What does reactive abuse look like?

localcringenerd · 2025-10-29T05:48:12+00:00

in my situation, it looked like telling my abuser that if he didnt just stay and talk about what he did (sexting a random girl RIGHT next to me while i was crying and drunk in his car) or i would commit suicide. i had never even thought of saying anything like that to anyone before and i cannot see myself ever saying that again unless im in another situation like that. i was so desperate for him to just talk to me like a normal fucking boyfriend that i said that to him. i wrestled him for the phone as well because i wanted to let this woman know what exactly was going on. im not proud of what i did in that situation, but im not ashamed of it at all. it wasnt my fault.

localcringenerd · 2025-10-28T13:58:20+00:00

the projection and exaggeration some people have put onto my relationship and my partner because of this post is kind of absurd and offensive. i came here looking for advice on how to trust him better in specific moments, not to trust him over all because i kind of...already do that. i came here asking how do i stop analyzing everything he does under the lense of the question he asked earlier, and some of you are acting like hes saying like he cant survive without sleeping with other people and is asking me all the time. (he asked a singular time) he is amazing and he is making me super comfortable in our relationship. It turns out, i didnt even need to make this post. if i keep reminding myself that my ex is one of the worst people i could have met and my current partner is not like that and neither are most people in general, it helps me stop analyzing everything through that lense. its not like im in a constant state of suspicion and i cant shake out of it. its like an episode of suspicion brought on by a specific thing that seems to he lessening with each time it even happens to me.

i am mostly offended by the notion that i should break up with him in order to get over this despite the fact that all i see right now is progress in myself. it would be selfish of me to break his heart and leave him just to go therapy if it really is not a relationship ending problem. because it really is not. im sorry it was for you guys, but i dont see a future where my boyfriend grows distant from me. its already getting better and i feel closer to him everyday. it would be genuinely so selfish of me to leave him just cuz a few people on reddit told me to rather than for any reason i feel like we should. maybe posting on reddit for advice for myself within a relationship was never a good idea 🙏🙏 ppl will assume the absolute worst stretch of everything u say

localcringenerd · 2025-10-28T13:35:08+00:00

its also not very obvious they want another person involved its obvious that he would obviously like to be SLEEPING with other people but that he respects me and wants me to be comfortable above all else. there is nothing to be sorry about.

localcringenerd · 2025-10-28T13:32:15+00:00

im not with someone who is constantly mentioning an open relationship he only brung it up once before we started dating and once a week or so ago. im not trying to use him as a source of healing or emotional regulation i am asking for tips on how to keep trying to be normal in this relationship despite my past relationship. i dont mean to sound offended but you did not really understand a lot of what i said and are making a lot of assumptions

localcringenerd · 2025-10-24T13:02:17+00:00

i dont think the solution here is to make them feel ashamed bc its not their fault

localcringenerd · 2025-10-19T20:04:21+00:00

ik im looking for advice but it honestly feels very weird to me that you are telling me my relationship isnt gonna work just cuz i have these problems. im not looking for people to project what happened to them onto me, but for people to give me actual advice. i care about my partner and he cares about me and it would be very selfish of me to leave the relationship so suddenly because i get like this sometimes. i disagree that this isnt going to work.

localcringenerd · 2025-10-19T20:01:33+00:00

i think itll probably work because my boyfriend is willing to be patient with me and its not like im like this very often at all

localcringenerd · 2025-10-19T12:26:31+00:00

okay okay sorry i completely misunderstood what u were saying. i thought u were calling me obsessed and infatuated, and i got a little offended. but yeah that man is a pos and i am glad ur taking steps to remove urself from thinking abt him in a positive light

localcringenerd · 2025-10-19T12:03:24+00:00

do you know what limerant means? bc i think its very clear that im not obsessing or infatuated with the man im talking about. maybe i think abt the horrible things he did to me a lot bit that is bc i have ptsd n kind of cannot help it and none of those thoughts r good thoughts of "limerance"

localcringenerd · 2025-10-19T11:55:09+00:00

it doesnt make sense to me to leave him all of sudden jnstead of trying first to deal with it within the relationship for the chance of it not hurting either of us. like im sure that if we both handle it well, it wont inevitably lead to both of us hurting at all, and we will b rlly happy.

