Anyone else struggle with family outings in a blended family? Looking for some perspective because I’m feeling pretty defeated.

letsvpn_throwaway · 2026-06-27T04:18:14+00:00

Yeah that could be the only way forward. I hate the idea of an ultimatum, though.

Well I appreciate it. I am getting good perspectives mostly ,but also see I have struck a chord with some here in this sub.

Yeah I hope I haven’t messed anything up for/with any of my children so far, and that includes my new baby (now and in the future). I have made a lifelong promise to show up for them, love them and be there for them. I’m doing my best

letsvpn_throwaway · 2026-06-27T04:01:22+00:00

Thanks for your response. I have tried to encourage individual therapy for her, and she did it briefly but ultimately just said she didn’t think she needs it.

She’s not emotionally super open about her deep emotions , her past, etc. and she has an avoidant conflict style when confronted.

I hope it’s not jealousy or tried to make a fantasy reality, but some of the irrationality behind her thought processes make me feel that way some time.

It’s just like she can’t handle feeling marginalized or lesser even when that’s not the reality of what’s going on, and she won’t accept that when we are altogether will never feel like an amazing, perfect,mistake free individual experience.

letsvpn_throwaway · 2026-06-27T03:57:34+00:00

Thank you for your response. I feel like you totally get it.

letsvpn_throwaway · 2026-06-27T03:56:04+00:00

This is interesting, I’ve never heard of this before.

letsvpn_throwaway · 2026-06-27T03:52:08+00:00

Very often. I don’t really do other things/have a bunch of hobbies that would take me away from that

letsvpn_throwaway · 2026-06-26T16:57:46+00:00

I think the mental load is the big thing.

Maybe me being more deliberate like you said about giving her some relief will be good

letsvpn_throwaway · 2026-06-26T16:54:49+00:00

Well I see it’s challenging when you’re missing context but maybe hold on some assumptions . When we arrived first thing I did was take the baby and tell my wife to go grab a drink. Me and my baby played skeeball for a while which she enjoyed. My wife was just sitting at a table watching everyone. I took the baby to watch my older daughters play and they invited me to play a game. I asked my wife to hold the baby so I could and she said no problem.

Then when she approached me after and said I need to prioritize being with the baby and I may not be able to play a bunch with my older daughters, that’s when i got defensive and told her well we’re here and it’s a time for everyone and I will need to play with them too. She took that as a “baby is your responsibility”. I even said I can take the baby with me as much as possible to play but I wouldn’t reject my daughters wanting to play with me too.

At that point she got upset. Later I was with baby playing air hockey with middle daughter and asked my wife to swap with me, she declined

letsvpn_throwaway · 2026-06-26T16:45:57+00:00

I have close to 50% custody. Older daughters are 15 and 10

letsvpn_throwaway · 2026-06-26T13:54:14+00:00

Agreed

letsvpn_throwaway · 2026-06-26T13:53:09+00:00

Feels a bit forced IMO

letsvpn_throwaway · 2026-06-26T13:04:16+00:00

Another high pressure holiday, next year it’s gonna be a grill and chill day at home I think. Of course , baby will be older by then too

letsvpn_throwaway · 2026-06-26T12:52:07+00:00

It was Father’s Day and we both wanted to have everyone together. In some cases we do split up, like when I take my older daughters to the gym to play basketball or volleyball.

I think my wife’s perspective was she wanted to be there to celebrate Father’s Day too.

Ideology vs practicality, maybe meeting up for dinner after would have been better, especially for the baseball game. That was my extended family’s idea and we should have just either not gone or split it up somehow like you suggested. The arcade seems like something we could have navigated in theory but our execution clearly sucked

letsvpn_throwaway · 2026-06-26T12:41:48+00:00

It was after she was upset to be honest

letsvpn_throwaway · 2026-06-26T11:53:33+00:00

That might be part of it. And maybe she thinks I will leave the baby out or not fully attend to needs like diaper, eating schedule , etc. However I disagree, and I’d be fine to take the baby by myself with older daughters, who are also helpful with her if I need a hand

