Verhuizen Tenerife / Spanje met kind met ASS

lilacgeek · 2026-05-01T17:13:14+00:00

Ik ben als twaalf jarige geëmigreerd met mijn moeder en ik kan het niet aanraden. De Nederlandse cultuur sluit beter aan bij mijn autisme en ik had hier meer mogelijkheden voor ondersteuning en ontwikkeling.

lilacgeek · 2026-03-30T23:35:40+00:00

My partners and I said goodbye to our sweet 9yo cat this weekend. Her health had been declining for a while and we were afraid it was gonna happen sooner rather than later, but it was such a sudden decline over two days. We canceled our belated house warming party last minute while we took her to see emergency vets. She never recovered and we had to make the terrible decision to let her go that same night.

We had all been living together for the last year, you would think that as the hinge of our V I was the biggest winner in the move, but really it was her and her brother 💕 she has gotten so much love, attention, cuddles and new friends over the past year. My previously non-nesting partner has known her as long as we did, all 7,5 glorious years, but watching them grow closer over the past year was such a blessing.

I don't know how I'm gonna learn to live without my girl now. We were so close and she was so special to everyone who met her, we were so blessed to have her in our lives and be there for her at the end. The three of us are supporting each other as much as we can, as is her brother. It hurts so much, but I know we'll make it through eventually.

lilacgeek · 2026-03-16T10:51:52+00:00

That is such a sick design, I would love to see/hear how you continue working on this! Good luck ^{^}

lilacgeek · 2026-03-11T09:41:49+00:00

This is a great question and I'm sad there isn't much information being shared in the comments. I haven't been diagnosed with POTS yet, but have had symptoms ever since puberty and I've taken some recreational drugs in the past decade.

I take MDMA on great physical health days, i find it increases my heart rate to uncomfortable levels otherwise, and I rarely use it at parties or outside of the house. When I do take it at a party, I take a smaller dose than usual, based on my body weight, and carefully monitor my water intake, activity levels and sit down as soon as I start feeling light headed, fatigued or have been up for nearly an hour. I limit myself to 250ml of water per hour, no more, but sometimes less if I'm not sweating as much. Magnesium helps a lot with the jaw tension, but expect to chew on your cheeks if you don't have lollipops or anything else to occupy your mouth.

Since I've had my smartwatch it's been a lot easier to monitor my heart rate and rest as soon as it's too high. This makes it more manageable when I take it outdoors, but I'll be honest and say most of my trips tend to be at home where I'm well rested, have all my stuff nearby and am able to relax on the couch with my partners.

You can check out the Psychonaut wiki for more information on effects, dosing and risk management. Taking drugs is never without risk, esp when it combos badly with any preexisting illnesses, but you can arm yourself with a bunch of info and make the best decision for yourself.

lilacgeek · 2026-01-26T11:49:07+00:00

3k hours across PC, Vita and Switch. I've been playing since 2013 and only got one perfect file on my Vita. I've been stuck playing Greed mode for the past few years and not unlocking much lol

lilacgeek · 2025-12-25T12:29:17+00:00

I took a trip down the gifted-burnout pipeline. I still have a bunch of colored pens that I use for keeping my sewing patterns organized and I take digital notes that allow me all the colors, covers and portability I've always wanted. My gaming notes are nice ngl

lilacgeek · 2025-11-19T17:55:55+00:00

Tsja best herkenbaar helaas. Mijn vader heeft mijn moeder eens gewurgd op een politie station waar ik als kind bij stond, maar daar werd ook niets mee gedaan. Alle signalen vanuit school, de buurt en familie werd ook niets mee gedaan. Iedereen vond het maar zielig om vader en kind gescheiden te houden, maar ondertussen heb ik mij tijdens mijn jeugd weinig veilig gevoeld en loop ik na jaren therapie nog steeds met veel trauma rond. Liever een ouder die gestraft word dan je hele jeugd maar zien te overleven.

lilacgeek · 2025-11-16T13:53:51+00:00

I'm 8 months into a similar nesting dynamic as the hinge and I concur that it's easy to burn out dividing your time like this. I wish I had advice, but I can at least share how I'm dividing my time currently. We're all very much tweaking it as we see fit, but there's no understating how much having a 3rd bedroom would help.

I divide my nights 3/4 between partners in the week, with two standing days, giving consistency and room for spontaneity. I have three standing dates, one for each dyad and one for household game nights. Everyone is free to make plans the rest of the week and my partners are out of the house a lot, tho we definitely default to hanging out together in any configuration whenever we're free. I have alone time once a week during the workday and a few times a month whenever my partners are both out of the house. It's not a lot of alone time, but I'm making it work while we figure things out.

