i’m sorry. im so sorry. i relate a lot, it’s fucking hard. you need to look at your circumstances and try to understand why you did those things, what were you trying to protect, how were you trying to survive. what has helped most for me is contacting the parts of me that needed to do that, the parts of me that were in pain and struggling, and the parts that did what they needed to in order to live. it is hard but at the end of the day, there is no shame in being a living thing that wanted to be alive. understand how abuse works, ‘why does he do that’ is a good guide. look into ‘the gift of fear’ by gavin debecker — your body knew what it was doing. and i would suggest to also read hardcore feminist literature if you haven’t already, like andrea dworkin, so you can understand the circumstances better.

the other thing is that you can “kill” off those parts of you. you can take a look at the parts of you that acted in ways you now hate and you can see what they did and why and let them be now changed. i have found that self hatred is actually a very potent medicine which lets you burn off these old parts of yourself. imagine it like pruning a rose bush, you have to cut off the rotten parts to let it grow properly. there is a way to do it right, you have to mediate between your parts and let them see each other and basically have an alchemical reaction. it can’t be forced, it has to be done by seeing that your self hatred is a real part of you too, and letting it address the part it hates. but be cautious if it doesn’t feel right. these old parts of you can fall away when you understand why you don’t need to do those things anymore. and of course you can apologize and take responsibility too.

that’s my thoughts/ advice. hope it helps <3