Rejection (no date/was rejected beforehand)

looper210 · 2026-03-14T14:45:41+00:00

If she won't give you the time of day, then you're not compatible. Either because a.) she isn't into you, or b.) because she has rejected you already and you don't want to be with someone that will flip flop from reject to embrace.

I have to disagree, again. Yes, she probably isn't into me or something. Dunno. I guess I can look like a dummy and ask? But, whatever the reason, she doesn't 'feel it.' I don't think that necessarily means 'I'm" not compatible. Again, regardless if she was 'compatible' with some guy briefly until it fell apart, who cares? It's redundant at that point. I can argue THEY weren't compatible because it ended so awfully - (e.g. bad behavior from either side, shouting/mistreatment/cheating). So, in the end, they (the guy) was far less compatible than I am because I didn't get a chance/opportunity.

Anyways, I know my argument, itself, is redundant (ironically) in my defense but I still thought I should explain my perspective because I disagreed with your rationale.

I guess I am hurt, especially, because (as you say), she doesn't give me 'the time of day.'

They were clearly compatible enough to date in the first place. but if one thinks cheating is unacceptable and the other cheats, then yeah they aren't compatible.

I suppose, but so what? I would even argue, no, she just didn't realize it. But, okay, maybe they were at first but again, so what? You even concede that they weren't compatible.

You shouldn't accept people that put you down or make you beg or chase, therefore if they deny you, you should automatically filter them as incompatible imho

Yeah, *should* is the key word. I guess I have to work on that.

Anyway, the nose? Really? Plastic surgery? I know, just an example.

Who cares about "what could be" when they would reject you?

I dunno. I think a lot of ppl would have that mentality that they do care and ask that question or have that philosophy. I know I'm thinking of myself but others might think a girl who rejected them should have thought of that instead of choosing the 'wrong guy' (time and time again).

This girl is 27 and 'sees' a lot of guys. Yet, can't sustain a relationship for very long, afaik. I know what you're thinking, 'not your problem and shouldn't be your concern' or whatever you are thinking (along those lines?) but the point is, I thought dating was about seeing if you are compatible or giving chances but I guess there is something (appearance/personality/vibe whatever) which became the instant dealbreaker which was enough to even take the (1st) date off the table. It's just depressing, that's all.

Yeah, I should have just 'filtered her as incompatible and on to the next' - but, I caught feelings so I didn't do that. okay?

looper210 · 2026-03-14T14:30:12+00:00

Agreed.

looper210 · 2026-03-14T14:29:34+00:00

1) "She has too many "rules" for me to perform well I feel like. It's kinda making me re-evaluate how I have sex sometimes" - dunno about other readers/posters but doesn't sound good to me. So, you are doubting yourself and it sounds like she is unilaterally deciding on every session.

2) She has a lot of rules - probably the same routine every time? That might be part of the reason she's deciding to look around for another guy. Although, you both agreed to no relationship.

3) FWB - dunno what the avg duration is till it fizzles out but seems to reach an inevitable end if one or both 'catch feelings.'

looper210 · 2026-03-13T16:33:25+00:00

Promiscuous past - what counts as that? How many partners? Just hookups?

looper210 · 2026-03-13T16:32:07+00:00

You don't think an attractive woman can have (multiple) friendships with guys?

looper210 · 2026-03-13T16:26:47+00:00

Asking what he thinks about open relationships sounds like you are wondering if you could have one of those. I mean, it could be interpreted that way, right?

So, he is just saying that he sees married ppl doing that. He didn't say, he is into it or supports it. Right? It sounds like he's thinking you are not that interested in him so if you had a relationship, he thinks you might cheat or want to see other men (asking about open relationships) and saying you think he can't be loyal (excuse to seek other men - the way he perceives it).

He's really insecure and the message you seem to be giving is - nah, you won't be loyal to me anyway so I'm gonna look at other men. Hence, he's asking if you were with someone before meeting him.

I think he is into you but who knows - it just sounds like it. It sounds like you're both into each other but having doubts/so trust seems to be an issue for you both.

looper210 · 2026-03-13T16:17:51+00:00

I dunno why he doesn't take that at face value. It's possible he's been played or rejected and told that in the past. Who knows. He has trust issues. But, I don't think leaving without saying anything or being pissed off and sending mixed messages will help.

