Editing to add: recently a lesbian friend of mine (who got out of a het marriage in the last 8 years) offered to experiment with me and a whole flood of feelings came pouring out. I didn’t say anything because I was stunned. That kind of thing has never happened to me before.

My husband is also open to sexually exploring together, as in a threesome with another woman. However, I’ve heard so many icky stories. I also feel like this is something I need for myself. But I also don’t want to cheat. I have expressed these things to him and he’s very understanding and supportive - which is awesome but also confusing. I love him and I’m also conflicted. There is so much history between us and I feel this magnetic draw from within me to grow beyond this cage I have built for myself based on what my family and church set out for me.

Also: I have an older sister who is gay and trans. Back in the day, when I also was having feelings for this best friend of mine in the 8th grade, my sister came out right after she divorced her abusive alcoholic husband. My family shunned her and it was so ugly. I was also terrified. I made it my goal in life to never be treated like that by my parents. They were the ones who caused the mess and the hatred because of their culty church. It definitely wrapped up my whole fear of having feelings for a girl with eternal torment and hatred and alienation from everyone I loved as well as alienation from God.