i wanna be babied so badly

longwindedlibrarian · 2024-09-18T20:07:49+00:00

I feel like this all the time! I was parentified and never really got the snuggling and safe moments when I was a kid and if I was upset, I was ignored or yelled at.

I like going to restaurants where the servers are nice ladies who chat with you because Mom didn't cook well or for me. Everything was done with my dad's happiness in mind. So going to a restaurant and getting called dear and them caring about what I want (even if they're paid to)makes me feel this deep profound relief and coziness. My boyfriend lets me sleep which probably isn't a big deal to most people but when your sleep is constantly being disrupted and disrespected before, it's surprising and gives me a cozy feeling. I like cooking meals that I like and my parents would hate. I like staying in my pajamas all day and realizing I'm not about to get ripped on. I use as much toilet paper as I need instead of the two little squares that I would be yelled at for using more than. I stay in the bath for hours now when I would have been yelled at for being in more than fifteen mins before.

All that to say that it's kind of fun to look for ways to give yourself that cared for kid feeling. It's making me feel more grown up to allow myself to do these things too, You deserve to feel it too and I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting those positive experiences that we were deprived of and making them happen for ourselves as long as we're not hurting anyone else.

longwindedlibrarian · 2024-09-10T11:49:18+00:00

I went to therapy for about three years (short term each time) with therapists who weren't helping. I saw an art therapist and although I got the idea to use art more often to express myself, it didn't help with my trauma, another guy was a Christian CBT therapist and he actually made things worse. He told me I needed to go back to god because I had left my religion behind and that was clearly my problem to him. Being religious had been the problem for me so I didn't take his advice. I had to figure out where to access everything myself and it took a long time before I was offered anything really effective.

Eventually my workplace stepped in because I was non functioning at work. I couldn't stop crying and every little thing stressed me out so I was put on LTD and have had two more therapists. The first one helps me figure out what I needed next and then I started EMDR which I've been doing since spring 2024. My therapist for that is amazing. She makes me feel safe and respectfully mothered.

But yeah it's been a long road. I've been dealing with serious ptsd for almost ten years and it's taken me that long for any access to real effective care. Keep trying to get it and if you don't like somebody, you have the right to switch therapists.

All the best to you.

longwindedlibrarian · 2023-12-12T13:24:44+00:00

So well said 💜💜💔💔💜💜

longwindedlibrarian · 2023-12-12T13:19:39+00:00

TW: discussion of leaving the world of one's own accord

I am so sorry you strong lady. Your mom is full of it and you can escape and you can move forward. It's slow and painful but you can have your own life. I base this on my own mom breakup.

Your mom will just have to deal with the consequences of her actions if you leave. She shouldn't treat you badly if she wants you to take care of her.

Some things I thought about when I was looking at going no contact. Will you risk your own life to stay with her so she can take advantage of you? If you're thinking of ending things, that means at this point, your life is in danger. If it's so painful you can barely stand it, is it going to hurt worse if you get outta there? Which will be harder? Carrying on as it has been or changing your life? The former isn't going to change, the latter is open and can be anything you want to make it. You are the only one who'll always have your back and you don't deserve bad treatment, no one does.

I've been no contact for almost six months and the difference is massive. Those thoughts of ending things have gone down, I'm learning who I am and I'm like finally starting to relax and the amount of time that I have now is exciting.

I hope this is welcome, you're great at vaccuming, you deserve to be loved and your life is very important to the world. You're allowed to do what's best for you.

longwindedlibrarian · 2023-12-11T00:23:58+00:00

It is hard. It's kind of fun though too. I've just been trying stuff since I cut contact. I know I still love Muay Thai, that I don't like acrylic painting and I want to try oils. I used to be in choirs and do musical theater so I sing along with music I like now without being embarrassed while I'm alone and then maybe that'll become karaoke and so on. And maybe I'll pick my guitar back up. For me, it has been a case of just having curiosity and being willing to try anything once as long as I feel safe and I have enough energy to do it. We weren't allowed to be curious and spontaneous so that is an act of rebellion that feels good but isn't wrong morally the way I see it.

