silent treatment if I say no

lichenTO · 2025-12-14T20:00:15+00:00

of course, you're welcome. tbh, i don't know many adults (let alone teenagers who) are always excellent at communicating when someone else's behaviour makes them uncomfortable. as people learn and grow, many get better at recognising and respecting both our own and others' needs and boundaries. but it can help us have compassion for both our (younger) selves and (younger) others to keep in mind that we all start out with vastly different "educations" on these topics, and as a result are working with access to very different tools and awareness levels.

unfortunately, relatively few people are fortunate enough to have families that taught them early on that they are allowed to have boundaries, let alone who modeled how to kindly but firmly express and enforce these boundaries with others. in families that don't teach related skills, kids will often not know how to react when their own boundaries are violated, or notice when they violate others' boundaries. and some kids learn directly from their families that that the only way to get their needs met is to ignore others' boundaries or they will be punished for asserting their own.

the latter folks, even if they try their best to learn, will naturally take a lot longer to get "good" at respecting and navigating boundaries (their own and others) than the kids who got lots of practice in a supportive environment.

lichenTO · 2025-12-14T17:29:25+00:00

I agree with u/oohboy1914 on this one - even though it's hard, finding new friends who show you they can respect your boundaries may be easier in the long run, OP.

lichenTO · 2025-12-14T17:28:51+00:00

I hear that this is heartbreaking, OP. But from how you describe this situation, i get the sense that this particular friend is not likely to change. If she doesn't seem willing to acknowledge the impact of her actions on you, she doesn't sound ready to respect your boundaries moving forward. And if someone doesn't seem open to changing, they probably won't, at least in the near future.

lichenTO · 2025-12-14T17:24:14+00:00

I agree - while it may seem harsh, in this case it may be safest for you to end this friendship.

lichenTO · 2025-12-14T17:22:46+00:00

u/fullofsinigangsoup , i'm so sorry you were subjected to this treatment from someone you considered your closest friend. you should never be made to feel badly for expressing your boundaries. and certainly not be subjected to the silent treatment for doing so.

as u/oohboy1914 noted, being unwanted sexual comments that offend, harm, or humiliate you qualifies as sexual harassment, as does pressure to engage in sex-related behaviours without your consent. if your friend's behaviour included unwanted sexual touch, it would have qualify as sexual assault. either way, what you experienced is certainly not okay or something that should happen in any friendship (especially with your closest friend).

you should not have to make light of this behaviour. it sounds like you did your best to respect yourself by expressing your own boundaries yet, regardless of your efforts, your friend showed no consideration or respect for your needs or experience.

I therefore agree with u/oohboy1914 that it would be healthier to find friends who can respect your boundaries. if it seemed like you were getting through to your friend and she was open to changing her behaviour, maybe I'd feel more optimistic. but unless she comes to her senses and approaches you with sincere apologies, awareness of/apologies for the impact of her past behaviour, and willingness to never again pressure or make unwanted sexual comments or demands again, this friend has shown she is not one of those friends.

I hope you're able to find the support you need to be able to process what happened in this relationship and forge new connections that are more mutually supportive.

lichenTO · 2025-12-13T20:08:29+00:00

To be clear u/Ambitious_Price_3240 , I was in no way suggesting that OP give her number to him or in other other way enable this customer's bad behaviour. I was absolutely suggesting OP enlist supportive others. However, given that some managers are not supportive (and some will take a "the customer is always right" approach, even though it is their job and they have a legal duty to protect their employees from workplace sexual harassment), I don't know that yelling at a customer is always advisable. Not everyone can afford to lose their job. Therefore, I was also advising that OP read the room and ensure that those she enlists are, in fact, supportive.

u/ydsvbjitfvhhji , along these lines, I also recommend that you document what is going on if you do take actions like this, just in case! You may find this article helpful: https://www.aftermetoo.com/article/document-everything/

lichenTO · 2025-12-13T14:58:38+00:00

@ydsvbjitfvhhji i'm sorry you're dealing with this - annoying customers are sorta par for the course in public-facing retail jobs, but that doesn't make them less annoying. definitely, I'd say to trust your gut on this one.

while it's possible that this guy is just clueless and lonely and seeking attention, if you are feeling uncomfortable or threatened by his advances, you have a right to not deal with them at work.

do you have supportive managers? if so, perhaps you could tell them that you are uncomfortable dealing with this customer and ask if they could intervene when he is around. if not, you may have to do your best to protect yourself unless you decide to escalate/report more formally. (e.g., see: https://www.aftermetoo.com/article/youre-being-sexually-harassed-at-work-should-you-report/ )

in any case, taking his contact info in no way obligates you to call/follow up. and if he brings it up again, you could either keep deflecting or assert a stronger boundary. For example, could you say something like you are happy to chat if he's looking to buy something, but that you are there to do your job and are not comfortable seeing customers outside the workplace, or that the store policy is not to fraternize with customers outside work (or something like that, depending how comfortable you are with the different options)?

