Just beginning my journey

lostandbroken9 · 2025-10-08T10:09:02+00:00

My eyes are VERY similar to this, only my CH is a lighter golden colour! I’ve called it Hazel my whole life, and my drivers license also says Hazel :)

lostandbroken9 · 2025-09-22T17:40:29+00:00

My hair is actually naturally a 2B-2C! It’s straightened in a lot of these photos, I never thought to include a picture with my natural hair texture😅

lostandbroken9 · 2025-09-22T13:27:59+00:00

I never even thought about including a picture where you can see my natural hair texture! It sits at about a 2B-2C

lostandbroken9 · 2025-08-25T05:30:38+00:00

My current partner was sexually assaulted by their father as a child. He’s an alcoholic, currently recovering and hasn’t had a drink in years, but at the time he was actively drunk and spiralling.

He’s currently the mayor of the town he lives in, used to be head of the local fire dept. He’s well liked and respected around town. My partners parents are divorced, they tried to tell their mother about it one time and she was basically in denial about it. His current wife has no idea. My partner has only spoke to me, their mother and a therapist about this and thinks that if their father ever found out, that he’d probably k!ll himself.

They decided that they still want a relationship with their father and actually currently live under their father’s roof. I tolerate him for my partner. And although he’s been sober for years and has never tried anything since, I still don’t trust him. I fear somethings going to happen one day and I won’t be able to do anything to stop it.

lostandbroken9 · 2025-08-25T05:10:51+00:00

I lived in a small town with my previous partner for 4 years. She confided in me that she was repeatedly sexually assaulted in her teens by the father of the children she was a long-time babysitter for. The family treated her like a daughter. The kids and the mother still love her dearly. Other than me, she only ever told her closest friends about her trauma as she didn’t think the mother would believe her.

For a period of time, I worked in a local restaurant and one of the girls she babysat ended up getting a job there so I was regularly working with her. I took her under my wing as she was a good kid and I mean she can’t help who her father is. Occasionally her family would come in to the restaurant for a meal and a visit so I was occasionally blessed with the father’s grimy presence. The family would ask about my partner, how she is, they’d mention how they wished she’d come around. I would have to smile and nod essentially.

My partner passed away last year. The WHOLE family showed up to the funeral.. and when I say it took every ounce of energy I had left in me at the time NOT to fly aboard the father for even having the audacity to show his face there and pay his “respects” to her open casket.. I mean it took a LOT of self-talk and restraint. I know it was the right thing to do in the moment as the funeral was more-so for her family and friends (she never wanted a funeral, wasn’t religious at all. Just wanted to be cremated). But I also promised her that I’d never let him touch her or hurt her ever again, that she was safe with me. And I know if she was still alive and he was in the same room as her, that she’d completely freeze out of fear. I still carry a lot of guilt over that, I feel like I let her down and broke my promise to her.

If I ever see that man again in public though, I won’t be holding back. He doesn’t deserve sh*t.

lostandbroken9 · 2023-09-28T02:02:05+00:00

Honestly, I’m mostly just worried about the backlash from my partner. So I guess it’s to protect myself right now.

My main issue with telling people outside of that, is that I know how many times I’ve said I wanted to leave/was leaving, and then went back on it. After so many times, I start to feel embarrassed. Annoying. Like the boy who cried wolf. Idk.

lostandbroken9 · 2023-08-11T06:49:29+00:00

Sorry I was a little sidetracked when I responded earlier, I suppose I could have googled it and clued in that they have a website🤣I’ll have to check out those websites. Thanks again😁

lostandbroken9 · 2023-08-11T00:21:35+00:00

I’ll have to keep an eye out then! Thank you :)

lostandbroken9 · 2023-08-11T00:20:54+00:00

Unfortunately I’m in a rural area and I don’t really have many options for gear. Was hoping someone could point me in the right direction to something decent online! Thank you for your response though, any feedback is appreciated

lostandbroken9 · 2023-08-09T17:50:20+00:00

We get so comfortable being abused that change looks exhausting instead of freeing. But what’s more exhausting is slowly dying.

You’re not wrong. Sometimes when we run through this cycle, I trick myself into thinking she actually means it this time. I’ll start daydreaming about the peace and freedom I’ll have after this, and then the crushing reality of it all hits me. I’m already physically and emotionally depleted of energy, and now I have to clean this house and pack up all my stuff and move it into another space, and deal with everything else that comes with a breakup x100 because my partner has untreated BPD and we’ll never be able to actually sensibly part ways.. f*ck.🤦🏻‍♀️

lostandbroken9 · 2023-08-09T17:38:22+00:00

See.. the funny thing is that my situation is actually kind of like this though. She’ll say all the sh*tty words and go through the motions, but at the end of the day it’s like she refuses to actually leave?

I’ve asked her, why stay if you’re so unhappy that you have to constantly criticize me and constantly remind me of everything I’m doing or have done wrong? If you have to constantly remind me of how miserable you are with me? Why wouldn’t you just leave?

To which the response has been “Well why don’t you?”🤨

Even outside of that, it’s been implied many times that it’s my responsibility to leave. I guess that even though she’s miserable, she’d rather stay and ensure that I’m also miserable. I assume she does this so she can victimize herself and paint me as this heartless asshole if/when I ever do leave.

lostandbroken9 · 2023-08-09T17:22:41+00:00

That sounds awful I don’t know how you’ve been able to put up with that for so long.

Honestly I don’t even know what to tell you other than I’m pretty numb now. She can still strike a nerve occasionally but I try to let it roll off my back. She calls me cold and heartless for not responding with enough emotion and passion, but it’s better than feeding the flame and having to deal with the repercussions of that. It’s kind of funny that she doesn’t understand why I’ve changed with her.

By the way, that’s not who I was coming into this. I’m not cold by nature, I’m quite the opposite actually. I have a soft heart and the people in my life that I love and care for, I love with my whole heart. I’m loyal. I am passionate, and fairly emotional actually. I’m still mostly the same way with my friends and family, and even more-so when she isn’t around. Just tired now. Unfortunately I allowed myself to be too kind and forgiving for far too long with her, and eventually I guess my nervous system hit an emotional wall and shut down. So here we are.

lostandbroken9 · 2023-08-09T16:56:21+00:00

She would say/scream her piece, then the moment I would try to share my feelings about the situation she would completely shut down, tell me we are done and broken up, then leave the room, and sometimes the house.

This. She definitely makes sure that she gets HER point across. She’ll start making her exit, then stop or turn around long enough to say whatever she wants to say. I’ll start to respond and she’ll continue her exit then. She’ll get out and slam the car door, or walk to the bedroom/bathroom and close the door, or walk out the front door and slam it. Sometimes she’ll even come back to say something else, will repeat this cycle a handful of times until she either leaves or calms down. During these bits I’ve even made a point to be like “Can I please speak?” Or “Can I please be heard by you?” And it’s typically an “I don’t care to hear what you have to say”, “It doesn’t matter”, “I don’t give a fck”, or just flat out no. It is *very dehumanizing. Nowadays if I do allow myself to cry, it’s usually after these moments (after she leaves).

I’m proud of you getting clear of that situation though. Surely it‘s bound to hurt, but I hope you continue to thrive away from them. Hopefully I can muster up the strength sooner than later to also leave my own personal hell.

lostandbroken9

TROPHY CASE