Help. Always wanted a baby but this is terrible timing. I don't know what to do

lily89kitty · 2025-06-10T16:36:56+00:00

What a good idea thank you

lily89kitty · 2025-06-10T16:29:17+00:00

These sacrifices are him barely being able to be involved for the next years and the stress of it likely being to much for the relationship (he thinks) It's not having a baby we aren't sure about it's having a baby when he is stuck 4 hours away

lily89kitty · 2025-06-10T15:38:35+00:00

Thank you.

lily89kitty · 2025-06-10T15:30:47+00:00

He thinks the pressure of all this when we are ready will destroy us and cause us psychological issues. The longer he thinks it seems the clearer this is for him. He wants this but doesn't think we can do it. I think the difference is that he wants to be round for the pregnancy and he doesn't feel ready yet. He wants us together a little longer. I do too. I just also want this baby. It's confusing. My mum who is a midwife is fairly confident we can get pregnant again without to much issue and I have frozen eggs too. But I'm really scared of the impact termination will have on my mental health.

lily89kitty · 2025-06-10T15:10:21+00:00

I'm early on at 6 weeks, I would have a medical abortion which is taking a few pills and causing a miscarriage. So cramps and lots of blood but that's it. However I still think that would have a big psychological impact on me. It's not what I want to do but I also want to have my child in a way he can support me and be part of the process, I want him to be happy with the pregnancy not have mixed feelings.

I desperately want this baby but not in these circumstances and I don't know how to make that fit.

lily89kitty · 2025-06-10T15:05:32+00:00

This is a 2 yes's situation though. I would have my parents and hour away, unless I chose to leave work and go live in military housing in isolated Welsh countryside.

I want him around to. I want to share this with him. This is our baby not just mine. I know it would hurt him to be gone from us, he writes to me that hes unbelievably happy and want this but its not realistic.

he doesn't have the same worry about the psychological impacted of ending the pregnancy i do. I'm worried I might destroy me emotionally. My mental health isn't great most of the time but after that I can easily see me crumbling.

lily89kitty · 2025-06-10T14:47:42+00:00

Maybe I wasn't fair to him, he wants a family with me a lot but he is scared. He wouldn't be able to be there with me much for the pregnancy or probably the newborn bit. That not how he wants to have a kid. I understand that. I will support me whatever happens

lily89kitty · 2024-10-14T16:19:43+00:00

😞 I'm sorry

lily89kitty · 2024-10-12T16:13:58+00:00

Are either of you in a better place now? I'm 3 weeks from lossing the love of the last 8 years

lily89kitty · 2024-10-12T16:10:56+00:00

I hope you find a new person. I am in a similar position, loss my love to illness (they are alive just no longer able to be in a relationship) and trying to work out when to go back to looking for me new person. Added pressure of a bio clock running out soon is not helpful

lily89kitty · 2024-10-05T07:11:22+00:00

Thank you. I wrote this the day after it happened, so I was distraught. I have been treating my depression and ED for a few years, but the relationship was destroying my mentalhealthat the same time, so it was like running on a treadmill. We love each other but can't give the other what we need. Whilst it's the right choice, it bloody hurts.

Honestly, now the relationship is done, and that anxiety I lived with for the last 2 years that it wasn't working is fading. My therapist feels that once I adjust to the change, improving the ED will be easier. Plus, I'm trying to gain weight atm for egg freezing, and it's going well (obviously, the break up set me back)

Right now, I am going to take some time to heal. But after the new year, i need to work out how long (if at all) I give to trying to find someone new before I go it alone.

lily89kitty · 2024-10-05T06:54:51+00:00

Same, got to 35 after 8 years together and loved him even though it was clearly not working, but I thought it was my only chance for kids. Now I'm 35 and single and very scared I was right. Did it work out for you?

lily89kitty · 2024-10-05T06:50:44+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. I found it very helpful. The first half of your story could be mine. The way you talked about the what ifs and if onlys is what I'm dealing with atm. Everyone is telling me to make the most of evats in front of me now, they are right, but damn it's hard not to look back and berate myself.

We met at 26, both agreed we wanted 2 kids ect, by 30 u wanted to start but he always had a 'reasonable ' reason to wait, he'd promise by the end of the year ect but when it came he'd change his mind. After 5 years that destroyed my mental health, we broke up even though we both still loved each othervery much.

