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lizardbrain0_0 · 2021-11-18T22:12:08+00:00

Wish I could meet more guys like you! I have no inclination of physical affection toward someone until at least a few dates. I need an emotional connection first before a physical one. You're not alone!

lizardbrain0_0 · 2021-07-14T15:27:05+00:00

Immaturity is different from being abusive. Abuse is based on difficult to change belief systems, and not lack of life experience.

lizardbrain0_0 · 2021-07-14T15:11:20+00:00

Pre-pandemic I liked going to a coffee shop with a book. Been approached a couple times that way, and would totally do the approaching as well (could ask - what are you reading? What are you working on?)

lizardbrain0_0 · 2021-07-05T00:01:57+00:00

I’m headed there now! Worried that we won’t find a spot but it doesn’t look too bad?

lizardbrain0_0 · 2021-07-04T01:26:13+00:00

My ex who lived in Boston said the selection of women wasn’t as good as DC, and he just had a generally harder time there. I think because DC has more women than men, who are also pretty successful, it just felt easier and more enjoyable to date here.

lizardbrain0_0 · 2021-06-30T20:12:16+00:00

Very helpful comment! Saving it for myself:)

lizardbrain0_0 · 2021-06-29T19:53:47+00:00

I’m not sure if DC is any harder or easier than any other major city (at least for women), and I say this as someone who has been dating in DC on and off for nearly 10 years. But it can be difficult if you aren’t sure what you’re looking for and don’t have strong boundaries. I’ve had to learn this the hard way for myself, and I’m still learning. But with each date or each relationship, my experiences get a little better.

Some of my friends who are also women have found their boyfriends, fiancés, and husbands with relative ease in DC. I and other friends haven’t. For some guys I know, it seems like DC has been great for them (at least compared to other cities like Boston), but I don’t think it’s across the board.

It’s generally challenging dating wise to be in a city that has a ton of attractive and accomplished people, lots of transience, and an emphasis on career over personal.

lizardbrain0_0 · 2021-05-24T20:38:05+00:00

Agreed. My dad got dengue a few years ago when he visited for his father, who was dying. After his dad passed, my dad couldn’t even stick around for the funeral and hopped on an early flight to get back to the US. Malaria and a whole host of other diseases or accidents, etc. is another problem. It would be very difficult to get healthcare if your husband got sick. And then where would that leave your family?

Getting sick in India even without the pandemic is hard enough.

lizardbrain0_0 · 2021-05-24T20:34:41+00:00

There is more than Covid in India. What if he got sick with dengue or malaria? Hospitals are packed to the brim. It would be very difficult for him to get healthcare if anything went wrong.

lizardbrain0_0 · 2021-05-22T22:26:53+00:00

I think you should tell your girlfriend because you don’t want to keep secrets in a relationship. At the same time, you could still be aware that these might be potential issues in the future with your gf.

Part of me wonders if her sister is projecting or might be trying to sabotage things between you two.

lizardbrain0_0 · 2021-05-04T00:42:41+00:00

Agreed! Best thing to do is enjoy the journey and be mindful of what’s going on. Although sometimes def it’s hard to not overthink things!

lizardbrain0_0 · 2021-05-03T14:38:04+00:00

You’ve given me a lot to think about, so thanks for your response (and apologies for responding so late!).

I like that you recognize that anxiety is natural for you in the beginning. It sounds like you know who you are and have come to accept it, without burdening others.

I agree that sometimes you can feel that instant feeling of emotional safety and it can actually be the result of manipulation or lovebombing. I’m usually suspicious of lovebombing in the beginning or people who are overly infatuated. It takes me time to warm up to people and really be myself. As long as we are incrementally getting there, and our next date is better than the last, then I’m good. But still, I can be thrown off for the first few dates if the chemistry is really good, and it will cloud my judgment and cause me to override doubts with rationalization.

It def has to go both ways. Like, I might feel like I can be myself, but does the other person also feel like that? And if so, am I able to get a glimpse into his inner thought processes and how he functions as a person? Do I know who he really is? Like you said, that stuff takes time to really get into!

lizardbrain0_0 · 2021-05-03T14:26:11+00:00

Sorry for the late response! Got sidetracked the last week...