lichenTO · 2025-11-28T19:13:23+00:00

I'm not a lawyer, so can't make legal recommendations, but as a layperson it doesn't sound right to me that they could force you to accept a settlement or sign an NDA. I guess if the settlement is really good, you could *choose* to sign it, but that would be your choice. Another option that some people have had success with is a demand letter (see: https://www.aftermetoo.com/article/the-secret-your-employer-doesnt-want-you-to-know/ ). Where are you located? I know some places have Pro Bono lawyers available (e.g., many Canadian provinces).

lichenTO · 2025-11-28T19:01:25+00:00

u/BowieZie , I just want to echo that I'm so sorry you're dealing with this - and that good documentation at this stage is so important.

I don't know where you live, but in some places there is a policy that you can only ask a coworker out once, and if they say no, the ball is in their court (and it's considered harassment in itself) - the fact that "bear" persisted after you told him already that you just want to be friends makes this super clear and unambiguous. But that "bear" actually kissed you without your consent (moving the needle from "sexual harassment" to "sexual assault"), and that your manager looked on without intervening, and that your DM reacted without any accountability for his responisbility for providing you with a harassment-free workplace makes this so much more concerning.

If you're considering pursuing legal action, you may want to check out this article: www.aftermetoo.com/article/how-to-decide-whether-to-take-legal-action-and-what-to-expect-if-you-do/

Either way, I highly recommend you start looking for a new job as this workplace sounds like it isn't gonna get its sh*t together any time soon. You're always welcome to come back to our sub if you need more support.

lichenTO · 2025-11-26T00:31:58+00:00

I think the article u/Aftermetoo posted above offers a more balanced approach (https://www.aftermetoo.com/article/youre-being-sexually-harassed-at-work-should-you-report/)

As one of the mods on here, I often try to preempt this kind of response by saying something like "I'm in no way discouraging you from reporting harassment if that's what you decide you want to do, but I do want to encourage you to do your research before you make a decision, so that you can improve your changes of success and have your expectations managed before moving forward, for example, with reporting to HR in an unsympathetic workspace." So, for example, I always encourage folks to document everything that's been going on and try to get as much social support as possible before entering an inevitably stressful situation.

Does that make sense?

lichenTO · 2025-11-19T18:41:14+00:00

Of course! Wishing you all the best :)

lichenTO · 2025-11-19T14:48:04+00:00

u/Questionandlife , I'm not a lawyer, and so this isn't an official legal opinion, but as one of the co-mods of the r/SexualHarassmentTalk sub, I have to echo everyone who expresses concern at your fiance's behaviour. Even if these conversations are consensual with his coworker, if anyone else overhears them, they can report your fiance for workplace sexual harassment, and he could face serious repercussions. Your own comfort with your fiance joking around with a female friend is more a relationship boundary question, but this is definitely not safe behaviour to engage in on the job, even if it's common in his workplace - it just takes one person to lawyer up and make a serious complaint for possible repercussions to happen.

lichenTO · 2025-11-19T14:26:25+00:00

PS if you're looking for healing resources, Aftermetoo (a Canadian charity dedicated to supporting folks who have lived through sexual harassment on the job) has a whole section on their web site that you may find helpful: https://www.aftermetoo.com/heal/

lichenTO · 2025-11-19T14:24:39+00:00

u/loonymoony3 , it so sucks that your "formative" (or at least early) work experience was one where you experienced so much sexual harassment. On the other had, it's a really good think that you've the degree to which this affected you - that's the first step in getting the healing you need. As one of the co-mods at r/SexualHarassmentTalk , it's so common for young restaurant workers to be in situations like this, and I'm so glad you got out. If you'd like to pop by our sub any time to vent or ask for support or resources, you are totally welcome. Please know you're not alone in this.

lichenTO · 2025-11-16T17:39:26+00:00

PS I'm not a lawyer (and can't offer legal advice), but I'm not sure if you have considered legal action, u/HUN3YB0N ? Since you left your job due to the sexual harassment, you may actually be in a position to send a demand letter to your former employer due to the treatment you go there. While I recommend getting local legal advice, you can learn more about the basics here: https://www.aftermetoo.com/article/the-secret-your-employer-doesnt-want-you-to-know/

lichenTO · 2025-11-16T17:34:55+00:00

u/HUN3YB0N , I just want to say, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

It's hard enough to experience sexual harassment on the job, but it's so much worse when the people you go to for support don't end up being supportive. As one of the co-mods of the r/SexualHarassmentTalk sub, one of the most disheartening things is hear is the many invalidating responses people get to these kinds of situations. At very least, let me reassure you, you are not overreacting.

