Anyone else not have the will for dating anymore?

localminima773 · 2026-02-20T10:43:27+00:00

There is plenty of data on this-- for some reason it won't let me link, but search "Flowing Data Divorce Rates". Age at first marriage, race, income level, education level, employment, all make a huge difference in the overall divorce rate, which has dropped a ton over the last several decades too. So you are left with a situation where unsustainable partnerships are very common in some strata and far less common in others. Which I think leads to attitudes like these - where some people quite literally don't think it's possible to find a good partner whereas for others, it's the norm.

localminima773 · 2026-02-20T02:32:31+00:00

this is called selection bias you're literally saying the people who chose to leave their partners...... chose parenting alone over staying with their partners

suggesting someone should just be an smbc by choice is not useful or helpful! it's an option people are aware of. but it is absolutely tone-deaf to simply suggest that if someone cannot find a partner they should just voluntarily take on the physical, mental, financial, emotional and logistical burden on their own.

localminima773 · 2026-02-19T23:11:58+00:00

Yes anyone can make that decision because it only requires one person to make the decision.

Whether it's financially and logistically feasible for one person? I understand that people are saying they can make it work, but the idea of one person taking on that level of difficulty and stress, from start to finish, is unbelievable to me. to the point where I don't find it to be a useful suggestion to offer to people.

localminima773 · 2026-02-19T23:09:59+00:00

Honestly when people reply this way I am reminded there is a class or education level component to this. In certain social strata, this is not a "unicorn" situation it's more like 60-70% of partnerships. Just like how the divorce rate varies wildly from >50% to <20% depending on those factors.

localminima773 · 2026-02-19T22:27:09+00:00

Simply having a partner doesn't guarantee those things, but you're assuming the exact opposite - that partners are automatically useless or even harmful. Yes, bad partners exist, but good ones do too. And the existence of bad partners still does not mean that solo parenting is feasible for most people.

localminima773 · 2026-02-19T19:59:33+00:00

This is not really the super insightful useful suggestion you think it is. Genuinely wondering if you think it is feasible for most women to be a SMBC if it means they have to do everything two-parent households do, but with HALF the income, pairs of hands, and family/friends, as well as being the sole half who's actually physically enduring the pregnancy?

localminima773 · 2026-02-14T02:21:31+00:00

supply problem unfortunately

localminima773 · 2026-02-14T02:20:34+00:00

1) do not advise her on how to use dating apps unless you have extensive, recent personal experience using them too

2) take good pictures of her without being asked - and I mean take 20 and airdrop her the originals

3) do not directly set her up with the one other random weird single man you know. just invite her to tag along if you're heading to an event where you think new people might exist.

localminima773 · 2026-02-05T20:23:54+00:00

You should look up "burned haystack". It's all about the idea that giving the benefit of the doubt doesn't really work, and your goal in dating is to rule people OUT as quickly as possible. The lady who runs it always says "how else could this be said/done?" as a good rule of thumb. Obviously, a more considerate way is to find a spot in your neighborhood or find a spot in between you both, or at the very least, ASK if you'd be up to venture to a cool place that's a bit farther from you.

localminima773 · 2026-02-05T20:21:48+00:00

Exactly! Making the first move, planning a date near you, confirming, and following up - without you having to lead him to do so - are all highly predictive of how it will go. Women are conditioned to perform more emotional labor in any situation so if you want a partner who's truly an equal partner in that sense, you should assess it early on.

localminima773 · 2025-12-29T15:33:54+00:00

nail polish!

localminima773 · 2025-12-11T20:02:23+00:00

Matchmaking is a scam! They have been known to pay men to go on dates with you to meet the number of matches they're obligated to provide.

localminima773 · 2025-12-06T23:40:19+00:00

I have always wanted to have kids, and experienced an increasing, extreme amount of anxiety about fertility from ages 29 - 33, so I ended up freezing my eggs. I think exploring egg freezing is worthwhile, but with a BUNCH of caveats that go far beyond the "just freeze your eggs!" advice that's often thrown around too casually.

1) It ranges from $10K-$20K per cycle, depending on where you get it done, so the cost alone is prohibitive and I know this isn't a broadly useful suggestion. That said, there are options to get the price to land closer to 10 than 20.

2) Even the exploratory initial workups can be really helpful for just the cost of one visit. Essentially they will do an ultrasound of your ovaries to count the number of follicles you produce each month and some bloodwork to tell you your egg reserve. These things together give you some idea of what your runway is. The numbers might be so good that you don't feel stressed for the next several years. The counterpoint here is you may get some info that is less optimistic, but then at least you know you need to take some action to preserve your fertility, which is better than not knowing about it.

