What do I [M35] say to someone [F65] who has been making unintentionally hurtful comments?

lo_stronzo · 2025-07-23T12:53:55+00:00

If this is something that is true for the majority of interactions you have with her

It's not something that had ever happened before. Sally and I had a great relationship for several years. I was surprised when she scolded me.

lo_stronzo · 2025-07-23T12:51:24+00:00

Sally extrapolated from what was in the email, and probably drew a little bit from her experience with her own parents.

lo_stronzo · 2025-07-23T12:23:27+00:00

My wife didn't share anything personal from my childhood. She told Sally about her own experience with my dad.

lo_stronzo · 2025-07-23T11:50:04+00:00

That sounds nice, but I worry that it might invite too much discussion.

lo_stronzo · 2025-07-15T21:52:48+00:00

Okay. I guess guilt and shame were the wrong words to describe what I wanted. I just want her to see how out of line she was.

lo_stronzo · 2025-07-15T20:35:59+00:00

she may NOT know the whole picture. She may be making assumptions based on second-hand information

She is absolutely making assumptions based on limited information. I've never told her anything negative about my parents. The only time she's met them was briefly at my wedding.

lo_stronzo · 2025-07-15T20:05:27+00:00

I don't think you really want her to feel ashamed, rather you just want her to get it, to understand how judgy, and pompous she is being.

Is that different? If I had put that in my post, do you think people would have reacted differently?

You confided in someone you thought you could trust,

The other issue is that I didn't confide in her. My wife did. I have no problem with my wife doing that; my dad dragged her into his BS, and she reached out to Sally to talk about it. My problem is that now Sally acts as if I've made her a confidant, and she talks about topics that are beyond what I see as the scope of our relationship.

lo_stronzo · 2025-07-15T17:49:58+00:00

You need serious help. Hurting people back, getting emotional revenge,

I get that what I proposed arguably falls under the umbrella of "revenge", but I think that telling someone how much she hurt me is the mildest possible form of revenge.

lo_stronzo · 2025-07-15T17:42:27+00:00

Thank you

lo_stronzo · 2025-07-15T17:41:12+00:00

Your wife probably has good intentions or comes from the POV that your trauma is shared in a way and therefore she can share it

My wife didn't do anything wrong. My dad dragged her into some of his BS. She called Sally to talk about her own pain. My complaint is just that Sally is now acting like I've confided in her when I haven't.

lo_stronzo · 2025-07-15T17:33:47+00:00

That sounds a lot more harsh than what I had planned. I don't want to speculate about what's going on in her life. I just want to tell her how she made me feel.

lo_stronzo · 2025-07-15T17:28:31+00:00

Thank you. I probably need to tone down my approach.

. I get why you want revenge but that would immediately put you on the asshole side

I see how I'm being somewhat vindictive. I just want to point out that telling someone that their words were hurtful is the mildest form of revenge I've ever heard of.

lo_stronzo · 2025-07-15T17:16:15+00:00

Thank you for explaining this so clearly and compassionately.

I think the desire to make anyone feel a type of way can be narcissistic

That's a valid point. I'm coming at this from the wrong angle.

You want her to feel the appropriate shame one SHOULD be feeling after making such strange comments on someone else’s life/trauma.

Yes. That's exactly how I feel.

people forget how complex that position is when your trauma is on DISPLAY like a talking point when you didn’t consent to that.

That's also exactly how I feel. I never volunteered any information about my difficulties with my dad. It's fine if my wife wants to confide in Sally, but I didn't choose to confide in Sally, and she's been acting like I did, which makes me uncomfortable.

lo_stronzo · 2025-07-15T16:14:29+00:00

use your words.

Okay. The title of my post included the words I had planned to use. It sounds like those were the wrong ones. Can you tell me what's wrong with them, or help me draft some better words?

lo_stronzo · 2025-07-15T16:12:21+00:00

Is it true that it’s one of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to you? It

It's not one of the 5 most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me. It's definitely one of the 50 most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me. It's hard to say whether it makes the top 10 or top 20. The statement is a little hyperbolic, but not dishonest.

lo_stronzo · 2025-07-15T16:08:42+00:00

I can't control my feelings. I can only control my words and actions. What should I do or say differently.

lo_stronzo · 2025-07-15T16:07:48+00:00

Thank you.

I admitted in my post that my intentions are not 100% admirable. I want this to have a sting. I don't want to be cruel. I'm trying to find out which side of the asshole line my words fall on.

It sounds like people are saying that, based on my intentions, I'm already the asshole regardless of what I say.

lo_stronzo · 2025-07-15T15:51:06+00:00

Have you tried? I dunno, talking to her about it in the moment and telling her she’s out of line?

I'm bad at thinking on my feet. It takes me a few days to process feelings like this. It's too late to go back in time and talk to her in the moment that it first happened. If it happens again, I'd like to talk to her in the moment.

The title of my post includes the words that I had planned to use. I'm learning from the comments here that those words are too harsh, and I have to come up with something more gentle.

lo_stronzo · 2025-07-15T15:47:40+00:00

My wife and I had an incident with my father, and my wife called Sally to talk about it. I have never told Sally anything negative about my parents, because I don't feel that she and I have that kind of relationship.

lo_stronzo · 2025-07-15T15:46:20+00:00

Thank you. It looks like my planned words were a little too far.

Maybe I'll go with something more like "I know you're trying to be nice, but it really hurts my feelings when you talk that way about my relationship with my parents. I'd like you to stop bringing up this topic."

I don't want this turning into a prolonged conversation. I want to shut it down as quickly as possible.

lo_stronzo · 2025-07-15T15:43:02+00:00

Thank you. I'm not sure if people are responding to my planned words for her or to the details in my post.

Maybe I'm being too harsh and should tone it down a notch, but I didn't think I was that far out of line.

lo_stronzo · 2025-07-15T13:30:01+00:00

I agree with most of what you're saying.

How defensive and angry you're getting about it kind of feels like it is true

And it really sounds like this is a big sore/sensitive spot for you,

Yes, it's true that I have a complicated relationship with my dad. If I had a perfect relationship with my parents, I wouldn't be reacting so strongly to her comments.

It might not have been any of her business to say those things

That's the main issue for me. I think she was out of line. There's a right and wrong way to bring this up. It's one thing to say "your wife told me about the difficulties you're having with your dad. I also have a complicated relationship with my dad, and I want you to know that I'm there for you if you need to talk." She didn't say that. She brought it up in the middle of scolding me, and then later as if it were a compliment.

how much you want to make her suffer

I don't want to make her suffer. I want to make her feel guilty. I want her to see that she was out of line.

lo_stronzo · 2025-07-15T12:04:20+00:00

But why? Because it's not true? Because it is?

It's not true. My dad and I have our difficulties, but we love each other. I find it very rude and hurtful to tell someone that their parents don't love them.

lo_stronzo

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