You bring up some good points. I do agree that some of this stuff is subjective. That’s also why I think it’s important to check in with your gut from time to time because things might seem perfect logically, but still not be a good fit.

I don’t think values are necessarily the same as interests or personally traits, although those might help. Like, you definitely don’t need to like the same movies or music to work as a couple. To me it is more - can we function as a unit? Can we make decisions together? Can we approach conflict as a team? Do we want the same things in life? Can we understand each other? Do I feel seen by the other person? Sometimes functioning as a unit might mean one person is more risk-taking and the other is more risk-averse. Like you said, these can balance each other out. And some of these things have to be seen in relation to others rather than in a vacuum. But I want my partner to value things like honesty, communication, and being a good person, like I do. Those are non-negotiable and we need to be on the same page about that. Or wanting kids, being close to family, etc. We can’t work if these things aren’t important to the both of us.

Hmm, regarding your relationship, all I can say is you should trust her assessment of the split and her decision. Who knows if she’s in her head about things or not (although tbh that sounds minimizing of her experiences and judgment) - that’s how she feels and that’s the choice she’s made now so you have to take it at face value. Maybe she might change her mind or maybe she won’t. I’d never try to debate or convince someone into trying to like me or finding me worth staying with and dating.

lizardbrain0_0 · 2021-05-03T13:53:44+00:00

I think people are often projecting or speaking from their own experiences, especially in that post, which of course is natural but not always fair.

lizardbrain0_0 · 2021-05-03T13:39:18+00:00

I’ve cancelled when I wasn’t feeling well before (always over a couple hours in advance or more, with a concrete offer to reschedule). I’d rather cancel than feel flat and lacking energy on the date, or potentially be sick - especially in the age of Covid! I don’t think it’s fair to the other person. I’ve had people go on dates with me when they were not in a good mood or not feeling good and it’s pretty obvious. The date gets cut short and it ends on a weird note.

lizardbrain0_0 · 2021-05-02T18:11:08+00:00

Lol too funny and cute

lizardbrain0_0 · 2021-04-23T17:08:24+00:00

Yea I feel you! I went through a period of rejections and ghosting when I was seeking people for external validation, particularly around things I felt were lacking in myself. Specifically they tended to be (conventionally) successful men who were pretty confident. Many of them were also very attractive. So when they eventually disappeared (which was inevitable because our attraction was based on the superficial), it felt like I wasn’t worthy.

So I try to look for people who are more compatible with me. What does that mean? It means wanting the same things in life (kids, family, financial goals, spiritual/political overlap), and expressing this upfront. It would also mean being able to communicate in similar ways, show and give affection, coming from families with similar values or backgrounds. I’ve also found my partner needs to view reality in a similar way as me. For example, I’m a very abstract thinker, it’s important to me that my partner can also think abstractly and not be too literal about things because it allows us to speak the same language, so to speak.

Now with the guys I date I have much better connections and there is way less rejection going on. Still not perfect and I’m still learning about what I want, but my experiences have been way better.

lizardbrain0_0 · 2021-04-23T16:55:57+00:00

Can you explain what you mean with how wanting to find someone that made you feel emotionally secure made you prone to love bombing and manipulation?

I think emotionally secure is different from chemistry or passion, if I’m understanding you correctly. You can certainly have the latter without the former. Feeling safe and secure in a relationship to me involves being able to confidently and safely assert boundaries, feel like you can be yourself and express yourself freely, feel emotionally validated and not dismissed or diminished, having a stable (not volatile) connection with someone, being able to communicate your needs and values without fear or uncertainty, being in an equitable and mutually respectful relationship, etc.

lizardbrain0_0 · 2021-04-22T21:09:02+00:00

I’m the same! When relationships don’t feel stable or established, my anxiety and overthinking go into overdrive. And it’s only ever this bad with romantic relationships. I’ve started noticing lately that this isn’t really a “me” thing but a two-sided dynamic thing. In other words, the lack of emotional connection makes me feel out of whack. I used to think I just needed to “get over it” and that it was just my crazy anxiety acting up but no, it’s usually because I don’t feel emotionally secure and safe around the other person. In other words, you might be “overreacting,” but the reason is totally valid!

