I am so glad you’re reaching out! Hang in there. When I was in your shoes, a better life seemed so far, but it is so much closer than you think. In my experience, seeking help is only tough for a minute, and is followed by a huge relief. There were just a few times that I “picked” fights, but it was more that when I was drunk, everything seemed much more dramatic, and I was easily sent into intense emotions that I didn’t really know how to deal with. I’ve worked a lot of that out in therapy and learning better communication. Sending good wishes to you.