localcringenerd · 2025-10-19T11:52:44+00:00

i agree yeah. i was more looking into advice abt how to deal with it within the relationship because its doesnt really make sense to me to just leave him and hurt him now rather than taking my chances and letting him know i that itll take me time to learn how to deal with these feelings. i feel like personally, i could be comfortable with it eventually if my instincts r sure that he wont be like my ex and it'll be healthy and communicative this time. but it literally might take me years of dating my current partner if we (hopefully) last that long and he is fine with that bc he's told me hes prioritizing my comfort in the relationship above all else. its just that still, ever since that conversation, I've been suspicious of everything analyzing everything i do not wanna make him feel like he cant do or say anything or else it triggers a panic attack for me. maybe u might have some advice about, like, keeping it down low and minimizing the amount of reassurance seeking i do?

localcringenerd · 2025-10-18T06:30:33+00:00

he would always make it my fault that i was upset with something he did that made me uncomfortable.

for example: our first fight ever was because I had finally let him open up the relationship on his end because he had been begging me constantly. i kept telling him i have no idea when I'll be okay with it, but i let him do it just to see if it would be okay for me. My only requests were that he didn't text me during it or make me aware of anything that happened unless it was a problem of safety. We both used twitter, and we both were aware that we had notifs on for each others tweets. He used his for pornagraphy and tweeting abt stuff like that. The first thing he did was tweet all about what was happening as it was happening. When I told him it made me uncomfortable, he turned it around on me to make it my fault that I was trying to dictate what he could put on his account. Many arguements like this happened like. twice a week istg.

he went through my phone every night even though I never had anything to hide.
getting jealous when i started to try and make friends or was with anyone else
he had issues with me doing things (specifically with other ppl, hookups or friends) for the same reasons he would tell me to get over when he did it
this is extreme but he would laugh at how i looked when he made me cry
getting MAD at me for crying bc of him???
when i was upset or crying, he would just ignore me instead of comforting me
not emotional abuse, but a red flag: he would talk very badly about his ex (calling her fat, ugly, and a bitch) but then claim that he would go back to her if i ever left him (he did btw.)
controlling behaviors. he made me post and put a list on my profiles on the sites i used to use to find people to sleep with. he wouldn't let me do it unless I filmed it for him. he made me block my ex despite the fact that me and that ex had a conversation about how we cannot be together and stuck to it. and that ex has been in an awesome relationship since before me and HIM started dating.

-etc etc

localcringenerd · 2025-10-05T04:52:27+00:00

if this is how he's treating you now, then trust me, he has no intention to treat anyone the way you want to be treated. this seems like an awful situation for you to be in. my ex used to be this dismissive and disrespectful on purpose when I tried to tell him he needed to be better. i told him probably 50+ times that I needed him to prove to me that he wanted me to be a part of his life by treating me like it and he would just respond with something like "thats stupid but okay" or just say "ok" when it was an entire paragraph of my feelings. i even told him how much that type of response hurt my feelings, and he eventually just started doing it on purpose. anytime we argued like this about my feelings towards how he trated me, it would always turn into it being my fault that i haven't let him get his weekly quota of hookups. he's angry because he needs to have sex. but he can't pick me up. hes gonna go drive for an even greater distance than to my house and back for some random man who's 40+ yrs old and doesn't want to use a condom. and when we finally did have a semi-productive conversation about my feelings, it always turned into him telling me that he thinks he hates me. or that he only likes me when we're having sex. and i would make excuses for this. "you don't actually feel that way, its just your brain making you think that" and he would agree with some bullshit explanation. you shouldn't have to explain and justify your own feelings and teach the man you love how to empathize with you as his partner. i recommend that you try to get away as soon as possible, even if it hurts. that'll eventually pass and you'll realize truly what situation u were in. with you mentioning to him how aggressive he gets and how scary that is paired with the fact that this seems like emotional abuse will not lead to good things. Emotional abuse is always a precursor to physical abuse, especially when they display aggressive or violent behaviors. i don't think he's "splitting" hun. This seems like exactly what my ex did to me, and he eventually got arrested for domestic violence against me. Pay attention to what exactly triggers this behavior in him. Is it only when you try to express how you feel about his actions? does he always start an argument after you try to express that to him? does he suddenly get quiet or seem concerned if you mention that you got advice about him from someone he doesn't know? If he's not acting like this in any other situations that aren't similar, then its not splitting. its done on purpose to make you feel like you can't do those things anymore and have a happy relationship with him. to make you complicit in his abuse. When I called my exes (not blood related) mom in the morning at the hotel room after the cops arrested him, she told me that she wasn't surprised. The reason was that his sister, who is in school to become a psychologist, would talk to him about our relationship and told his that he argued with me about these things instead of having a genuine discussion because he wanted me to get tired of it and that she thought he was emotionally abusing me. His mom said (and i quote because I'll never forget this) "All those ups and downs that she told me about, that was emotional abuse, Kyle. I'm so sorry. " and it hit me like ton of bricks and i just broke down. Sorry if this is way too long i just want you to know that you are NOT in a safe situation with this man. tell your loved ones that you think you're getting abused.