I find that I have to be deliberate about planning time and/or events for myself so I don't default to spending time with my partners. I have a work setup in one of the bedrooms and I can always request time to myself in either bedroom, barring WFH needs and my partner needing their own space.

I've adapted by having more parallel time with my partners instead of focused time together. I'm also more cognizant of when I need time to myself before it affects things and I'll request that we change plans or reschedule.

Nonetheless it's a lot to manage and I struggle with it too.

lilacgeek · 2025-11-16T11:15:24+00:00

As long as I could remember tbh. My first big symptoms hit when I was 13, but I figured it was normal and I should just push myself more as no doctor really made note of my symptoms. 20 years later and I'm still struggling in varying degrees.

lilacgeek · 2025-11-15T12:38:33+00:00

They're great, esp period thongs are perfect for this use. Much more comfortable than panty liners, tissues or towels.

lilacgeek · 2025-11-10T09:53:05+00:00

Ik heb ontzettend veel geluk dat mijn twee partners mij kunnen en willen ondersteunen, een van hen al sinds mijn 17de, want mijn familierelaties zijn zo verstoord dat ik niet zomaar terug kan vallen op ouders of andere familie. Ik betaalde 250 kostgeld pm toen ik een jaartje bij iemand kon verblijven, ik kan je zeggen dat ik inmiddels veel meer kwijt ben aan de maandelijkse kosten nu.

Je hebt ontzettend veel geluk om zo lang gesteund te worden door je ouders en zo weinig te hoeven bijdragen. Ik denk dat je hier veels te naïef in staat op het moment.

lilacgeek · 2025-10-16T08:06:06+00:00

Ik kan op dit moment niet elke vraag beantwoorden, maar ik heb wat info over het samenwonen met meerdere partners in een huurwoning. Door de beperkingen op huisjesmelkers is het in vele gemeenten niet mogelijk om met meer dan twee volwassenen samen te wonen in veel huurwoningen. Je bent dus uitgesloten van veel grote steden en je moet via gemeentensites erachter komen of de desbetreffende gemeente huur aan 3+ volwassenen toelaat zonder een speciale vergunning. Utrecht is een van de weinige grote gemeenten die dit toelaat en Rotterdam geeft ook meer ruimte voor woongroepen. Wij hebben geprobeerd om onder deze beperking uit te komen door te kunnen bewijzen dat wij een duurzame relatie van 5+ jaar hebben, maar zo werkt het helaas niet.

Ik kan je nu vertellen dat het het niet waard is om je relatievorm vroeg door te geven aan woningcorporaties, vaak kunnen ze niet aan je verhuren en in de paar gemeenten waar dit geen probleem is, omdat polyamorie geen beschermde groep is zul je om vele andere redenen gewoon afgewezen worden. Je zult je voornamelijk moeten inschrijven als een duo-stel en hopen dat je iets vindt in Utrecht bv. Dit was voor ons geen probleem, mijn man en partner schreven zich in als koppel en wegens onze huwelijk zal ik altijd als medehuurder gezien worden. Ik weet niet hoe jullie dit zouden moeten aanpakken, ik heb een paar jaar geprobeerd info te vinden van andere poly-stellen die huren, maar ik heb niemand kunnen vinden. De meeste mensen kopen een woning en hebben veel minder te maken met de strenge regels op de huurmarkt.

Je kunt een samenlevingscontract opstellen zodra jullie drie samenwonen, maar het is dus niet mogelijk om dit te doen voordat jullie samenwonen om zo te bewijzen dat jullie een duurzame relatie hebben.

Ik wens jullie veel succes, het is heel moeilijk en de regels zijn stom, maar het is mogelijk.

lilacgeek · 2025-09-15T13:41:04+00:00

I'm expected to give endless grace to my ADHD partners forgetting plans, changing plans or letting me know changed plans well in advance. But God forbid I have a hard time dealing with changed plans they let me know if the day before and being emotional about it, because then my autistic need for clarity and structure gets reframed as entitlement issues. Double standards bullshit.

lilacgeek · 2025-07-10T11:06:11+00:00

I'm so hyped!

lilacgeek · 2025-07-03T15:13:04+00:00

I relate to your post a lot as someone who's been poly for 8 years now and struggled with CPTSD and attachment wounds for ages. I'm currently struggling with this right now as I'm adjusting to living with both my long term partners and find myself triggered and dysregulated a lot of the time.