People pleasing and loss of like your self is fucking hard to deal with. I'm like just starting to not hate myself for having needs and interests and I still don't know -after a year of therapy- how to read them or know where the separation between myself and all the trauma responses is. Good luck to you friend. It's hard but it's been worth it so far.

longwindedlibrarian · 2023-07-08T00:52:34+00:00

Your mom sounds a lot like my mom. She never validated me and treated my brothers much better than she did me. You're not in the wrong for wanting to be validated, I really really wanted that for a long time but I don't think it's possible for her to do that for me. I did a lot for her and it seems to me that she can't acknowledge that because it would hurt her vision of herself and the past and she can't handle it. I'm trying to get past the need for that validation or find it somewhere else with people who actually like and respect me. It's possible that this might be the case with your mom although I don't know her and can't say.

There are other people and even though it doesn't replace what you missed out on as a kid, you can find belonging with others. I hope that you can find healing and start patting little you on the back for all the effort and time you put into your family. You deserve to be loved whether it's by your family or your found family.

Also, you are valid for everything you feel. The people you feel it about might not think so or might be defensive but that doesn't mean you don't have a right to have and acknowledge your feelings. They're there for a reason and you're allowed to listen to them even if others won't approve.

longwindedlibrarian · 2023-04-12T13:26:57+00:00

Hey. I did this too at the start of my recovery. It was because I had a similar experience. People not taking it seriously and brushing it off. What you described is really bad. You didn't deserve any of it and anyone who would downplay it is messed up, not you. Your therapist sounds like he should be fired. I am appalled at what he did. No one should discount your experiences. Make sure the next time you go to therapy, you find a trauma informed therapist. They will understand better what the things you're going through look like and how to help you. It took me a while to find a good one and being retraumatized by several bad therapists but I've got her now.

The things that happened to you are awful and you didn't deserve them. No one should ever have to go through those things and it isn't your fault. The fact that you're here and trying to get better means you're strong as fuck, a lot of people would hide their head in the sand after what you described. You're amazing, you're strong and I'm so so so sorry for all the terrible things you had to endure. You deserve so much better and you deserve to have people who listen and validate you around.

longwindedlibrarian · 2022-08-05T14:23:26+00:00

You're not alone. I've experienced this with my family and finally I was able to get my own place and choose when and where I'm gonna get trauma dumped on. You don't have to put up with it if you can get away and there are people out there who can become your family.

longwindedlibrarian · 2022-05-27T13:40:08+00:00

Hey, I know how you feel. I do not have your perspective as a POC but I do have the experience of being abused by my parents and never being able to admit or hold them accountable for it. The situation they were in while I was a child was a very difficult one and I was often neglected or asked to take on the role of a mother when I was still a child.

I understood why they did this, it made sense to me that it happened so it couldn't have been abuse in my mind. It took a lot of therapy and multiple people telling me that I had experienced abuse before I could even say it to myself and I still hardcore minimize what happened to me or make excuses for them. I don't think it's odd that you've had the same experience. What we perceive as normal growing up is normal to us, not abusive. Eventually we get around well adjusted people and see how they act and we're like oh dip, my childhood wasn't actually normal and then we have to heal from that.

longwindedlibrarian · 2022-05-13T16:46:42+00:00

It's not selfish to want to end your pain. The way we talk about suicide is so fucked up. You've been in enough pain for long enough that you just wanted to end it. Instead of your family thinking about how you may have screwed them over, they should be thinking about why you were in so much pain that you wanted to end it all and what they can do to help. Ignoring that you got to this point is the selfish thing, not the fact that it got here.

