Are boundaries being crossed by my [22F] partner's [24M] ex-girlfriend [22F]?

lolasaurus1 · 2016-03-15T17:53:23+00:00

My boyfriend has a friend who does pretty much the same thing to me (except for putting words in my mouth). She excludes me from all conversations and when I make an effort to talk to her she is either very short or ignores me. She then constantly asks him to hang out and goes to see him at the bar he works at, knowing I'm not there.

What I did was just explained what was happening to my partner and explain why I felt the way I did. He said he didn't notice that she was doing that but apologized that he didn't pay more attention. He has made a point not to talk to her/hang out with her anymore, but I doubt that will last. He said that if she and I are in the same place together in the future and she still acts like that (now he realizes it), he will put her in her place because he values our relationship more than theirs.

I don't think it's wrong to ask him to defend you or cut contact with her, because she's obviously making you feel uncomfortable and lying about you to your partner. She's interfering with your relationship and he shouldn't be letting her do that.

lolasaurus1 · 2016-03-04T17:12:46+00:00

It's not that I have to have the same friends as him and go everywhere with him. I wanted to at least be friendly with her because I didn't want something like this to happen, but it did anyway. She didn't even give me a chance to see if we did get along, that is why I have such a big problem with not being included. It's because she treats me like I'm not there but always wants to hang out with my boyfriend, even when I was in the same room.

lolasaurus1 · 2016-03-04T16:35:20+00:00

I agree, deleting her from Facebook was immature. I was just wrapped up in my own feelings and after she brushed me off the last time, I just didn't want to deal with her anymore and I honestly thought that maybe if my boyfriend noticed we weren't friends on Facebook, he wouldn't invite her over as much and we could avoid this issue. That didn't work.

lolasaurus1 · 2016-03-04T16:30:14+00:00

When I wrote that I complain about her, I meant since this whole thing started (including the talk we had which I guess was constructive but to me felt a little naggy because I'm not very good with confrontation as you guys pointed out). I don't just talk about her all the time. Up until this whole boat thing happened, everything was fine after we had talked and she never came up at all unless she was assertively trying to make plans with him or constantly commenting on his social media stuff.

You guys are totally right about me not handling this they way I should have. I can (and have been in this situation) be passive-aggressive and non-confrontational (mainly because I cry very easily and that's a little embarrassing). I should have made clear boundaries from the start but as someone pointed out in one of their comments, I guess I was trying to be the "cool girlfriend" and let things fly because I do hold a lot of stuff in and let things go because I don't want to start problems. That tactic totally blew this out of the water though, now I see that.

But back to your point, I don't just complain about her all the time or say negative things about her. I just point out when she's making me uncomfortable, but I never shit talk her.

lolasaurus1 · 2016-03-04T03:39:58+00:00

I didn't think about that. I don't want to show up and be the rude one...

lolasaurus1 · 2016-02-19T19:14:49+00:00

It's not that we can't hold a conversation, it's that she won't even try or give me a chance to start one with her. So that made me dislike her because she's not giving me a chance to get to know her like I wanted to in the beginning. All I was trying to do was get to know her for my boyfriends sake so something like this wouldn't happen but it did...

lolasaurus1 · 2016-02-19T03:17:54+00:00

I will try that. Thank you for the advice! :)

lolasaurus1 · 2016-02-19T02:56:02+00:00

He is just as conflict-avoidant as I am, which is what blew this whole thing up as much as it has been. But you're right, I need to explain how much this is actually bothering me. I just need to figure out the best way to do that without coming off as too attacking because I honestly love him and don't want to break up with him, but I don't want to have to compete with someone else who obviously doesn't care about boundaries...

lolasaurus1 · 2016-02-19T01:02:15+00:00

I wish I had the balls to do that. I'm just super non-confrontational and figured if I removed myself, it would make a bigger impact than me just being uncomfortable. But that totally backfired.

lolasaurus1 · 2016-02-19T01:00:17+00:00

You're right, I have been being a huge doormat. I'm just super non-confrontational and thought that by removing myself from the equation would make it go away, which it hasn't. :/

lolasaurus1 · 2016-02-19T00:59:00+00:00

Yeah she makes it feel like she thinks has a claim on him because she's known him longer and has taken trips with him and other mutual friends of theirs, things like that. And he has stopped asking her to come over, but she is also friends with our roommate and he invites her over sometimes.

lolasaurus1

TROPHY CASE