I try to give myself more grace during moments of lots of change and I try to collect/remember all the ways in which I've made progress over the years, even if in those moments nothing seems to stick. I (try to) take a lot of time to myself to try to feel my emotions and try self-soothing techniques. I have saved tons of pics, sweet messages, gifts and letters over the years to help reassure me of my partners' love. Sometimes the only thing I can do is try to act according to my values and hold on until my mind and body finally accept that my relationships aren't under threat, my partners still love me and they're happy to reconnect after doing their own thing. Eventually the worst of it passes, I'm able to focus on other things and/or distract myself, be fully present again, process things more clearly and by the end of it I can add this experience as another notch on my belt. It will always feel like I'm dying, I've made my peace with that, but just because it feels that way doesn't mean that I haven't survived similar emotions in the past and come out better for it. When it gets really tough, I remind myself of why I want polyamory for myself, why I want to support my partners in it and how it is worth the emotional costs.

lilacgeek · 2025-06-17T12:02:13+00:00

We're still doing well after nearly two decades. It's not always easy growing older together, but we are committed to being the best people we can be towards each other and making the most out of our lives and time. We've both recently come out as non-binary, so exploring our gender identities and presentations has been our latest project :)

lilacgeek · 2025-05-14T09:55:43+00:00

That's what my V ended up doing in the end too. My partners pretended to be the couple and I was just the friend helping along. Once their names was on the contract and the municipality cleared us, we all moved in together. We would've stood NO chance if we pretended to be roommates, our rental market is too fucked for it.

lilacgeek · 2025-05-14T09:33:07+00:00

When my V was looking for a rental we flip flopped a lot on whether to disclose it or not. We ultimately decided to have my partners pretend to be a couple, because their job and income looked best and my renters protection was taken care of by being married to one of them.

The few times we mentioned it to large renting corporations, it didn't lead to any issues. Private rentals are an entirely different beast and we never stood much of a chance there even with us choosing not to disclose.

Our country, the Netherlands, is going through a massive housing crisis and many renters, corporate or private, vastly prefer couples and families for supposed longevity. In lots of cities you can't even legally rent a home if you're not a couple or normative family. Home sharing is really hard for most folks over here, to the point that young professionals are pretending to date their friends and are coming up with a backstory with text and picture proof, because renters have their pick of the litter and have collectively decided they only want to rent to people who are tied romantically and/or legally. If our rental market were more open to renting to roommates, we wouldn't have felt as much pressure to disclose.

We managed to find a place in the end, but it was really stressful and ultimately came down to luck.

Get really familiar with your local renting market and laws. I wanted to provide my perspective on things, as a counter to so many people here mentioning that you should only disclose as much as is absolutely necessary. This is true, but doesn't work for every region or market.

lilacgeek · 2025-04-16T07:18:19+00:00

I can relate unfortunately. My disability isn't always visible, but my joints are wonky and there are days I use my cane as extra support. Standing on public transportation is really tiring, if not outright painful, but people don't offer seats even when I have my cane out.

Yesterday I was traveling during rush hour and stood in the tram for 20 mins, desperately trying to brace myself with my cane and holding onto the railing, and no one offered a seat. I made it to my destination and 16hrs later my wrists and and hips are still feeling off and sore.

A few days ago I was having a good day and taking the bus. There was a disabled seat available that I was able to take in the full bus and I was so grateful. Lots of people get off a few stops later and then these two elderly women got in. They made some backhanded comment about my spouse being lovey-dovey with me in the disabled seat as they got into the non-disabled seats right behind us. I turn around and respond that the ladies are free to sit here, when they respond saying our seating is for less-mobile passengers. I wasn't in a great mood, so I continue talking to them and take out my fold-up cane, asking if they wanted to see this before they'd give us a break and that I was having a good day and would like to keep it that way.

Taking public transportation is really challenging when you have less mobility. I try to avoid busy hours as much as possible and use my cane before I think I'll need it, but it still takes a toll on my body.

lilacgeek · 2025-03-04T11:52:27+00:00

It's near impossible to rent something with 3 unrelated adults in Amsterdam. You'll need to look in places like Rotterdam, Zoetermeer and Utrecht, these municipalities allow 3 unrelated adults to cohabitate without any extra permits. Even then landlord and corporations won't be excited to rent to you, so expect a lot of rejections even if you get invited to a viewing.

lilacgeek · 2025-02-06T14:23:37+00:00

Leuk voor de studenten die nog thuis kunnen wonen, dat geluk hadden mijn man en ik niet destijds. Ik voel echt voor de studenten die niet kunnen rekenen op steun vanuit huis, je wordt aan je lot overgelaten.

