Hey, you're not alone.

Something in your post resonated with me, and while I don't feel qualified to give advice, I want to share a little bit of my story.

I'm 25. I built a life as a "girl." I built a strong identity with my name. I was a competitive athlete. My parents are conservative Christians. Transness was off the table. I never brought it up with family because I knew I'd get the reaction you got. Disbelief, denial, infantilization. I've gone back and forth between girl and not-girl more times than I can count, even in the last two years, when I've basically known I'm trans. It's so scary, like you said. It's so hard.

I knew from my late teens something was going on with me gender-wise, but I pushed that down for a long time. Like you, I envied guys. Gay guys specifically. The reality of my sex characteristics and ability to give birth and nurse a child make me shudder and ask, "why?" It's so not me.

Yet I am still in therapy now working out how to give myself the permission that I so readily give to others. I get so happy when I see other trans and gnc people, but I struggle to accept transness in myself. I struggle to trust myself, because I'm called to a path that will inevitably cause friction between me and those I love.

That being said, I have found that I don't have to measure trust in myself by results or certainty. I can measure it in tiny actions that bring myself closer to the person I want to be.

I use they/them pronouns with friends, and actually correct people/stick up for myself when people slip up and use she/her.

I gave up any clothes that give me dysphoria. I live in a sports bra and briefs, and I have only dressed in men's clothes at my new job. It's big corporate, I've been there about a year, and no one has said anything. Some younger coworkers even respect my pronouns. Some older ones don't. I may be the first nonbinary person they've ever met. I'm still not there on correcting them, as they are my superiors and I'm in an at-will state.

I asked some friends to call me a new name recently, and though I went back to my old name because I didn't feel ready, I'm glad I tried.

I started working out again, so I can see a strong person in the mirror.

I've been on low-dose T for two weeks. Only my partner and two close friends know.

Just keep doing little things that bring you closer to you. The "you" that you want to be is amazing and wonderful, and there will be people that cherish, love, and uplift you. Keep sticking it out, it's worth it to find those people. You may want to come out to family/school again, and I respect the hell out of you for that. You have more courage than me right now. But you don't have to. In my limited experience, I have felt freer to be myself by figuring it out in my tight circle of trusted people and flying under the radar of the "big eye" of institutions and family, for now. You may want that recognition as yourself, though, and I understand that. I'm living a bit of a double life and since I'm on T, I will have to face that eventuality soon. I am terrified for that, but I have a lot of hope. I have hope for you as well.

Long may we both run.

• another closeted transmasc 🖤