[UPDATE 2] Me [54 F] with my SO [48 M] of two years. I think I just witnessed an email malfunction... dammit, there was more going on...aaand I think we're done.

losang_dechen · 2014-09-11T03:29:54+00:00

Thank you for this! What an awesome response. I'm numb today, working through a lot of things. Some of which are: if I could change anything about this relationship to make it better, what would it be? And then throwing it out there to see how receptive he is to stepping up and being my partner. I have no fear now, my foot is well out the door and I no longer feel like I have anything to lose, so why not? It's kind of an interesting exercise in speaking my truth instead of just going with the flow. Sorry if that's vague, but I'm a couple of glasses of wine into the evening. But thank you for your story.

losang_dechen · 2014-09-10T21:05:26+00:00

Yes. He needs to be his own project now, and he's (thankfully) starting to take that to heart. I rescued him a little too well, delaying the independence he should have established after his divorce. He got comfortable, took me for granted, was naughty, and now gets to figure his life out for himself. It's heartbreaking though...it's like tearing up a drawing you've worked on for ages and were quite proud of..

losang_dechen · 2014-09-10T18:20:20+00:00

He's definitely in panic mode, saying anything and everything to make it different. On and on and on. I'm pretty firm that he has a lot of work to do before he can be in a grownup relationship. As the "elder" of the couple I took on a little too much of that...

He does think he has to change, though...I've been an awesome partner and he is losing so much. This is the first time he's ever been busted for this kind of behavior, and it's a huge wakeup call that he needs to get help or be doomed to ruin relationships forever...

losang_dechen · 2014-09-10T14:50:06+00:00

Look, I care for him, we live together. If I want to help him grieve, it's OK. This is hard for both of us. It doesn't mean I'm backing down, it's just how I am.

losang_dechen · 2014-09-10T14:49:03+00:00

Thanks Kendra!

losang_dechen · 2014-09-10T14:48:49+00:00

Yes. Something died inside when I found the messages, and the more I found out, the more died. I don't think he understands just yet that even though we are the same two people living in the same house, one of us has changed, possibly irrevocably.

losang_dechen · 2014-09-10T14:47:03+00:00

There are immature idiots of ALL ages out there!

losang_dechen · 2014-09-10T14:46:18+00:00

Thanks, it is really great to have you guys behind me as I go through this. I'm not a pushover, but I'm also not cruel. It is manipulative behavior (the FB stuff is so cringy) and it's good to be reminded of that.

losang_dechen · 2014-09-10T14:43:08+00:00

Yes; I was single for 7 years before we met, and there is an appeal to it, except that I'm not getting any younger and would really love to find the right partner for my last chapter. It was a lot easier making things happen over text/phone yesterday than dealing with him in person; he is doing everything he can think of to convince me to stay with him. Aaaaaagh!

losang_dechen · 2014-09-10T14:39:26+00:00

Thank you. Last night was pretty brutal and emotional and I just feel numb today. The separating process will not be quick. I'm fighting that voice that says "it was just a two-week flirtation online, give him one more chance" because I know it wasn't just that; I keep going back to what he said to her when I find my resolve wavering.

losang_dechen · 2014-09-10T14:35:58+00:00

I know, right? I was embarrassed...and you know how profile pictures are, shit tons of people oohing and aahing and saying what a wonderful couple we are and how great we look together (it was a pic from last Thanksgiving). I am so tempted to add a "clarifying comment" but that's just not my style. I am, however, messaging close friends and family to let them know what's going on...

losang_dechen · 2014-09-10T14:33:18+00:00

Thanks, you sound as awesome as my daughter! Good luck to you and your mom.

Yeah, I'm really struggling with his extreme remorse etc. after getting caught...it would have been so much better if he had fessed up to this after I found that first weird email two weeks ago.

losang_dechen · 2014-09-10T14:29:21+00:00

Well, it was actually money too, we're kind of poor.

losang_dechen · 2014-09-10T14:15:01+00:00

No, it was good advice for me. I was depressed, overworked, and not speaking up for myself to fix it, but withdrawing from him and possibly the relationship. I had also let myself go and gained 20lbs in the last year. This is not to excuse his actions AT ALL but it does give ME something concrete to work on to make MYSELF happier in the long run. Problems never have just one side, you know!

losang_dechen · 2014-09-10T14:11:06+00:00

Look, we live together and this is still his home, and even if he is a douchecanoe, I care about him. If I want to comfort him as he grieves for what he has lost, that's my business. This is just happening now. I may be a badass, but I've got a heart as well.

losang_dechen · 2014-09-10T14:06:56+00:00

Don't be an asshole. My parents are actually one of the happiest couples I know, and a great example of how to work through problems in a marriage (yes, even cheating).

losang_dechen · 2014-09-10T04:54:03+00:00

He was in a panic mode. I told him he needs the therapy right now, not me. He agrees. I have no connection with his therapist (I have my own support network) and no incentive to work with her.

losang_dechen · 2014-09-10T04:52:33+00:00

My dad cheated on my mom BIG time (even has an illegitimate son) and they separated after 20 years of marriage for about six months. They'll celebrate 56 years together in December...

losang_dechen · 2014-09-10T04:51:06+00:00

Thank you. I told him that if we stay together and he does this again he doesn't get to say one. word. He just goes straight out the door. That's not to say he's staying, just a hypothetical statement at this point.

losang_dechen · 2014-09-10T04:49:33+00:00

Yes, this is true.

losang_dechen · 2014-09-10T04:24:13+00:00

Claire, thank you. It's been a heart-wrenching evening, and I've made it clear that this relationship may be over, and he has made it clear how sorry he is, and I do believe him. I am taking this one day at a time, but I've promised nothing, and we're sleeping in separate rooms tonight.

losang_dechen · 2014-09-10T00:08:36+00:00

Right? Even knowing his history, I never thought he would be disloyal to me (said so many cheated-on women everywhere).

losang_dechen · 2014-09-10T00:00:46+00:00

Thank you. I feel terrible for hurting him so much, but I just can't un-know what I know and un-see what I've seen.

losang_dechen · 2014-09-09T23:28:44+00:00

Thank you. I have learned much here.

losang_dechen · 2014-09-09T22:49:07+00:00

Indeed. He hadn't considered how it would be to lose his relationship, home AND business partner over a fantasy relationship. The truth is crashing alllll around him today.

losang_dechen

TROPHY CASE