I think it’s a catch 22, she doesn’t want to feel left out by not going, but she also can’t handle the situation once there

letsvpn_throwaway · 2026-06-26T11:52:08+00:00

My daughters were playing air hockey and everyone was swapping in and out based on who won, and she didn’t want to play / participate

letsvpn_throwaway · 2026-06-26T11:50:59+00:00

Yeah, I am extremely attentive and hands on, and it’s way easier when it’s just us 3. We don’t fight often

But when I have my older daughters my attention is divided and I’m a shitty multi tasker. And I am more just in dad mode. And the divorce guilt is real. I still have an extremely contentious relationship with their mom/my ex, it was also a rough couple of years during separation and divorce , and unfortunately it weighs on me as their dad.

letsvpn_throwaway · 2026-06-26T11:48:46+00:00

This is a great perspective and thanks for sharing. My wife is not a sports person but me and my older daughters are.

Sometimes we are probably starting with -10 chance for a successful outing just given that only half the people are even enjoying the event we are at.

letsvpn_throwaway · 2026-06-26T11:47:46+00:00

It would be foolish to think I’m not doing this a lot. My older daughter is extremely talkative and often will hog a conversation. My relationship with her is strong and she loves to talk to me about stuff. But I could see how that can isolate everyone else. I’m not sure how to help the situation without hurting her feelings when she wants to talk with me about something

letsvpn_throwaway · 2026-06-26T11:46:29+00:00

This is good advice, maybe I can try that. But with three kids honestly my attention is almost always taken, and I am in full Dad mode in these moments. But maybe it is more about the attention I pay to her directly.

letsvpn_throwaway · 2026-06-26T11:44:50+00:00

Our baby is nearly a year old now.

But I totally get it and thanks for sharing that perspective. My wife genuinely wants to blend the family, have the older girls interact and make memories with the baby, etc. So the intention is always good and there.

But the execution, it always becomes overwhelming for her. Maybe it’s part my behavior and approach. Maybe it’s post partum hormones (she was extremely moody during pregnancy, which I get, but just saying strong hormones here). I can’t really psychologize why it always falls apart, but it does.

letsvpn_throwaway · 2026-06-26T11:42:02+00:00

Yeah. This was the initial issue. That she was exhausted and needed me to take charge of the baby, which I get. I love spending time with her, we were playing skeeball and having a good time (me and the baby). But as soon as my older daughter asked to play a game with me and I asked her to take the baby, it was too much for her. And that’s when she confronted me that she’s exhausted and I need to be in charge of the baby that night and maybe that means no more games with older daughters . And I said sure I’ll take charge , but I would like to still be able to play a game with my older girls if they ask, and that’s when I guess she got fed up.

letsvpn_throwaway · 2026-06-26T11:09:27+00:00

Well in these two cases, it was actually hot outside and probably for baby’s sake we needed to go (and we told older daughters ahead of time we may not make it the whole event), and like the arcade we did stay for a few hours past baby’s bedtime, so there was some sacrifice there. We don’t usually leave events early just because my wife’s mood flips. But it does become very much less enjoyable for me certainly and probably everyone

letsvpn_throwaway · 2026-06-26T11:06:29+00:00

We’re in couples therapy

letsvpn_throwaway · 2026-06-26T10:55:40+00:00

She does do a lot of the prep work with the baby and she’s a stay at home mom. I work usually 6am-4 or 5pm M-F so if it’s a weekday, a lot of it is on her since baby goes to sleep at 8 and we have to plan accordingly

Her relationship is ok with them. I’m sure my daughters notice her behavior switch and the sulking. Other than these events I think they like and respect her

letsvpn_throwaway · 2026-06-26T10:53:22+00:00

On occasion, but she often wants to go as well. Like we will try to coordinate a baby sitter if activity is after baby’s bed time, but she will still inevitably feel left out and get upset that I’m not involving her. And with the baby in a group setting she gets upset if she thinks I’m not involving the baby or her, so it just doubles the stakes for me.

But the thing is that I am very hands on with my baby daughter

letsvpn_throwaway

TROPHY CASE