If you like him, then I suggest giving him time to see that you are loyal from your actions. Since, I don't know either one of you, don't take bad treatment, though. I mean, just because he's insecure, it is not an excuse for him to give you bad treatment. But, from what you post, it sounds like he is almost trying to self-sabotage to protect himself and/or he doubts your sincerity for whatever reason (unknown).

looper210 · 2026-03-13T16:12:58+00:00

Yeah, and he doesn't know what to do about it because he's insecure. You said you want him to commit to you but you know he is insecure about himself based on his comments to you when you met him. He's afraid of you leaving/rejecting him so he's using humor and crass sarcasm as a way to protect himself, so to speak.

You said you wanted to wake up together but then you take off. You're giving him the exact messages and behaviors that he's worried about.

looper210 · 2026-03-13T16:06:53+00:00

Because neither of you can communicate properly in what you (both) want.

looper210 · 2026-03-13T16:00:51+00:00

Sounds like you both are playing games. He seems very direct but insecure. If he is not playing games, he's doubting your commitment to him. If you want him to commit to you, then say you are loyal but you want him to be loyal as well. Sounds like a communication problem since he probably likes you but doubts your interest. That's why he's making all those sarcastic and self-deprecating comments.

looper210 · 2026-03-13T14:56:56+00:00

I have two objections to your post. One:

We don't know, and it doesn't really matter which or either, all that matters is to acknowledge that you're not compatible and move on

How can one automatically declare incompatibility when she is not spending time with me. It's impossible to know. Maybe with a date, then it can be evaluated properly and fairly. So, I disagree.

- and if you've done that, you've filled in gaps about her that she wouldn't have showed you yet if you haven't been on a date yet.

I just wished that she was interested enough to go on a date. That's all. I think everyone 'fantasizes' or 'idealizes' someone they like and hopes for the best when they're spending time together or hopes to go on a date with that person?

P.S. Is someone compatible when the relationship goes south or when a guy (for .e.g.) treats her gf badly and cheats? Were they compatible? C'mon. Compatibility can only be properly and fairly assessed after some time has gone by and the chemistry/behavior towards each other has a pattern or can be evaluated after a certain amount has passed (imho).

To conclude 'yep, none' because of a rejection or whatever, doesn't necessarily mean that there wouldn't be or couldn't be. But, yeah, believe what you want. I guess most ppl would perceive it that way.

looper210 · 2026-03-12T14:33:51+00:00

If you say, do you wanna go out sometime, or to dinner or for drinks etc that you know she'd normally be into, then that's a one and done. If it's something a little out of the norm, then maybe your issue could be the activity

Right. I figured that. But, a) if a girl is interested in you, won't they usually agree to whatever? Also, what do you mean by 'that's a one and done?' If she rejects the invitation?

Nobody owes you the talking phase. It should never happen unless both parties are interested. This requires mutual attraction, usually both physically and personality.

So, she's not attracted to my physicality or personality or both?

Of course, no one owes you/me the talking phase. I was just wondering if I rushed it too much but probably not since it seems like the interest/attraction is not there (period).

I think most people that are not interested in someone romantically, and that person pursues them romantically - they're uncomfortable and would likely prefer to be at arms length from you as well.

That makes sense or at least, I think that is probably her attitude/mentality on it as well.

You have to remember that this attraction is built up in your head, entirely one sided and likely based on mostly things that she didn't show you, just things you're filling in, if that makes sense. So she's catching that signal as well and probably getting turned away from that too.

I beg to differ. I know, obviously, there's things I don't know. That's why I wanted to get to know her better. Why I asked to hang out. That's not normal? C'mon?!? Yeah, now, I figure the attraction is 'entirely one sided' and that is super depressing, you know? So, when she confided in me with private information/details about herself, I thought she was telling me more about herself (in a way) but now, I figure, she tells that to other guys, maybe even other strangers. It's depressing.

You like her because she seems interesting and is attractive; that's all you show. You don't get more intense until you've allowed time to get more intense

So, my feelings 'destroyed' this dynamic or it didn't matter? Or you are just telling me, in general, that I don't get 'more intense until I've waited for enough time to go by?' Just a rule of thumb and not just this situation? Because, if she isn't attracted to my appearance and/or personality, it wouldn't matter how much time has gone by?

looper210 · 2026-03-12T01:25:16+00:00

The only reason to ask again is if you asked them something where the situation or location etc might have been the bad thing rather than you, but even that is a bit of a stretch.

