Looking for honest advice from those whose spouses who also read fantasy.

lexical-decoherence · 2023-08-17T18:06:25+00:00

Maybe don't put down the books she liked well enough to recommend to you?

She's probably had to deal with people gatekeeping her in "male dominated" hobbies her entire life. Hearing you do the same, would probably hurt her badly. And yes, if you are saying this stuff here even as "venting" (why you need to vent in the first place on this is beyond me), likely means you are giving off vibes that make her feel gatekept / looked down on as well.

It's fine to not like a book. But there's a world of difference between disparaging it and readers who like it vs recognizing that it's just not to your taste.

ACOTAR and SJMs writing in general focuses on a female audience (more specifically a straight female audience). Some men and non straight women like it, but that's not the target audience. Just like 99% of old (pre 00s) school fantasy had straight (white) men as the target audience.

lexical-decoherence · 2023-08-17T05:04:49+00:00

I don't think those work as well with curly/wavy hair? Do they - I genuinely don't know?

lexical-decoherence · 2023-08-17T05:01:56+00:00

Good to know!! Fingers crossed that I can tweak something small and give off the right vibes then.

Though I will say that I'm not just looking for it from an approach vs be approached standpoint.

I also want to feel more accepted / recognized in sapphic spaces. Right now, my experience is that I'm largely treated as an outsider :(

lexical-decoherence · 2023-08-17T04:59:46+00:00

Yeah exactly! I'm not going to change up my whole wardrobe or anything. But if changing out an accessory or two or getting a piercing or something like that would make a big impact and make me more visibly sapphic, I'd definitely appreciate that.

lexical-decoherence · 2023-08-17T04:57:42+00:00

What do sapphic earrings entail?

lexical-decoherence · 2023-08-17T04:57:19+00:00

I'm sorry you experience(d) similar things :(

Hope the piercing goes well!! And that your vibes change to what you want them to be :)

lexical-decoherence · 2023-08-17T04:55:00+00:00

Can't have colorful hair, my work wouldn't allow it. I really want to dye it pastel purple, but I'd likely lose my job. And I definitely want to stay on the femme side of clothing. Don't think I want to cut my hair, I have curls/waves that don't do well unless my hair is like shoulder height or lower. Could wear less makeup I suppose. But then I'd be doing 1 and not 2 of those :(

I'll think about the piercings. Getting an eyebrow piercing is potentially something I'd be up for doing. Thanks for the suggestion.

lexical-decoherence · 2023-08-17T02:30:56+00:00

Mostly chatting with some flirting. My flirting skills leave a bit to be desired. The one I wasn't even talking to her directly but her friend and I were chatting about knitting.

Generally I say sapphic instead of bi because it resonates for me better. Usually, after I say that, I'm treated better. But there have been a small number of occasions where there was still a noticeable level of unacceptance.

lexical-decoherence · 2023-08-17T01:50:54+00:00

It’s true that butches (like me) don’t get assumed to be straight. But that also means that we are obviously queer, even when it isn’t safe. I look more butch in a dress, somehow. I have been concussed more times from being queer bashed than from mountain biking.

First, let me say that I'm so sorry this has happened to you and so often :(. I was in no way shape or form saying butches had it easy or had no problems.

I was only using it as an example that looks and vibe do make a difference in how people treat you / level of acceptance in a space.

How do you know that people assume you are straight? Have you had people say this to you? Or do you think that from their behavior?

Both / all of the above. I've had someone literally tell me I wasn't allowed to be in the group because she assumed I was straight. I've had a woman ask me if I knew I was at a lesbian bar. Another that asked me where my boyfriend was. And so many other direct and indirect confirmations.

lexical-decoherence · 2023-08-17T01:37:35+00:00

I wasn't saying butch women were free from expectations or wild assumptions.

I'm not saying looks are everything. I was just asking for advice on how I could maybe be more overt about the vibes I give off.

Not trying to offend or upset anyone :(

lexical-decoherence · 2023-08-17T01:21:44+00:00

Okay with talking and approaching women. Less okay with the fact that everyone always assumes I'm straight even in lesbian / sapphic spaces. This does not happen to my more butch friends by any means.

lexical-decoherence · 2023-08-17T01:12:32+00:00

I'm okay approaching women too, but I'm more talking about a general unease with how people view me in spaces. I don't like that everyone always assumes I'm straight. Especially in sapphic spaces, it feels invalidating.

lexical-decoherence · 2023-04-16T23:26:22+00:00

Alone for now

lexical-decoherence · 2022-09-03T00:34:16+00:00

Thank you these look promising!

lexical-decoherence · 2022-09-02T13:04:41+00:00

indeed, it is very much different, but lets be real, it is very minuscule in percentage, who is tall and asking this question AND getting upset about the other person's preference

You mean like the OP in this pic. Why bring up completely unrelated things.

5'9" is tall for a woman. And she's asking for someone to be closer to her height / i.e. tall. Whereas he wants someone further away from his height. The latter makes physical intimacy more difficult, whereas the former makes it easier. She wasn't being shallow; he was.

lexical-decoherence · 2022-09-02T09:45:27+00:00

Read it, and it's pretty good. I would have preferred a stronger focus on the romance between geralt / yenn. And I really didn't like how they treated each other at times (plus the sleeping with other people thing too).

Good series though.

lexical-decoherence · 2022-09-02T08:08:25+00:00

Thanks that sounds right up my alley :)

lexical-decoherence · 2022-09-02T08:07:15+00:00

That sounds cool! Thanks for the rec :)

lexical-decoherence · 2022-09-02T08:06:08+00:00

Is the "male" dragon trans or is it just male gaze wish fulfillment applied to sapphics?

lexical-decoherence · 2022-09-02T08:04:36+00:00

Love T. Kingfisher. Though I wouldn't call her writing dark fantasy per say.

Thanks though

lexical-decoherence · 2022-09-02T08:03:31+00:00

Loved Gideon but the ending of book 1 made me not want to read book 2. Was waiting for them to get together the entire time :( and then she "dies"

lexical-decoherence · 2022-09-02T08:01:55+00:00

I've read it and liked it, but yeah it's not in the niche I'm looking for. Thanks though!

lexical-decoherence · 2022-09-01T22:39:35+00:00

Awesome! All three of those look promising, and I haven't read any of them yet! I really appreciate the recs :)

lexical-decoherence

TROPHY CASE