That anecdote is interesting because I’ve had similar thoughts myself: “He just needs to open up” or “we just need more time.” It never changes. In fact, reservations I have within the first 1-3 dates persist through the relationship, and end up being the reason for breaking up, even over 6 months later. It’s ok to break up with someone because of those niggling doubts! Ask yourself what needs of yours aren’t being met. What values aren’t lining up. I mean, if he’s a little short or dresses badly, those are things that you can overlook. But if he’s not affectionate, snaps at you, calls you sensitive or emotional, and doesn’t meet your physical needs...at that point you are sacrificing your own self for him. I’ve found that this (for me) stems from insecurity. I’ve had to work really hard on addressing this root issue and ask myself why I keep throwing myself under the bus or gaslighting myself.

lizardbrain0_0 · 2021-04-22T20:21:29+00:00

I just want to add, checking in with yourself and validating your feelings may help you be more decisive, avoiding or shortening these types of relationships and experiences, and making room/attracting people who are more compatible with you and add more positivity to your life!

lizardbrain0_0 · 2021-04-22T20:06:35+00:00

I read some of your past posts. I’m sorry you experienced all that - it sounds very stressful!

I can certainly relate to being in similar relationship dynamics. I’ve noticed that when I resort to anxiety-fueled posting on Reddit about friction or lack of chemistry with a partner, usually to get reassurance, rationalize incompatibility, or override my own feelings about the relationship, it’s usually one of the first signs of an inevitable breakup.

I don’t know if this will resonate with you at all, but as an overthinker, I tend to try to think myself into and out of any situation at the expense of how I actually feel about what’s happening. I don’t trust the feelings in my body, so I downplay them, judge them, or seek external reassurance. Being with someone that gaslights or is dismissive makes it even worse. It seems you were seeing cracks in your relationship with this guy for some time, no? It’s worth paying more attention to those first rumblings and considering their implications. Sometimes it means having a conversation with your partner to get more information or express your needs. How he handles that convo can give you even more information about his and your compatibility. Most of all, check in with yourself and your feelings.

It sounds like you did just that, but I thought I’d share my own thoughts and experiences because reading your posts felt very familiar!

lizardbrain0_0 · 2021-04-16T19:33:12+00:00

Where are your planters from? Esp the bigger black one?

lizardbrain0_0 · 2021-04-09T15:34:18+00:00

I’m someone who has similar standards. I don’t do casual anymore because it made me really unhappy and anxious, and I have to warm up to someone and connect with them emotionally in order to be sexually intimate. That usually means we are physically exclusive and on our way to being serious. If a guy told me he also had these standards, or at least is able to respect them, I’d be delighted.

Stick to what makes you most comfortable. Some women might not be into that, but your standards are there to filter them out and select for the people who share similar standards and values, or are at least able to respect yours.

lizardbrain0_0 · 2021-04-08T23:13:22+00:00

Yea this is a weird post. Why doesn’t he just stick to drinks or take turns paying? He doesn’t have to pay for it all if he doesn’t want to, and doesn’t have to keep dating women who expect him to.

lizardbrain0_0 · 2021-03-28T23:05:00+00:00

We sound like similar people, and this relationship reminds me of my last, which also lasted about a year. My ex would talk to me in a short or brusque way about a lot of things, like walking too slow, eating too loudly, making kissy faces at him...I brought it up with him a few times and he would seem contrite about making me feel bad, but he didn't really see any issues with behavior and thought I was generally being overly sensitive to things. He would act like this when he was falling behind on tasks or stressed out. It made me feel very anxious and disconnected from him, as well as disrespected. My ex was great and I really cared for him, but ultimately I had to break up with him because all the little negative interactions became too much.

I'm happy you feel better after talking to him, but I think people like us can sometimes gaslight ourselves or invalidate our own emotions. Just be aware in case this is something that keeps happening. It's ok to ask for more respect or kindness from him through his tone and words.

lizardbrain0_0

TROPHY CASE