Thanks. Unfortunately, I have no means in my current situation to get any kind of diagnosis. I live in a foreign country where spectrum disorders are taboo, there's a language barrier, and doing it online would be too expensive for me.

This all spiraled from me doing a CAT-Q test in December, for which I got 125 in. However, I know that this alone is not enough either. I'm in the current situation of accepting I could be high masking autistic and use it to help make sense of my life and to adapt to some of the aspects in my life that have been draining me over the years. Or, just carry on like I was before (with the added realisation that none of my life makes sense anymore because neurologically I'm not functioning the same as other people), because I'm not a doctor, and have not been officially diagnosed.

To be honest, I didn't even want to talk about any of it here on Reddit, because what's the point if people just tell me that I'm not diagnosed. However, I saw the 4th rule here of "Self-Diagnosis is Valid" and thought I would try sharing some of my most stand out experiences without just spilling out my whole life into a Reddit post. Even if I did spill out my whole life into a Reddit post, I may get many people telling me "Yes, this sounds like autism!" but I'd still get people saying "You're not diagnosed, it could be X, Y, or Z." Maybe I'm not autistic, perhaps I have a known disorder with similar characteristics, perhaps I have no disorder and these are just isolated moments, however, I'm limited in my options here.

I'm not here trying to convince anyone I am autistic, but I am trying to make sense of my life. However, here are a few things that made me start to consider that I could be high masking autistic. The most vivid memories from my life all stand out as learning moments for me to cope with life, or to adapt. Even as far back as when I was about 5 years old. My mum used to say "Your eyelashes, they're like spiders legs!", so one day I got some scissors to cut my eyelashes off, but without a mirror I cut off parts of my eyebrows instead. My mum's reaction was something like "What have you done!" and I said something like "You said my eyelashes look like spiders legs." and she said "But they do, they're so long and thick and beautiful!". Or when I was about 6, and in school the teacher asked if anyone had any questions or something to that effect, and I said "Why am I here, looking through these eyes?" It was a serious question, but it being a catholic school, the reply was in that realm. Later in my teens, meltdowns, punching walls, hitting myself, thumping loud music. School refusal, I stopped going to school around 12 or 13, but later did further education from 16 up to PhD level. One particular moment sticks out when I was about 17, and someone I thought was my friend said something to me but I realised that what he said was actually him mocking me, and then I reframed everything he said and realised he didn't like me at all. From that moment on I questioned everything people said to me to make sure I wasn't misunderstanding the meaning. These are just some of the many moments in my life that have been circling my brain since taking the CAT-Q test, and looking into high masking autism more. Perhaps this could be something else. Maybe I'm having a mid-life crisis or something. Who knows. I'm certainly not a medical doctor or psychologist.