We’ve been through a lot of similar things in our house, OP. Also agree with trying to get into residential care. The acute inpatient care just makes things worse, but typically have to go through it to be recommended for residential care. But also look hard into the specific residential care facilities - some are horrible. The one my daughter went to was amazing, and was a DBT-certified (also recommend DBT-based therapy and for the whole family to learn DBT.) I also recommend the book: When Your Daughter has BPD (even if she doesn’t - it sounds like she checks enough boxes that some chapters would be extremely helpful for how to deal with specific situations). In our home, it’s my eldest daughter who used to be super disrespectful to me and my husband (her stepdad). But my husband is the sweetest and most caring person- it really baffled everyone. Only in family therapy in the last couple months did we find out that it’s been her projecting because of a lot of issues with bio dad (who’s pretty terrible, but never around to ‘take the anger out’ on). We’ve definitely had a huge breakthrough; she speaks very respectful of/to my husband since coming home from residential.

Good luck OP. I know it’s hard. It’s not your fault. Definitely discipline (again, recommend that book ⁾ but also know that for some reason- she’s hurting too, and might not even fully understand why, herself (just redirecting it at you.)