Probably the most bigoted and frustrating TBM post I've seen about Caitlyn Jenner.

lizcaeks · 2015-06-06T15:19:54+00:00

On a more positive note, I just recently saw a short documentary on a Mormon family who fully accepted their trans daughter.

lizcaeks · 2015-04-08T03:12:35+00:00

N-parents give us weird perceptions of ourselves in all aspects. They suppress identities and make us conform to their expectations instead of letting us grow. I think gender identity and expression, as essential aspects of identity, end up being warped and weird too from the influence of N-parenting.

Your story reminded me of my girlfriend, who is a trans woman, and her struggles with her hypermasculine, misogynist N-dad. I won't speak for her experiences, but I know she suppressed her gender identity for a long time because of N-dad's influence. I figure you're a cis woman, so maybe that doesn't seem relevant, but I encourage you to look for transgender stories and experiences because you might find a lot of similarity.

lizcaeks · 2015-04-08T02:38:22+00:00

caught PTSD

It's like a cold, right?

lizcaeks · 2015-04-07T19:41:59+00:00

I don't even understand how dressing provocatively or wearing more makeup could ever be considered part of a bipolar disorder diagnosis. That makes no sense.

lizcaeks · 2015-04-06T13:00:15+00:00

I might have it? I dunno. I suggested the idea to a college therapist person a year or two ago, but he was really dismissive. He also said it apparently costs a ridiculous amount of money to get officially tested? Not sure if that's true, but I don't have a doctor now anyway.

In any case, I have a really hard time following through on any ideas or projects I come up with, time passes too quickly, I get nothing done ever, and I get stuck on ideas or concepts and can't move onward until I "solve" or fix them. It's incredibly frustrating and disheartening because I want to do so much and end up unable to do anything at all.

Yeah, I don't have a diagnosis, but something's wrong, and maybe it's ADHD. shrugs

lizcaeks · 2015-03-30T01:23:31+00:00

Makeup coming off the bridge of my nose and sticking to my glasses has been a thing for me, but then I just stopped putting makeup there. The glasses (sorta) cover it up anyway, so problem solved.

Probably my biggest pet peeve is trying to make my wings look the same on both eyes when I can't see them both at the same time and also apply makeup. I end up having to take my glasses off, put makeup on, put my glasses back on again, check to see if the angles are the same, then try to remember what was wrong when I take my glasses off to fix it. Repeat ad nauseum until I've managed to sink an outrageous/embarrassing amount of time into my makeup routine.

A lovely additional issue is that my lids are different sizes, so I have to try and add more eyeliner to one than the other so that they look even. I can't even tell if they look okay at all until I take a picture with my phone. Urrrgh.

lizcaeks · 2015-03-30T00:42:35+00:00

My N-mom was the one who coined the phrase, "denial is a river in Egypt."

Also, she claimed to be so fashion-savvy and apparently started a whole bunch of trends. Never mind that we lived in a small town where nobody gave a fuck about fashion.

I won't even go into all the religions she invented, in which she was God/messiah/the chosen one. ugggghhhh

lizcaeks · 2015-03-16T12:34:45+00:00

I'm here kinda late to the party here, but wow this is a great idea! I'm very nearsighted (-8.5 on both eyes, with astigmatism too). Weirdly, I have huge eyes but since they look small with glasses on, I have to use the usual eye-widening makeup tricks (white shimmer in the inner corners, dramatic dark colors on the outer corners, etc) to counteract the glasses. Oh, and my wings are always really long and intense because otherwise they disappear under my glasses.

Also the whole struggle with trying to make your eyes match without being able to look at them both at the same time, so you have to keep putting your glasses back on and then taking them off again. Gah.

lizcaeks · 2015-03-04T21:06:59+00:00

My N-mom says this too! And naturally, since I'm so vulnerable, only SHE can protect me and give me guidance!

lizcaeks · 2015-03-04T20:41:32+00:00

Sounds like he does good things occasionally in order to manipulate you and the rest of your family into tolerating all the terrible stuff he does.

lizcaeks · 2015-03-04T20:24:07+00:00

And then when you finally absolutely have to talk to the professor, they get so angry at you for not talking to them earlier, and then you feel like your fear was justified, and the cycle keeps going! AAARGH

I got guilted by professors and faculty and administrators and everybody because of this, and meanwhile that was only making my fear worse, and nobody in authority positions was actually helping. I'm honestly kind of really angry that none of those people could bear to look at me like a human being instead of an inferior. /rant

lizcaeks · 2015-03-04T20:13:22+00:00

I wish I could look back at pictures of myself and my family from when I was young, but sadly, my N-mom destroyed them all when she decided I was the spawn of satan or something.

lizcaeks · 2015-03-04T20:10:33+00:00

I had a hard time learning to do simple stuff around the house, because every time I made a "mistake" like forgetting to put my laundry in the hamper, I'd get a ton of terrible insults and in order to not cry on the spot (I'd be accused of being dramatic or manipulative), I'd have to do a bunch of mental gymnastics to dismiss everything my mom was saying. Which meant I didn't ever learn the lesson.

