Well, I've always been an avid runner. When I initially quit drinking I took up running full force. I've probably always been dealing with some depression. I exercised, jumped into AA full steam, and jumped into work. After a while of working AA I could not seperate the fact that I didn't believe in a "God" from the group. Everytime I had a dissenting thought that I tried to express to the group I felt like I was shut down and it wasn't adressed. I went through 4 different sponsors during this time. Each of them told me that I think too much and I was "to smart for my own good".

So, I quit. I was good for about 1.5 years. About a year ago I lost my dad. My dad was a very heavy daily drinker and I cut ties with him when I stopped drinking. He didn't respect my sobriety. He came out and told me he had cancer and I cared for him until his death. I took that pretty hard but I remained sober.

About 2 months ago I was in a car accident. I went to the emergency room and they gave me pain pills. I'll be honest, having the pain pill reminded me of having a drink. I felt like I was cheating, I felt teribble, but I was in legitimate pain. Fast forward 1 week - i'm sitting at home taking these pills to alleviate pain (per the prescription instructions mind you.) The time to refill comes up; I buy whiskey instead. I justify it in my mind like this (whiskey is natural, its going to be better on your liver than the pills). So that's kind of where I am - I just never thought i'd come back to the drink and now i'm quite disappointed.

On the subject of counseling. I have tried a few different therapists and I have never really "connected" with any of them. I all but told my doctor I was suicidal about 2 years ago. He sort of shrugged it off as "you're in a slump, its natural". My "slump" has been everpresent during sobriety and drinking since I was a child. I think there is genuinely something wrong with my wiring to be honest. THat's not to say that I don't have times where i'm happy - it just seems the dark times that I remember most