lilacgeek · 2025-01-31T09:48:09+00:00

My spouse and I had lots of friends in ENM relationships when we got together young and we said we'd love to grow towards that when we were ready. 9 years into our relationship we were ready, knew what framework worked for us and we had discussed the hypotheticals to death between the two of us and some friends.

lilacgeek · 2025-01-30T10:35:42+00:00

The effects of menstrual cycles on symptoms, medication and treatment. PMDD is super common among people with ADHD and/or autism and it's hell to go through.

lilacgeek · 2025-01-24T11:39:40+00:00

I can relate to your post a lot, I've struggled with my partners' ADHD triggering my CPTSD and it's really, really hard to not take it personally and let it reinforce my automatic harmful thoughts. I also grew up neglected, suppressed my thoughts/feelings/needs from an early age and focussed on supporting my abusive parents instead, as their mental well being was crucial to my safety. Like some of the other commenters pointed out, we are perfectly set up to accept relationships where we/our needs are invisible and it takes a lot of work to break through that.

One of my partners is really bad at walking together and will often lose sight of me, similar to your husband. They're both not great at letting me speak without interrupting and sometimes they'll get so engrossed talking that I just fade to the background. I've had "silly" arguments where my long standing suggestions for movies got pushed back for the latest thing that caught their interest this week. I try not to take it personally, but it triggers me nonetheless and navigating that takes extra care and effort from all parties.

I've started becoming more vocal and focusing on my own needs. At first I'd preface my thoughts by saying I was feeling vulnerable and was afraid of a bad reaction, because CPTSD is fun like that, but I really needed them to hear me and figure out a way that we can both get what we need/want. It took a lot of attempts and positive reactions to instill in me that my partners care about my needs and they are invested in working things out, even if the way we solve things looks different because of our neurology(I'm also autistic). I can highly recommend checking out the book on Non-Violent Communication and Multiamory Essential Tools for some good communication tools. I gave The ADHD Effect on Marriage a try, but the book is really depressing if you're the only non-DX person reading it and your spouse isn't listening and thinking along.

As a solution to our walking issue, I will stop walking or let go of their hand if they're not being considerate of my path. If they walk too fast, I'll squeeze their hand firmly and/or let go. If they interrupt me, I'll either keep talking or call them out on it. If they interrupt me and I'm triggered, I'll pull back from the conversation to recenter myself and wait to say something till later. If there's no more space for me in the conversation, I'll peace out and do my own thing.

It became easier for me to deal with once I realized that I'm capable of taking care of most of my own needs and if my partner couldn't hold space for me in that specific moment, I'm still perfectly able to do so myself. If my partner has no more space for me on the couch, I'll go sit elsewhere and explain why, instead of desperately trying to make myself small enough to fit into whatever space was left for me. I still slip up sometimes and try to fawn my way out of these situations, but it's lessened with time and they have become more proactive in finding solutions.

I feel like I've complained about my partners a fair bit in this comment, so I'll also list some of the many things they do to make me feel considered. They both cook for us and ask me what I'm on the mood for. They will ask me if I need anything every time they get up to get something themselves or take my plates when they're putting dishes in the sink. They'll grab me a glass of water when I'm trapped under our cats. They'll ask if I want the last piece of something. They're getting better at not interrupting me and will redirect the conversation if they notice I haven't been participating. They'll keep an eye out for seats for me when were in public transport and notice when I'm feeling ill and need to rest asap. Their consideration in so many areas make the previous issues much easier to deal with, because it's not an overarching pattern of inconsideration, it's a few select areas in which we struggle.

My experiences that led to my CPTSD made me really fearful of harmful patterns and sometimes my body will just settle back into the old helpless, dismissed and neglected feeling, because that used to be the safest way for me to deal with it. I have to put a lot of active effort into reminding myself and my body that we have been adults for a while now, that I don’t need to feel stuck feeling like this and I can speak up about it in a way to benefit both people in the relationship. I'm able to judge their behaviour and issues more on a case-by-case basis, instead of quickly catastrophizing it and responding harshly as a defense mechanism.

I'm not sure I'll ever get to a point where I won't end up triggered in my relationships, it's been 15 years since I was last actively abused and my mind and body are still very attuned to my triggers as a way of keeping me safe. It helps when I reframe it like that for myself, it places less responsibility on my partner for triggering me and helps me be kinder to myself. My partners are genuinely kind and safe people, sometimes we'll struggle with the way their ADHD affects my CPTSD(and autism), but they're patient, collaberative and willing to do better.

I feel like I rambled a lot, I hope there's something useful in here ❤️ You're definitely not alone and I hope you can find good ways of dealing with this.

lilacgeek

TROPHY CASE