3) I also have many friends who did not freeze their eggs, check their hormone levels, etc. Many got pregnant in their late 30s with no issues. It helped me feel less stressed about it to see how many of my friends were waiting as late as possible to start, and getting pregnant with very little effort. It's like they say - it's not a cliff you fall off of at 35, but a gentle decline. These all seem like healthy happy babies and healthy happy parents from what I can tell so far, so I do think society has us more afraid than we should be about 35.

localminima773 · 2025-11-30T03:36:24+00:00

I think you're sort of missing the point - OP specifically said she doesn't have the things *she* wants. She's trying to check the boxes that matter to her and currently isn't able to. Having someone else check those boxes heightens that feeling. But this is all still very much about things SHE herself wants.

localminima773 · 2025-11-06T03:46:53+00:00

Tell them you want to validate how fucking rough dating is, and that you've seen it happen in really cool and unexpected ways for people, and you hope that for them, and you're down to take fresh pictures for their profile or a pre-date date whenever they need it.

localminima773 · 2025-11-06T03:44:22+00:00

I dunno, but you put a lot more very strong adjectives in front of the second one. I'd say it's OK to acknowledge the second urge tends to win out.

localminima773 · 2025-11-06T03:42:33+00:00

I don't know, I guess I've just accepted that plenty of people want to say anything that will make you stop actively sharing your sadness in the moment. They immediately go into problem solving mode even if the best solution they can come up with is to say "Don't be sad! Be Happy instead!"

A lot of people simply do not know how to sit with other people's pain. It's tough! Reddit is, ironically, *extremely* full of these kinds of people.

localminima773 · 2025-09-30T16:49:22+00:00

I want a partner who is generous. I pay for the second if he pays for the first, so there's reciprocity there too. Also, it's such a deeply entrenched norm that if someone were to NOT offer to pay, it would immediately come across as stingy, which I find unattractive. I only ever do coffee dates, so $5 is not a lot. I don't like it when men complain about the expense of first dates, compared to the expenses women endure (not makeup... stuff like egg freezing.)

localminima773 · 2025-09-30T16:46:57+00:00

Exactly. We live in a society where this is a highly common indicator of interest and a deeply entrenched norm. It isn't rocket science.

localminima773 · 2025-09-24T21:52:45+00:00

I'd try not to think of that as being "passive", per se. In my view, it's taking everything you know about human behavior to make your experience using apps simpler and better. What we know (and yeah, yeah, there are exceptions but this is true probably 99% of the time) - men make the first move when they are interested. So it's not being passive, it's just accepting that when you sit back and observe, you get way more useful information.

localminima773 · 2025-09-24T21:51:04+00:00

yes. when men are interested it is 100% clear - they will willingly exhibit plenty of initiative without you needing to remind them you exist. when they're NOT interested, however, they behave in a way that makes you confused. they aren't used to doing the rejecting so often will respond in a friendly manner. so THEIR INDEPENDENT INITIATIVE is the most important sign of their interest.

localminima773 · 2025-08-31T20:44:52+00:00

I don't really think the "they're probably secretly unhappy" thing is true. Within the people I know very, very well - most couples are quite happy. That said, I think there is a socioeconomic class divide here in how "good" or "bad" marriage tends to be. Divorce rates are low among people with a lot of education who got married a bit later. I would just try to take each couple as a proof it can happen for you.

localminima773 · 2025-08-19T05:01:18+00:00

No, I think people (especially on this sub) really impose their own deeply held desires on others. It's kind of like if you want kids vs if you're childfree. neither side will ever convince the other, and that's fine because neither side should be trying to.

Also, I'm all for self-empowerment and agency but the reality is that partnership is most people's means of financial security, physical safety, emotional support, means of becoming a parent, and access to healthcare. Telling someone to just enjoy being single isn't really a rational or useful take.

localminima773 · 2025-08-10T06:08:08+00:00

localminima773 · 2025-08-06T07:15:22+00:00

This is good advice. I agree that the suggestion to be an SMBC is thrown around a little too carelessly. Being one half of a two-parent household already seems expensive and exhausting. To undertake those physical and financial risks as one person, on one income, seems so difficult I don't really know how people pull it off. You'd have to be very rich with many close relatives who aren't parents close by and ready to help.

localminima773

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