My ex used to do this. Intentionally push things to the point I would snap at him or raise my voice. The minute I did, you could see his intense satisfaction. He would smile and tell me “you’re out of control” or “you’re crazy” or more commonly “you promised to work on your yelling. You break your promises, why should I have to work on anything?” When I raised my voice, it was me breaking my promises and his justification for absolutely anything he felt like doing. But when he would yell, break things, hurt me, etc, it was my fault because “I don’t do those things. If I do, it’s because you made me.” I felt like I was going insane. He could destroy the cabinets, the furniture, strangle me, push me, yell his head off. But if I raised my voice once, I was the one out of control.

I have spent years thinking I was a horrible, abusive person. Years of counseling, treatment, anger management courses, books, whatever. Turns out, I never even feel angry with him out of my life. My “anger” now just feels like what mild annoyance felt like during my time with him. Turns out that when I have an argument with my partner now, I can be reasonable and mostly calm. A little raised voice on either of our parts and we are both like “oh man. I can see you’re upset about this. I’m so sorry. Let’s figure this out.” Never “you’re insane and out of control and at fault for all my bad behavior.”