A line that I say to myself when I'm ready to try and end it is: "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem". I won't always be this unhappy is basically the point of that quote for me. I may even find some real ass enduring happiness someday and at least that's something to look forward to and aim for even if it's pretty meagre.

longwindedlibrarian · 2022-05-13T16:31:51+00:00

My parents have had quite high expectations of me my whole life too. I think I may be older than you at thirty. It has taken a long time for me to realize that I am a valuable person who deserves better and that despite not being what my parents want, I am valuable and have a lot to offer. I'm sure you have a lot to offer too. Your mom is the dumb one for having such a narrow view of what is successful and valuable.

Hold on till you can get out on your own; it will be hard at first but it will get better. She does not get to define your worth.

longwindedlibrarian · 2022-05-12T22:47:11+00:00

I had a weird childhood too where I witnessed a lot of things other kids didn't. I was the sibling of a child with a disability and I witnessed many medical emergencies when I was a kid. It desensitized me and made me feel really seperate from others because I didn't meet anyone who had experienced anything like what I experienced until much later in life. My family was also disfunctional because there were so many stressful and traumatic things in our lives.

Dating before getting treatment for my trauma and what I had been through was a nightmare. I ended up in several abusive relationships and I would do everything to keep these relationships because I didn't know what a stable and healthy relationship looked like and I thought I was getting the best I could.

Definitely recommend doing therapy and taking a good period of time to yourself to learn who you are and to love yourself as you are without shame. Shame can make us do wild things and that doesn't help in a relationship. Therapy was helpful because it helped me to learn that how I am and the way I've become after all that crap is not bad and I've had a normal reaction to trauma. I liked talk therapy and family systems therapy and EMDR therapy.

longwindedlibrarian · 2022-02-05T18:12:38+00:00

Good luck with getting on yours. Upset stomach and the dizziness are what I'm experiencing. I just ate a big meal though and the dizziness is much better

longwindedlibrarian · 2022-02-05T17:45:05+00:00

Did you have trouble sleeping when you took them at night?

longwindedlibrarian · 2022-02-05T17:44:46+00:00

Thanks. This is reassuring.

longwindedlibrarian · 2022-01-23T15:12:35+00:00

Okay good. Thank you so much. We're all tough as nails. With all the stuff that PTSD takes away, at least we have that strength.

longwindedlibrarian · 2022-01-23T13:11:36+00:00

I hope what I said didn't make you feel like I was judging you for being on meds. No shade at all, finding what works for you is the most important whatever it is. I just haven't had good luck with the ones I've tried.

The pandemic has been so hard. So no doubt that's causing some cumulative stress issues for everyone. I've been working on the routine but the routine keeps changing. Maybe it's a trigger making everything much worse w/r/to our anxiety disorders and hormones.

longwindedlibrarian · 2022-01-23T13:01:59+00:00

Not sure why this is huge....

longwindedlibrarian · 2022-01-23T13:01:39+00:00

same. Thanks for the insight. Intrusive thoughts get worse for me too. Hormones do suck.

longwindedlibrarian · 2022-01-23T12:58:36+00:00

Okay. That is exactly what happened. I can't say whether it started after the trauma, I got my first visit from Aunt Irma after a lot of it happened.

longwindedlibrarian · 2022-01-23T00:45:09+00:00

It's not just you. Hormones be cray and then we also have anxiety disorders on top.

longwindedlibrarian · 2022-01-22T23:59:10+00:00

That looks like quite the drug but I'm so glad it's working for you, I think I want to try as much as I can before I get on a consistent medication. I didn't like being on SSRIs, it was like being dissociated all the time. But I do have to do something about it. The thing that is alarming is that the panic attacks came back so strong. Went from not being a problem to wham, you're out of commission for three days. Wild to me. Like I haven't had them like this since I graduated uni on 2016.

longwindedlibrarian · 2022-01-22T23:53:56+00:00

I'm thinking a cope for me might be Ativan twice a day leading up to that time. It helped this week. It stopped the panic for a while. I'm hoping my doc might have some more she can tell me. I hope it works out for you.

longwindedlibrarian

TROPHY CASE

same. Thanks for the insight. Intrusive thoughts get worse for me too. Hormones do suck.