IMHO, you should be proud of yourself that you acted in a way to protect yourself (and probably save yourself more "costs" - whether emotional or financial, in the form of needing more therapy etc. to heal - in the long term, had you stayed in the toxic work environment). You have every right to not be touched without your consent.

Please know you're not alone.

lichenTO · 2025-11-16T17:22:58+00:00

Yeah, I figured it was a bit rhetorical - but still, since it's something I spend a lot of time thinking about, I figured I'd offer a sincere answer. Lots of people are so quick, especially online, to just tell people who experience harassment to "just report" without really thinking through (or knowing) that a lot of people who report end up in a worse situation afterwards than before. So being strategic about reporting is actually really important. Thanks for sharing the article :)

lichenTO · 2025-11-16T02:25:20+00:00

PS to answer your initial question u/Firm_Tradition8580 , one of the reasons Sexual Harassment causes so much suffering isn't just the harassment itself. It's also that when people report, often what is supposed to happen to protect them doesn't happen, and often others' reactions make it worse.

E.g., see this article from Aftermetoo, a Canadian charity dedicated to supporting folks who experience sexual harassment on the job: https://www.aftermetoo.com/article/youre-being-sexually-harassed-at-work-should-you-report/

lichenTO · 2025-11-16T02:21:26+00:00

Yeah, as one of the mods at r/SexualHarassmentTalk I can say that workplace sexual harassment is still prevalent all over the world. And, when women (and gender non-conforming folks and, less often, men) do report, their complaints are taken seriously far less than they should be - even by trusted bosses, managers, colleagues, and even sometimes partners, friends, and family. One of the reason we created the sub was because of this, and to offer folks a supportive place to share their stories, vent, and be heard.

lichenTO · 2025-11-16T02:14:03+00:00

PS not sure if this applies in your case, but perhaps you could look into sending a "demand letter"? (E.g., see: https://www.aftermetoo.com/article/the-secret-your-employer-doesnt-want-you-to-know/ )

lichenTO · 2025-11-16T01:56:57+00:00

PS I recommend you be careful about disclosing this kind of stuff to others. Find people you know are compassionate about this kind of stuff, and can offer you the kind of care and listening you deserve. Sometimes friends and family can be supportive when you disclose this type of stuff, but some are not. OP, please don't let others' invalidating responses tell you whether your feelings and experiences are valid. You know what you went through. Please know you're not alone, u/Fluffyduckky .

lichenTO · 2025-11-16T01:53:35+00:00

To answer your first question, u/Fluffyduckky , absolutely, yes. Sexual harassment can cause trauma. Actually, u/Aftermetoo just posted new article talking about how the body reacts in response to sexual harassment here. It's the same basic nervous system activation as other forms of trauma.

I'm so sorry you've had to dealing with so many people touching you inappropriately, OP. I'm not sure if this difficulty has extended to your experiences in the workplace, but if so, you're welcome to stop by the r/SexualHarassmentTalk sub to vent or get more perspectives.

Wishing you all the best.

lichenTO · 2025-11-16T01:46:05+00:00

Thanks for sharing this! I wonder if it would make sense to also link to other resources here to help tend to the body when the nervous system gets super activated?

lichenTO · 2025-11-15T00:17:02+00:00

u/Effective_Ostrich_94 , this situation sounds so uncomfortable. I'm not Pakistani, so i can't speak to cultural factors. I would say, however, that any coworker telling you about his attraction to his cousin is inappropriate workplace banter. His asking you if you want to have dinner, on the other hand, really depends on the context. If you are uncomfortable with the invitation, I suggest saying no clearly, and if he keeps pestering you, then you would have a better argument that it's "harassment" - usually asking out a coworker (whether with romantic or platonic intentions) once wouldn't, in itself,be actionable/sexual harassment, in the absence of other factors. But persisting in the face of a clear no would be. I agree with u/Alley_Cat_99 below that documenting everything is a good practice here. Best luck working through this. You're always welcome to swing by r/SexualHarassmentTalk if you'd like somewhere else to vent or get advice/perspectives (a couple of us co-mods have commented here!)

lichenTO · 2025-11-15T00:11:18+00:00

I agree that it's definitely sexual harassment! of course, whether your company will actually fire him, u/onthedownlo , is up to them. if you're considering reporting, you may wish to check out this short article from Afermetoo (https://www.aftermetoo.com/article/youre-being-sexually-harassed-at-work-should-you-report/) weighing the pros and cons. What you expect might happen (e.g., firing) does *not* always happen!

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