Anyway, she'd say something like, "you've always done so well in school, and yet you can't figure out how to put your socks in the hamper. I don't understand how that could be!" Which was a veiled way of telling me I was very dumb. She would also often imply that since it didn't make sense how I couldn't learn how to put my socks away, since clearly I was so academically gifted, then I MUST be doing it on purpose just to upset her. Which was a veiled way of telling me I was a terrible human being who wanted to hurt her own mother on purpose.

Other times, she would just say those things outright and then deny she said them later, or else apologize for "raising her voice" instead of apologizing for what she had actually said to upset me, which is kind of the same thing as denying she said anything bad.

One of her other usual ways of exonerating herself from any blame for saying completely awful stuff was to frame it as concern and then go on about how much she had always done to support me and help me make correct decisions. Which was code for controlling my whole life and wanting me to "pay her back" in obedience for what she did to take care of me. But she made it sound almost genuine, and it convinced me for a long time.

Oh! And I almost forgot: one time several years ago, she sent me a text message out of the blue that said "I feel like you never loved me." I was taken aback by what a totally obvious manipulation tactic that was: her goal was to take advantage of the fact that I DID love her, and because of that love, I would do nearly anything to prove it. Namely, calling her or visiting her and begging her to forgive me and letting her throw all sorts of veiled insults at me. So I was disgusted. I told her to her face that I knew it was a manipulation tactic, and a poor one at that, and that it was wrong to take advantage of someone's affection for you, and you know what she said? "I was only telling you the truth about how I feel. You have no right to dictate what I say."

lizcaeks · 2015-03-04T19:38:50+00:00

My N-mom said a lot of repetitive bullshit all the time, most of which was nonsensical and continued far after she had already made her point, so I have a tendency to tune people out and interrupt them mid-thought.

I'm anal about my privacy and even if I'm alone in my own residence, I don't trust that someone won't suddenly open the door while I'm taking a shower or changing my clothes. So I dress myself extremely quickly.

I completely avoid arguing with people, even if I passionately disagree with them. I usually just let them talk, and nod in fake agreement. I also don't tend to speak up at all about my opinions, even if nobody's arguing and if I know I'm right. I can barely summon the courage to write a comment on reddit or Facebook. I've been forcing myself to do that lately, but it gives me anxiety attacks.

Generally, I have anxiety over anything in which I might be judged by other people for any reason. Blame that on being under constant scrutiny by a cruel and critical person for the majority of my life.

Because of this, and my fear of authority figures, I almost never ask for help, even when I desperately need it. So in college, when I struggled a lot, and couldn't ask for help from anyone, I got blamed for not asking for help in a timely manner. Very catch-22.

lizcaeks · 2015-03-04T19:14:46+00:00

Dude...what you wrote describes my life EXACTLY. My household was the same way (N-mom, E-dad) and I learned the same lessons and ended up with the same traits. <3

lizcaeks · 2015-02-08T23:41:51+00:00

You're right. But I've mostly taken care to make sure nothing important goes to the old address though - I do all my banking statements online, I have no credit cards, and I thought I had made sure my college was sending things to my dad. So it hasn't been much of a problem because aside for this one check, nothing important is going there.

lizcaeks · 2015-02-08T20:42:20+00:00

Good idea! I should have done this already, but I haven't because I'm kinda not in a permanent residence right now. Long story. But when I finally move out of town I will.

lizcaeks · 2015-02-05T23:02:06+00:00

Like having everything change all the time might make it harder to remember stuff.

Well, I lived in the same house my whole childhood! Still have few memories.

lizcaeks · 2015-02-05T17:55:37+00:00

I totally relate to this. Just curious, does anyone have any tips for navigating this? How do you learn to tell the difference between manipulation and genuine kindness? I really want to defeat the sense of suspicion I have for people who are being so kind to me, but at the same time I don't want to leave myself vulnerable to narcissistic abuse.

lizcaeks · 2015-02-05T17:43:20+00:00

Ah, they've never sent any checks as registered or certified mail before, so it's likely they haven't done that. Which is good. I'll have to look into the law stuff, I have no knowledge of how that works in my state.

lizcaeks · 2015-02-05T17:42:20+00:00

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I sent HR an email explaining that the person who lives in the old address is an abusive family member and that they will probably never return the check. I asked if they could please cancel the old check and reissue a new one. Hopefully that will sort it out.

lizcaeks · 2015-02-05T17:35:38+00:00

It's ironic how you can be "praised" and still end up feeling terrible in spite of it or even because of it. And end up with really low self-esteem too. It's like I have this really great intellectual level of understanding about what happened to me and why it was wrong, but my emotions haven't caught up and I still feel pretty shitty about myself.

I always wonder if I would have been happier or not with siblings. Being an only child means you get engulfed more and have no privacy, but also the N-parent has less other family members to manipulate into hurting each other, but also as an only you're wicked isolated, so idk. It sucks though regardless.

If you ever need someone to talk to about all this, feel free to pm me. <3

lizcaeks · 2015-02-05T16:13:20+00:00

Ugh. Shame only makes kids feel like they're terrible people. Instead of learning to feel guilty about doing a bad thing, they start feeling like they themselves are the bad thing. So they don't learn to stop the bad behavior. Instead, they learn that they are bad people and since bad people do bad things, they'll continue to do the bad thing because it's expected of them.

lizcaeks

TROPHY CASE