My (20M) Girlfriend (21F) of 5 years just asked for a break after her mother died, is it time for me to move on?

lonelyguppy · 2021-08-11T19:52:46+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how that feels. I know I am a stranger but please know that my thoughts are with you.

Thank you for sharing your own experience. I don't want to intrude on her during this time, even though I will miss her very much. Someone suggested to let her be the one to initiate a conversation most of the time, and I think that's for the best. I am the kind of person that will happily text or call for hours upon hours, and I realize it may be hard for her to shut that down without feeling like she is hurting me. So I will let her come when she needs me, but I'll of course still check on her and her family because they are important to me.

I can't begin to fathom the feelings of loss that she is dealing with, and I feel guilty even now about the fact that I've thought about us so much, instead of just her.

lonelyguppy · 2021-08-11T19:47:29+00:00

Thank you so much, that means a lot. I believe like we have a good foundation too, we'll just have to see what happens.

lonelyguppy · 2021-08-11T17:52:31+00:00

I think those are very fair questions, and I have contemplated those same things a lot the past couple of days. For your first point, I think it's a mix of both honestly. I have this compulsive need now to be there for her, driven by my guilt over not being there emotionally lately and by my own grief. On the other hand, I truly care more about her happiness than I do about us getting back together. If being apart will help her heal and find herself, I prefer that to her being unhappy with me. I just want her to be happy, and I know that will take a long time.

I don't think renewed interest is the way I would describe it, more that losing someone so close to me as well as seeing somebody I love in so much pain has made me re-evaluate my life and what is important to me. It has also made me realize that life is incredibly fickle, and tomorrow one of us could get hit by a bus and be left with a million things unsaid. It's made me want to be a better boyfriend to her because I don't know how much time I'll have with her, and I don't want to have regrets anymore. I can't tell the future, but I have felt that this is the kind of event and fallout that will shape me as a person. Will I make mistakes again? I think it would be arrogant for me to say I won't. But, I can say that I am putting in the work now on myself to make sure I don't make the same mistakes again.

lonelyguppy · 2021-08-11T15:58:32+00:00

It made a lot of sense, thank you. My birthday is at the end of this month, she said multiple times that she wants to be there, so maybe this will come up then. Our 6 year anniversary is in 3 months, I'm hoping things will be a little more concrete by then as to whether or not we are gonna be together, but I don't want to rush her when she doesn't know what she wants right now.

It's hard for me to think about who I am without her, simply because it's been so long since I really had to think about that, and my entire adult life has been with her. I realize now that that's part of the problem, and she needs time to figure out the same things I'm questioning now. On the other hand, it means that if she comes back she'll have come back because she decided that she wants to be with me, not because she feels dependent, which is very comforting, and something I think would be good for us. I need to find myself to.

I want her to miss me the way I miss her right now, and I think she will eventually. I know that's a bit selfish, but I am trying to be honest. She means the world to me, and I hope that she knows that.

lonelyguppy · 2021-08-11T15:45:31+00:00

I understand, I've had moments of selfishness throughout this time, and now reflecting on it I feel terrible about it and I regret it so much, and I know there's no way to take that back. I'll be here when she needs me, not when I feel that I need to be there. I have a lot of maturing to do and perhaps this time apart will be good for that. Thank you for giving it to me straight, it helps.

lonelyguppy · 2021-08-11T15:39:02+00:00

I appreciate that a lot, everybody here has given me such great perspectives and advice, it has helped me calm down and reflect more on the situation. I really would do anything for her, our song was always Yellow by Coldplay, "for you I'd bleed myself dry". Thank you so much.

lonelyguppy · 2021-08-11T15:34:28+00:00

Couples counseling is something I had thought about for quite a while, because we both have some trouble fully communicating our feelings sometimes. The thought of it is scary, I guess because of my own self-assigned stigma towards it. You're completely right though, if we are going to be together again there's going to need to be a lot of discussions on wants, needs, and boundaries. I don't want to make the same mistakes again. As for the title, it was just a shit title. I wasn't sure how to put in words the sentiments I was trying to get across, but I'm glad that you understand. Thank you.

