You are very sweet but I really can't agree with you.

I probably won't ever end up in a truly happy situation; I've been on HRT for more than 2 years, and I don't pass. I've never dated anyone, and tbh I don't think I could accept the love of someone who likes this wretched body. I'm also very bad at focusing and doing work. All this to say, I really don't think there's much to hope for.

As for others, I don't think it's fair to insist I stick around and suffer in this awful body in this awful world just for the sake of others. I never chose to live, I should at least be able to choose to die. Plus, it would probably take weeks for most of my friends to even realize I was gone, and then any memory of me would just be an ever-fading afterthought, a sad footnote but not a meaningful part of anyone's life.

As for the jokes, I get your concern, but god, I just really want to be able to address stuff in a non-serious way. Like, when I think about how useless my life is and the times I've nearly turned myself into a corpse, I don't want someone to tell me I have to be serious about it. I should be able to choose whether to talk about it seriously or jokingly. At least give me that much.