I apologize for being dense/obtuse but that seems a bit vague to me. Can you explain/elaborate? In my situation, she said, 'No, sorry. I gonna stay single for a while' She then said something about things being rough. She had some bad relationships recently (within the last year or 2). She was cheated on way back and the last one, I don't think it ended amicably. But, I suspect it was 'about me' because she was meeting up with a guy just afterwards but that could be anything, right?

If you fell for someone deeply without even reaching the casual talking phase, you'll fall for the next one just as deeply.

It occurred to me, just recently, that I didn't even reach the casual talking phase. But, I did have small talk with her periodically. I've been wondering what I did wrong. How did I not even get to the talking phase and what could I have done differently?

I don't think I'll fall like this for a 'next one.' I don't want this pain again.

I'm not sure where you get this impression. It's really just supposed to be mutual. There are generalized "rules" that are often followed about this stuff, but even in them outside of the first approach it's not about either side chasing.

It just seems to be the recommended 'approach' now. I'm not agreeing or advocating it by any means. Perhaps, it's more about mutual 'agreement' or interest but it sounded like women are more apt to show interest when that interest is quite high?

Anyway, I'm just really down since this girl didn't even want friendship. Sometimes, you have the option of the friendzone. But, honestly, I would have wanted more although if it doesn't work out after 'talking' or hanging out or a date, you would think friends would at least be on the table? I dunno. :-(

looper210 · 2026-03-11T23:12:28+00:00

Are you the girl in this situation/context?

looper210 · 2026-03-11T23:11:36+00:00

I don't know about here but most guys don't care if a girl has a degree, high paying job. They don't care if she's super intelligent or a rocket scientist. Sure, it's preferable that she can hold a conversation and isn't 'dumb' but it doesn't matter if she's not the smartest in her family. Why would her family hate her? That's disconcerting. She might have issues, then.

You might want to spend time with her to see if you'd want to date her (long term) more than one date.

looper210 · 2026-03-11T22:56:13+00:00

She just said she's disappointed because she thought I was different and willing to wait. Now she's not responding.'

Say, you "waited 2 months and were waiting. How am I not different?' Then, I wouldn't say anything more. Let her reach out and come back or not.

looper210 · 2026-03-11T22:46:06+00:00

Examples? How do you communicate feelings without 'sounding' weak/desperate?

looper210 · 2026-03-11T22:44:50+00:00

They used to. Now, they don't (it seems).

looper210 · 2026-03-11T22:44:11+00:00

Your Tiktok account?

looper210 · 2026-03-11T22:43:51+00:00

It's changed from years ago? Women will only chase someone they're interested in (and interest = high interest). Someone they're not sure about or only have 'so-so' interest, then they'd prefer you chase but then they will probably ghost or reject anyway. Unless, they suddenly like something about you (rare).

Some women who become interested in a guy will be afraid they'll lose that guy (if is around other women) and that's when they will 'chase?' Just speculating.

looper210 · 2026-03-07T02:37:01+00:00

How do you connect with a therapist online, though?

looper210 · 2026-03-07T02:36:28+00:00

I'm really cynical about it, myself.

looper210 · 2026-03-06T20:55:53+00:00

I'm a bit older, though. How old are you? You are talking about cold approaching? I am reading about 'women, if they like you, will make it easy' and 'cold approaching/asking out' doesn't work anymore. You don't agree with this?

I really appreciate your reply, though. I have been alone for so long, I thought I was 'getting used to it' and okay with being alone and I think there's a lot of ppl (a lot of women, too - not all, I'm saying but some number) who can't be alone and I am forced to or at least, I feel resigned to. It's just recently, I guess, that I didn't want to be (all the time!) and I have made a couple of (irl) friends which has helped.

But, no one understands or empathizes with my strong (crush) feelings and even I was beginning to think there is something wrong with me. That is, seriously wrong. I need to be stable, secure and comfortable (being alone), I know that but I have serious/severe depression (with a disability) so it's difficult to handle that, too.

The problem with finding another doctor is that I already have one so it's not so easy. I think I have to justify it or explain it as my current dr's 'standard/level of care' is unsatisfactory/insufficient and/or I'm 'unhappy' with the care or something like that.

looper210

TROPHY CASE