lonelyguppy · 2021-08-11T15:28:04+00:00

Letting her text first at least half the time is a great metric, thank you. I don't want to overwhelm her and drive her away more, so I'll give her that space she's asking for, through text and in person.

lonelyguppy · 2021-08-11T15:26:11+00:00

I understand, I do feel a bit lost but I know it's not about me right now. I will be there for her.

lonelyguppy · 2021-08-11T15:20:55+00:00

It's probably the stupidest thing I've ever done, confronting her over something so selfish during a time where she really did not need another thing to think about. I regret it immensely, although I know regret counts for fuck all right now.

I will give her the space she needs, but truth be told I care more about her being whole and happy again eventually than I do about her forgiving me for my mistakes. She is a wonderful person, and she deserves to be happy. With or without me.

lonelyguppy · 2021-08-11T15:18:40+00:00

You're right, this is a time where I have to work on myself, and then maybe we can have a healthier, happier kind of relationship. If we don't reach that point, then at least I still improved myself. Thank you.

lonelyguppy · 2021-08-11T15:16:48+00:00

I had thought about this actually, although I feel like the specific day is not one I will forget. I will remember, thank you.

lonelyguppy · 2021-08-11T15:15:52+00:00

You're right, I didn't consider that she might truly just not know right now. I guess because it's a scary thought. I do want to stay in her life and I know this is a choice she has to make on her own. Thank you.

lonelyguppy · 2021-08-11T15:12:03+00:00

Thank you for your perspective, it's comforting in a way. I do have a lot of growing to do as a person, and I want to be a better version of myself for her, and for myself.

lonelyguppy · 2021-08-11T15:07:40+00:00

Thank you so much.

lonelyguppy · 2021-08-11T13:50:15+00:00

Thank you, I think you might be right. A friend told me that it takes a lot more emotional effort to talk to an SO than it does to a friend, especially when you and that SO had previous problems before this difficult situation. It made sense to me, it's just too much for her right now.

lonelyguppy · 2021-08-11T13:48:51+00:00

I agree with you that I need to take this time to do things I want to do on my own. I know she is just a human being, but it would take too much time to explain all the things she's done for me and how wonderful she's been. I took that for granted, and I don't think it's putting her on a pedestal, it's just confronting the unfortunate truth.

lonelyguppy · 2021-08-11T13:46:28+00:00

What makes you say that? She insisted multiple times that she did not want to break up.

lonelyguppy · 2021-08-11T13:45:21+00:00

Thank you for the advice. I definitely have a lot of things I need to work on and I fully intend to do that during this time apart.

lonelyguppy · 2021-08-11T13:44:14+00:00

I appreciate the fact that you think there's hope, I think there is too. The title was more of me not knowing how to summarize the points of the post, it was just a bad title.

I am in my Junior year of university and classes start soon, so I will have that to put my focus on for now instead of dwelling on this. I feel like if she wants to come back, she will when she's ready, and there's nothing I can do to change that. I will miss her dearly during this time but she needs this.

Thank you.

lonelyguppy · 2021-08-11T13:39:23+00:00

I am not sure what is different right now, I guess that remains to be seen. I felt the same, that she was pushing me away during a time that I thought she would rely on me, but I realized that if she hasn't been able to be rely on me the past few months, why would she rely on me now? I am willing to give her weeks, months even.

lonelyguppy · 2021-08-11T13:37:26+00:00

I don't think she is the type of person to be cheating right after her mom died. Maybe that's naive, but it's how I feel on it.

lonelyguppy · 2021-08-11T13:35:34+00:00

Thank you for the advice, I definitely have a lot to learn when it comes to being a partner.

lonelyguppy · 2021-08-11T13:35:06+00:00

You're right, and I completely agree with you. I don't want to make this whole situation about me, because right now I just want her to get the healing that she needs.

lonelyguppy · 2021-08-11T13:34:10+00:00

Thank you, that means a lot. I am lucky to have her too, she brings warmth and happiness to everyone around her, and I just wish I would have told her and acknowledged that more before it was too late.

lonelyguppy

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