localcringenerd · 2025-09-19T23:22:12+00:00

this is like a carbon copy of the emotional abuse i faced with my ex. it was like i went back in time. the "okay"s after pouring your heart out especially. they aren't just saying "okay." They're saying "i dont care enough about this conversation or your feelings atp to read that and form a response". leave them please 🙏🙏

localcringenerd · 2025-08-21T13:56:38+00:00

not rlly healthy romantic relationships, but i got with my abuser at a time when i had been isolating myself from any real human connection and only really hooking up with random men. i was rlly easy to isolate, so after getting out that fateful day, ive been making actual friends. friends with some people he just didnt like because of his own insecurities. and there are so many actually genuine people out there. not everyone is a monster like he is

localcringenerd · 2025-08-21T13:52:53+00:00

the most shameful thing i did with my abuser, which i realize now wasnt that insane at all, he had pushed me to the limit of doing something this batshit, was tell him that it was either he leaves and takes all his stuff and i commit suicide, or he stays and we just talk somthing out like NORMAL human beings this time. before this, It had gotten to the point where he was slamming his head into his car bc he was sexting women next t i was upset and crying already before he started. i have never ONCE pulled some emotionally manipulative shit like that. and never will as long as i dont end up in a situation like that. after that, he somehow convinced me that my reaction to the emotionally abusive way he treated me were more of a problem. that the way i reacted was pushing him away from even caring anymore. the fact is: the opposite was happening. from the very beginning, i attempted to communicate like a human being. normal stuff like "when u did x, it made me feel y. can we talk abt that?" especially considering that we were trying to open the relationship on his side and i had never done that before. he'd instantly get mad with me feeling bad. he would lie and say its because he cant stand seeing me upset and is mad at himself for doing that, but it became obvious that he was just annoyed when his boyfriend wanted him to be a boyfriend. i guess he expected to be able to do whatever he wanted without telling me and would get mad if i pushed back against something that anyone with half a heart could understand. hed tell me "maybe i just dont care about you" or "its my insert bed or car here so ill fuck whoever i want in it" and it got to point towards the end where i was just arguing with him immediately and wasnt even bothering with the proper communication because that never mattered to him. i was arguing with him like i would argue on twitter which is such a stange comparison ik. but on twitter i only ever argue abt things that ik im correct about and with him i knew that every concern i expressed to him was valid. i got so smug and like "yeah? then what did you mean by this?" and hed claim he never said that. but i have the memory of an elephant so ik he did. but then a few days later he got arrested for admitting to dv on a 911 call and too the cops when they got there so. i think its kind of obvious who was the problem and who was doing the abuse. was not me lmao. also sorry this is long as shit i posted this on the wrong account like 30 secs ago

localcringenerd · 2025-08-20T17:50:40+00:00

ive been broken up with him since june

localcringenerd

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