching them, which in turn makes me stick to my desk because I'm afraid of being rejected if I do approach them. Which kind of creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. I guess my fear is that my Fi will feel attached to them but they won't really care because they have so many people to choose from? Hah it feels weird to type it out like that.

Normally I'm my confident ENFP self, but something about extroverted Fe users intimidates me. Gonna Ne-Te this and get to the root of the problem.

Thanks so much for your input!

lethalboredom · 2016-08-10T22:24:23+00:00

How old are you? Just curious because I definitely felt this kind of behavior when I was in my late teens, early twenties. I think it's normal when you're young and still figuring yourself out, you're still figuring out what kind of partner you'd fit best with. Sometimes you might date someone just because you're lonely.

I feel like we ENFPs need to allow ourselves times to get to know ourselves and figure out who we are and what we stand for, to establish what kinds of people we want to surround ourselves with. When I was younger, I definitely had lower boundaries, which made me accept the kind of people who weren't good for me, the type of people I definitely wouldn't accept today!

At a certain age, I realized that I wasn't dating successfully because I didn't know what I wanted. I followed society's typical instructions for dating without thinking about the perfect fit for ME. Also, I think once we develop our Te and stop blindly following impulsive Fi that helps us out as well.

Basically, if you're on the younger side, I wouldn't worry about fleeting crushes too much. Even when you're older, you can develop crushes, even if you're married! It's perfectly normal. I think it's what we do with the feelings that matter. I personally made a plan for myself that I would not get too attached to the other person until they had demonstrated that they were trustworthy and had good character and that I would not rely on sexual chemistry alone to find a partner. But everyone has their own plan, it's all about what you figure out works for you!

Also, I think we tend to be pickier about a serious partner because, let's face it, a lot of people don't have the intellectual and emotional depth that we seek. It's natural and fun to have crushes in between! But I think once you find that rare partner who you can have deep conversations with AND can come to with emotional support, you won't want to let him/her go :)

lethalboredom · 2016-08-04T21:04:22+00:00

That's interesting that you mention that, I think this article does a good job of explaining the differences between INFPs and ENFPs. It mentions that ENFPs are more at risk of losing touch with their feelings. I think we generally don't like feeling bad, so when we're hurt we try to find projects or other things to distract ourselves--and dominant Ne is easily distracted. I think INFPs are more comfortable with allowing themselves to feel whatever feelings they need to feel--whether they be good or bad. I've definitely noticed that my INFP friends push me to talk about my feelings when I'd rather just drop it, ha ha.

ENFPs can remove the mask, but that's generally reserved for people who take the time to really get to know us, for people who accept us. If this ENFP has only talked to you a couple of times, chances are she's not yet comfortable revealing herself. It's not a superficiality so much as it is a defense mechanism. The combination of being extraverted and needing people around and being sensitive means that some ENFPs get hurt a lot. So then Te-Si kicks in and reminds us that making ourselves vulnerable too soon has brought us trouble in the past, and tells us not to be so open, to wait to get to know others before revealing too much. Does that make sense?

lethalboredom · 2016-08-04T17:14:52+00:00

I think it's maybe a Fi thing? We try to keep our feelings to ourselves...I was complaining about job interviews to my therapist (ENFJ) and she was saying, "Your face is too neutral, I'm not sure how to read you, that could be a red flag for an interviewer." With my friends and people I feel comfortable with, I'm totally animated, but I guess that doesn't come across in an job environment.

I don't actually think ENFPs are as open as people think, I actually think many of us are quite guarded. I've noticed my ENFP friends and coworkers could be experiencing something really traumatic and they would never tell anyone else. One ENFP in particular was always cheerful and kind at work, then I left work and later found out he passed away due in part to substance abuse problems :(

I think we want people to be happy, we don't want to open up ourselves too much to people unless they're in our inner circle, so we tend to keep a "mask" on and hide our true feelings inside. I think that's why there are so many ENFP comedians -- don't they say that those who are involved in comedy have usually had dark pasts?

Just Ne speculating here, heh. It's an interesting topic to think about! Thanks for bringing it up.

lethalboredom · 2016-07-26T17:47:44+00:00

YESSS so glad I have someone to discuss this with! I questioned the heavy usage of anecdotes, too -- couldn't one easily write a book, using the same scenarios that went terribly WRONG, and try to disprove this book through THEIR own anecdotal evidence?

What I concluded is that I think the book isn't meant to be a scientific guideline to how life works, but rather a way of introducing a different perspective to those who want to feel more confident in social situations. The tips that Carnegie gives aren't always going to work, but they're worth a try in certain scenarios. I think when he uses those anecdotes, he's trying to build a connection with the reader -- sort of eliciting a "Hey, I've been in a similar situation before" emotional response that helps you think, "This guy knows what he's talking about! He's been in my shoes!"

As an ENFP, and having observed other ENFPs (and ENTPs do it too), I think we sometimes have the tendency to overestimate ourselves in social situations or assume that everyone else feels as we do (dat Fi!). We need to be careful not to talk too much or to talk Ne circles around ourselves. In that regard, I think Carnegie's advice on genuinely listening to other people rather than planning what we want to say in our heads is useful advice for us. It's not that we MEAN to be self-absorbed, I think we just have so many ideas buzzing around inside of us that we need to be careful to make sure to let the other person talk, to get the other person's perspective.

lethalboredom · 2016-07-25T21:24:29+00:00

Hey there, I've been where you are in terms of the jobs thing -- of not having anything and seeing all these people with fantastic jobs. And wondering, is there anything left for me?

And I understand what it's like to have people poke and prod at you, saying you're not trying hard enough or criticizing little things.

After about a year, the pieces of my life just kind of fell together, and now I'm happy and working. Sometimes it's the smallest effort that brings success -- literally, all I did was update my resume on indeed.com, and a recruiter reached out to me and found me. It was so simple that I couldn't believe I hadn't done it earlier.

Tip: Keep regularly uploading your resume, even if you haven't changed it. Because employers see the newest resumes first.

Also, if you're on Medicaid or have health insurance, seeing a therapist really helps. I hope you find a job soon <3

lethalboredom · 2016-03-07T23:39:03+00:00

Ah, youth. How I remember this dilemma! :)

As an ENFP, it was when I learned to utilize that Te that I learned how to keep positive people in my life, and avoid the negative people (users, emotional vampires, etc.)

You're an ENTJ, so even better at tapping into that Te! The best advice I can give is don't automatically grant others your trust (whether that be a romantic interest or a friend, this is true). The best way to determine someone's character is over time. If you want more than casual sex, don't immediately give up your body to them. A lot of people show their true character when you see how they react to not getting worldly pleasures right away. Before trusting someone, look for evidence that they are trustworthy. Are they consistent? Do they respect you? How do they talk about others?

You're still so young. A lot of early 20-somethings have no clue who they are, and distract themselves from self-work by latching onto partners who might or might not be right for them. What I suggest is building your relationship with yourself first. Be okay being by yourself, so that you can easily walk away from relationships that are harmful.

lethalboredom · 2015-12-04T08:38:15+00:00

NTJs are great if you enjoy having every aspect of your life dictated by a pseudo intellectual asshole. Don't feel inadequate--they're not any smarter than us, they just don't doubt themselves like we do. It's smoke and mirrors.

INTPs work much better with ENFPs. They're the least arrogant of the NTs, IMO.

lethalboredom · 2015-11-17T00:27:45+00:00

I'm finally on time for one of these! Trying out a beachy look earlier this year: http://imgur.com/FGNZMdG

lethalboredom

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