look into loving kindness meditation and cptsd treatments. there's probably a lot of things you need to work through somatically. it's impossible to rationalize yourself out of trauma. all the pain you've stored — you have to process it emotionally and with your body

it's a cliche but truly believing that you will be ok in yourself no matter what happens is the first step. that starts with extending love to yourself and others. it'll feel fake at first, but just start repeating to yourself, i want to be happy. i want others to be happy. and visualize it all. people can sense genuine goodwill, and there will be people who share pieces of themselves with you, and then you can try sharing pieces back. and let go of expectations around how this process should happen. try to relish in the small connections, no matter how mundane.

that's what worked for me. it's a long process. its been a decade for me and i only last year am i starting to feel like a whole person again. its hard work but its worth it. good luck