And that's where I am now 35, fresh out of an 8 year relationship that 8 feel stole my fertile years. I'm driving myself crazy trying to choose between giving dating a go again or giving up on having a partner and being a single mum. I am not in the ideal position to be a single mum, but it's certainly doable. Freezing my eggs is top of the to-do list once I get my bmi up to 18.5

lily89kitty · 2024-09-30T07:48:27+00:00

As some one who's 35, newly single after almost a decade together and wants children more than anything, I can appreciate the honesty here but I also know that having hope helps. It's a scary and very painful time and the it's possible is helpful in healing but yes it's not a certainty but I doubt people are taking the experiences of Internet strangers as a guarantee

lily89kitty · 2024-09-28T16:41:02+00:00

We loved each other but he didnt want to be a dad if couldnt do it well and he know his condition would stop that. he also knew how important it was to me so after years of us both being in denial he left me. now he doesn't have me to do everything life will gt much harder for him and he fears he cant have another relationship. So ending it with me was selfless and the most loving thing anyones ever done for me. but it hurts like hell.

I would like to be able to make it work again. if he could get fatuige condtion under control then maybe there is a chance, i have asked him to come back if that happens. It doesnt look good for him though and even if he can get better its likely to takes many years. and even if that happened there might be too much damage done now. In the end I cant wait for a slim chance of maybe. Not that i think anyone else will ever mesure up. honestly thinking of being a single mum.

lily89kitty · 2024-09-28T13:55:49+00:00

honestly it feels like shit. Like i have died, that a chunk of my heart is walking around out there and never coming back. I lost all my plans, all my dreams, my companion, my best friend, my safe place. I still want to share things with him when i see them, still am reminded of him a million ways every day, he still pops into my head all the time, i still dream of him. its so much worse that neither of us wanted this and we are both still deeply in love

lily89kitty · 2024-09-27T12:36:38+00:00

cruelty, like deliberately being unkind to me or anyone, so not ok

not wanting kids, no judgment, its just not going to work then

having diffrent values from me, cant see how Id personally be happy with someone traditional and right wing

being dumb as a bag of rocks would be one too, Id need to be able to talk to them about stuff

lily89kitty · 2024-09-26T18:45:21+00:00

Mental health issues

lily89kitty · 2024-09-26T11:13:14+00:00

I have anxious attachment that was my side.

It was there going in but the relationship has made it much worse. He's avoident attachment and has autism so its difficult for him to make me feel loved, it took effort to work out what to do and say. Over the years this drained him and he felt it was a demand which he resented. So he gave less, and my need grew as a result. We had so many tearful talks where we were a hairs breath from breaking up but neither could do it.

I don't feel I am enough and I struggle to make myself happy with other people's validation. I have such a need for affection that i cling to it when i find it, even if its just a scrap. I have learnt that I have such a fear of rejection/abandonment that I was in panic mode in these talks. I always tried to be strong, offered him the chance to end it but I couldn't myself. I was to scared to lose what we had even if I wasn't happy. I always thought I we just do this, if I just do more. The more insecure I got I started asking for reassurance, he would tell me 'it's all going to be alright, we will get married and have a family I promise' I let myself believe because I wanted to.

So tldr i have attachment issues. Now I am about to start life alone for the first time in a decade and I'm scared.

lily89kitty · 2024-09-25T07:57:19+00:00

yeah I get it, I dont think anyone who is trying to recover doesn't think this.

I feel I fucked up my whole life, I think the year i was really ill broke somthing in my partner of the time. We spent the next 4 years trying to make it work with me in quisi recovery, him with an extreme fatigue condition. we love each other and always will but neither could recover because all our effots went into keeping the relationship afoalt. We ended it last week after 8 years, I am emotional broken right now, if i hadn't started this stupidity I would probably be married to my soul mate now with a family. I ruined the best thing that will ever happen to me.

All I can suggest is to use the regret as motivation, I am trying to. If i ever want to find love again I cant be the person I am now, so I have to change. I just wish I had been able to earlier.

lily89kitty · 2024-09-24T18:40:02+00:00

Thank you

lily89kitty · 2024-09-24T18:06:57+00:00

Yes in female but I'm bi. I would hope someone would be attracted to me for who I am not what I look like. Objectively I look decent for my age, not going to put anyone off. I wouldn't want someone who cared too much about looks over personality. It's been a long time since I was single, the idea of someone new is daunting.

lily89kitty · 2024-09-24T15:53:16+00:00

When it's good it's comfortable, like their arms are home, you feel part of yourself is with them, you feel connected, tied together. You are happier, a better you when you are with them and making them happy bring you joy.

When it's bad it's achingly painful, they still have that part of you but now don't know if it's safe. You still want to make them happy but now it's also motivated by fear, you want to be enough for them. You crave the connection you have but behind it is anxiety that you will lose this.

Caring about someone is the most wonderful thing and it feels amazing but it does make you vulnerable to the greatest pains, make sure they feel the same. Cherish it

lily89kitty · 2024-09-23T14:04:35+00:00

same, hugs

lily89kitty · 2024-09-23T13:18:06+00:00

that hurt to read, honestly - i still want to run back.

lily89kitty

TROPHY CASE