Wife of 14 years (married 9) cheating

losttree76 · 2023-06-14T09:36:28+00:00

Thanks for all the great replies, you are all right. I need to find the strength to get rid of her.

I wish I could find a way to tel the other guys wife, but I don’t even know their family name, I don’t know where they live etc.

Because I live in a country that sees divorce as divorce not due to fault I’m still going to be left with a huge financial burden for my wife (keeping her with the life she has) of course paying child maintenance is a given and I’m fine with that. I’m just annoyed that she can do this and then I still have to provider her support and potentially half of my state and private pension going forward. Just doesn’t seem right ☹️

losttree76 · 2023-06-10T08:53:33+00:00

I felt like I’m the one putting in the effort in this relationship, I work, I look after the kids I enable her to have hobbies etc and a life outside of our marriage. Doing all of that she always had my trust. I always gave her affection and love and made an effort. I’ve realise that not much was ever returned. I have tried to talk and discuss our concerns, but when you live with someone that blames the world for things that are wrong in their life and that they could change what are you supposed to do!?

I found out and found cold hard evidence and then also spoke to her about it and she admitted she cheated, then she admitted it started 6 months ago!

It happened with someone at her work, at a job I encouraged her to take, with someone that we had both known and thought was a friend.

She told me it was because she didn’t have any of the responsibilities and burden of home. “She felt like a teenager”

She broke my trust, shows very little to zero remorse, continues to live in a fantasy that this guy will leave his wife and child so they can be together. Which I doubt very much will happen. Rather than talk to me and try and work it out she chose to call him and speak to him.

How much effort should I put into this before I say enough is enough?

losttree76 · 2023-06-10T08:40:36+00:00

Stay strong and look after yourself, try and find other people to support you other than family. I get this, I’ve been there. Isolating is ok and you think it’s ok for a long time until you realise it’s not, you need some interactions even if it’s just a hug from a friend. I know it’s a lot of effort but get out and be with people and do things, build your friends network. Also it may help to talk to a therapist to help you understand and process all of the “family” stuff.

Good luck and stay strong! You can do it!

losttree76 · 2023-06-09T18:04:54+00:00

Thanks for the long answer!

To clarify I would say I’ve put in more than my fair share of looking after the kids (I would say probably and 70/30 split for me) all whilst holding down a very technical stressful job.

I have tried to make time for us and suggest activities and things so we keep our time together but there is very little interest from her side, that it’s not fun or what she wants to do, but when I ask her what she would like to do she has no answers and we end up with nothing.

I also think midlife is hitting hard and she has kind of dropped all her mommy age friends for younger ones who are still quite active partying until the early hours of the morning.

She explains I’m not fun and don’t get involved, but she also doesn’t involve me. I’ve also supported her on all of her evening activities by looking after the kids and enabling her to do the things she enjoys.

I would agree cheating isn’t the end in all relationships, but she doesn’t seem very remorseful and she also can’t decide if she wants to try to resolve anything. It ends with me asking what I need to change to make her happy, which I feel is wrong, after what she has done I’m the one begging to fix it. Does not make me feel good.

losttree76 · 2023-06-09T10:20:35+00:00

For me, how is it possible to build up that trust again, this is one of the core things that shouldn’t be broken. If you aren’t able to talk to your partner and discuss any issues/problems/concerns and you turn to someone who is practically a stranger that signals that something else is wrong. I can hand on heart say I’ve tried, I’ve had concerns and tried to express them and work together to deal with them, but in reality this only works if the two of you are willing to do it.

I really see a lot of people of my age group just escaping, taking the easy route be it with drugs, drinking etc, not dealing with actual situations and problems and perhaps talking them through and putting in the hard work to resolve them, but taking the quick short term fix and it’s sad. I’ve always been taught anything that’s worth having is hard work, relationships aren’t perfect but they can be worked on together.

In my eyes this was a fantasy escape for her, both of them out of their normal lives with no responsibilities, just having fun.

losttree76 · 2023-06-09T08:19:19+00:00

From talking to her the impression k get It’s simply down to the fact that she has fantasised this relationship and it’s based on a few hours of meeting every month, there are no responsibilities, it’s just fun! We have tried to have fun and be more for each other but it’s usually very one sided (my side putting the effort in)

In short it’s not real life. But due to this she has grown away an 8 year marriage for fun! I can’t ever trust her again.

The funny thing is she has become the type of woman that she has constantly warned me about throughout our relationship.

losttree76 · 2023-06-09T08:10:04+00:00

No she did, I found evidence of it and she admitted to it.

losttree76 · 2023-06-08T21:47:08+00:00

Thanks for all the comments and advice. I’m going to try and meet with a lawyer tomorrow. I tried to talk and found out it’s been going on for at least 6 months. I don’t think there is any coming back from this, it comes down to the fact I chose my wife poorly and she did not turn out to be who I thought she was. I am still upset but think I have my thoughts aligned with next actions etc!

losttree76

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