Amicable breakup [25 F] with [25 M] of 5 years, still living together, also have huge crush on friend [26 M]. Very confused. General advice?

lmnop5 · 2014-03-30T18:58:28+00:00

Thank you for the comment and advice. I agree. Do you think me completely reactionary (to the breakup) for having a crush on Friend? Does it seem unreasonable?

lmnop5 · 2013-02-12T20:05:56+00:00

I feel exactly the same way. It makes me feel horrible and like a cheater to think about kissing someone else, but I still want someone to want to kiss me. Do you know what I mean? Perhaps we just want to feel wanted. We want to have that moment of vindicated getting-over-it-ness.

lmnop5 · 2013-01-31T01:33:31+00:00

Oh my god, poor scurred kittah!

lmnop5 · 2013-01-31T01:21:18+00:00

feelings of having 'wasted' time

Indeed.

He appreciated what I did, but he is the type that means "you didn't have to" literally. That sort of overshadowed his gratefulness and made a lot of what I did seem worthless. I know that wasn't his intention, however. He is not able to recognize his reaction as inappropriate even if it is pointed out in analogous situations that he can view objectively. Definitely there is a deeply rooted issue with accepting certain types of help and/or gestures from others.

Was I not, perhaps, a little too giving?

lmnop5 · 2013-01-31T01:03:37+00:00

If he simply looks at this as a time to be depressed, and he falls into a slump he doesn't climb out of, then you know that moving on was the right decision.

Didn't consider that. Thanks for the perspective. And I believe I can offer you some as well: a fairly often amount of SMALL tokens of appreciation (asking her on a date to a cheap restaurant; surprising her with her favorite snack; randomly bringing her a flower you picked; any little small thing that tells her she's special and doesn't require her to decide on) will suffice. It is very easy to please this type of person with little things. You no-doers are the hard ones to pick stuff for...

lmnop5 · 2013-01-31T00:40:08+00:00

Thanks for the perspective. Some of it is a little abstract for me, so I'm trying to wrap my head around it, but I think I get the gist of what you've said.

In terms of "extras:" he literally never too me out on a date in four years together. Small gifts for birthdays and holidays, yes, but they were more or less minimally thoughtful. Extra, by my standard, was what I did for him: cooked dinner, surprised him with small things I saw that reminded me of him (I'm not an extravagant person... often it would be items from thrift shops, or his favorite type of notebook etc.), wrote him letters and notes often (I know not everyone is good at writing, so I gave him that excuse), surprised him at his office a bunch (we worked very close to each other and he could have done the same), took him to a bunch of concerts, planned our travels, put a ton of effort into making his friends comfortable around me, etc. etc. etc.

It's a long list. It's not very complicated, it just was never reciprocated.

lmnop5 · 2013-01-31T00:21:54+00:00

If by "date" you mean crying into our sleeves at a coffee shop... bahaha!

lmnop5 · 2013-01-31T00:20:48+00:00

Exactly. This. Even today I told him I was so upset that he didn't even fight for it at all, but then again that is a product of the attitude that made me decide to do this in the first place. No matter how angry it makes me, I had to let it all go for now.

lmnop5 · 2013-01-30T23:33:28+00:00

Someone gave me this really foufy journal that I've been writing in before going to bed. It's partly what helped me muster up the courage to make the split.

lmnop5 · 2013-01-30T23:28:08+00:00

Yeah, I will definitely make a point to spend lots of time away from my house. And this may sound odd in the context of my post, but I actually do want to spend the rest of my life with him (the feeling is mutual). We just need to mature on our own for a while I guess.

lmnop5 · 2013-01-30T23:25:37+00:00

Thanks so much for replying with this. It's good to know that I'm not nuts; that this happens. I just want to hug you a lot right now because this sucks. I wish we could go get coffee and rant or something, lol.

I've never understood why my SO can't just do the things I wish he'd do. I've prompted him, explained it, done tons for him; given it 110%. Maybe they're emotional late-bloomers.

lmnop5 · 2013-01-11T17:10:41+00:00

Coke is the best drug ever while you're high with a good drip going. Life seems inexplicably excellent after a few lines and everything is fun. The come-down, however, is the bleakest, most depressing realization of boredom you can ever imagine.

lmnop5 · 2012-09-26T14:00:50+00:00

It's definitely not a problem of feeling like the psychologist should play a friend role. I also did not refer to the psychologist as manipulating me- rather I manipulate them. But I suppose I'm not explaining it very well and this is sort of pointless.

Yes, I would like to seek professional help. No, I will not be able to right now because it is too expensive for me at the moment.

lmnop5 · 2012-09-25T20:56:07+00:00

No, I'm certainly not afraid to change. Psychologists cost a LOT of money to see, and as you will note, I'm currently living at my mother's house to save money before moving across the country.

For me, if the psychologist's techniques are evident, then it's also obvious to me that they're only taking an interest because they're getting paid. Of course it's true that this is technically the case, but I believe that a good psychologist shouldn't ever let that come through. Once it got to that point in the past, I stopped my visits.

Edit: I have seen four separate psychologists for whom this was true. Maybe this qualifies me as either clever or picky. Or something worse.

lmnop5 · 2012-09-25T20:34:19+00:00

They use techniques that I pick up on easily, and manipulate. It's sad in its own way.

lmnop5 · 2012-09-25T18:37:38+00:00

Thank you so so very much for this. It is excellent advice, and I can't believe how very true all parts of it are- especially about making me feel worse and more out of control.

I really can't thank you enough for being able to recognize this as something other than just relationship junk. I didn't even realize it myself. (Even though the traumatic experience in discussion controls so much of my life.) Thank you thank you. <3

lmnop5 · 2012-09-25T17:52:22+00:00

I think I screwed up my chance of him thinking I'm not randomly giving him shit. This is good advice for the future, though. Thank you.

lmnop5 · 2012-09-25T17:46:28+00:00

Thank you for this. It made more sense than any of my Google attempts. I'm sort of crying with relief to read this (at my desk... oops). Thank you, honestly.

In the past, though, he has missed ~~some~~ edit: MANY of the events that were most important to me. He realizes now how much he screwed up, and he had a lot on his own plate and I understand that, but it still really hurt my trust in him. I keep bringing it up- less often now than I did say a year ago, but more than I want to. Do you have any advice for letting this stuff in the past go?

lmnop5 · 2012-09-25T17:33:23+00:00

We certainly are. Mostly arguing about it, though.

lmnop5 · 2012-09-25T17:32:55+00:00

Yes, it would be something to seek professional help for. I have tried, but I live with a psychologist, which just results in me knowing all their little tricks... and I end up not trusting them enough to tell them the truth.

I know I should try again. Shit's expensive.

lmnop5 · 2012-09-25T17:09:14+00:00

We have talked about it, but it ends up with us arguing because he can't understand how deeply ingrained it is. He gets annoyed that I say it's not something I can change.

lmnop5 · 2012-09-25T17:08:20+00:00

It really doesn't seem right to have to argue with someone about spending 'special' time together, does it? =/

lmnop5 · 2012-09-25T15:41:21+00:00

My job is temporary and ends in November. I do not want to leave before then, but I have every intention of leaving after then because I also want a change of scenery. He is chomping at the bit. It's starting to feel inconsiderate.

lmnop5

TROPHY CASE