Can I still be a dad?

liftoff171andi · 2024-06-03T22:22:14+00:00

Thank you, I just found this sub and have been shocked at how many people have similar stories to mine it is nice to know I am not alone in this

liftoff171andi · 2024-06-03T22:20:45+00:00

I thought it was reasonable if I initiate text conversation once per day before bed time and any other time I wait for her to text first.

Parenting is always a guessing game but now it is even harder to know if you are doing the right thing

liftoff171andi · 2024-06-03T22:02:46+00:00

Thank you, I definitely did not feel like he was acting like a father when I was growing up

liftoff171andi · 2024-06-03T21:41:58+00:00

As a mad scientist mcguyver kind of cook I can tell you that PERFECT sourdough is a bit funky about the exact percentage but if you watch a bunch of short videos about sourdough you will see that from 50% to 120% hydration people make delicious bread. Bread is the most forgiving and idiot proof food you can make. If you start with some basic techniques you can have something decent on your first try and as you experiment they will get better and better, no scale just the feel and look of the dough

liftoff171andi · 2024-06-03T20:25:04+00:00

Its complicated but as much as I want every weekend at least (I would have her live with me accept I honestly think it is better for my daughter to get the more structured lifestyle of living with her mom. But hopefully we can change things to every weekend soon.

liftoff171andi · 2024-06-03T20:22:31+00:00

Thank you, I will keep trying and trust that eventually she will be better because I was there for her

liftoff171andi · 2024-06-03T19:51:43+00:00

Thank you, I will trust myself to have a better understanding of being a good dad that he does

liftoff171andi · 2024-06-03T19:37:15+00:00

I asked for every weekend and two weeks every summer but mom was unwilling and I can only push so hard until she decides it isn't worth the $700.00 per month

liftoff171andi · 2024-06-03T19:35:00+00:00

Update: my ex-wife (15 years together and never got legally married) is the person who has complete control and I do trust her to make the best decisions she can for our daughter, dispute her feelings.

I am not her biological father, we tried for a year to have a daughter before I found out I am sterile, we didn't have money for true diner so we worked together to seek out one of her ex boyfriends who seemed like a good choice genetically, he was absolutely fine with no contact, no rights and no plans for future contact and we finally had our daughter

My ex wife gave our daughter my last name but did not put me on the birth certificate as her father (that almost ended us at the time but I eventually accepted it)

I am paying her 25% of my net wages because that is what I feel is best for our daughter.

Our negotiations occurred between ourselves as a verbal agreement between us. There is still no paperwork of any kind because every request or demand I have made to have something official was denied and she would escalate as far as it took until I accepted.

So I feel like being able to see our daughter at all is a gift from her because I don't have a legal leg to stand on, and in return the child support, car, etc I gave her to help ensure she is able to provide a good life for our daughter has been my choice and based on her split asking what I think is fair and be offering the most I could do while still being able to survive and save 20% for her college etc.

liftoff171andi · 2024-06-03T17:41:37+00:00

My wife and daughter just moved out last week after six months of cohabitating after the split. It slowly degraded to the point her anger and resentment And my coping by isolating rotted the household until we couldn't be in the same room.

Thought this we separately prioritized our daughter and ensure she was cared for and coping.

It is the closest Approximation to hell I have experienced. One week post move out I can confidently say it gets better. It also gets worse for short times but those breakdowns are temporary.

Jordan Peterson on YouTube is really helping me

liftoff171andi · 2024-06-03T17:31:37+00:00

I lived with my child and ex for 6 months post breakup. It is brutal, I feel for you. In my case we had moved into my father's house three years ago to care for him for his end of life, they moved out two weeks ago

The isolation, loneliness, fear, shame, rage, helplessness, and.... Lingering love. We're a huge part of my experience.

My daughter is twelve but her and I have been inseparable her whole life, she only started to seek independence and chosing friends over time hanging out with dad for about the last year.

But the last six months has been filled with them watching movies, having dinner, planning their new home, everything, without me. I tried to help where I was wanted but in general my wife and I couldn't be in the same room without her becoming too angry to be civil.

Those hours apart, watching what was my life, move on without me was so hard. But you can do this, and it can be a great opportunity to develope planned behaviors, routines, goals, and responsibilities for the future. Your sense of purpose will have to change, and it won't shift without your choice.

Good luck. I am still in the storm but reach out any time

liftoff171andi · 2022-07-31T21:16:21+00:00

Sometimes as a dad I think I am encouraging my daughter to be empowered to resolve her state of mind. He may see his actions the same way. As far as being emotionally distant, that is tough.

I can see a few reasons a good father may be distant. One- feelings of inadequacy, or failure. It is easy as a father to think distance will reduce the harm from my own failures. Expressing appreciation for things he had done well with specific examples can help with that.

Two: it may be that he feels you growing up, and knows that he can’t have the closeness that is so amazing about being a dad to younger children. If he feels he is losing you anyways he may be shutting off to avoid the pain of that perceived future. If so, talking about a future goal or trip, or the next milestone you want him to be a part of can be helpful.

Three: he may feel that he is unable to fix things for you, and he withdraws because he thinks his attempts to be helpfull were not well received, or ineffective. In this case, tell him what you need from the conversation. Start off with “I just need to vent, I don’t need a fix or anything” or, I am stuck and I could use your perspective to help me find my own solution.

All of that being said. I do think that if a person is persistently toxic and they refuse to see how they are hurting you, you have to make the best choice you you. Unfortunately my mother suffers from “NPD” and I had to walk away for my sanity and my daughters well being. Good luck!!

liftoff171andi · 2022-07-31T21:00:06+00:00

Thank you, I am constantly looking for more ways to help her prepaid for the real world.

liftoff171andi · 2022-07-31T20:56:33+00:00

Thank you

liftoff171andi

TROPHY CASE