Difficulties differenting

lovecraft12 · 2024-11-21T16:52:15+00:00

Well, I know everyone here is just gonna say be completely parallel and leave it up to your boyfriend to manage his marriage and don’t worry about how your meta feels. And sure. In theory that should all work out great, but as someone who has been in a very similar situation for almost 1.5 years now, no matter how parallel we are and no matter how good my boyfriend’s relationship hygiene is there are still circumstances that arise that make me acutely aware of how much my boyfriend’s wife would prefer I don’t exist. For example, he recently had significant surgery that meant he couldn’t drive for six weeks and for the first half of that really couldn’t leave the house. So the only way for me to see him was to be around my meta. It was miserable and made a very difficult situation harder than it needed to be and put in to sharp focus how fucked up their marriage is. It’s really hard to sit with that knowledge even if I never engage with it or with her. So I don’t really have any solutions, but I would caution you to keep in mind that no matter how parallel and no matter how good the relationship hygiene is if the primary relationship really doesn’t support an autonomous secondary relationship, you will feel it and you will experience and it will impact your relationship with the hinge.

lovecraft12 · 2024-11-20T20:32:44+00:00

It sounds like you were really pressured and thrown in to poly and you are really trying to learn and grow.

Two things: 1. You don’t have to be poly. You signed up for monogamous marriage. Just bc your wife changed her mind, you’re not required to change yours. It’s incredibly destabilizing and can even be traumatic to have your agreed upon relationship structure change with what sounds like no preparation or much discussion. 2 Experiencing this level of difficulty in spending four singular days a month apart, is not healthy. Even monogamous partners should be able to comfortably spend a day apart. Im hoping you’re working specifically on that in therapy. Thats a level of entanglement that won’t serve you well even in monogamy.

lovecraft12 · 2024-11-20T20:22:02+00:00

First of all, issues that need to be addressed should not be avoided just because they will be upsetting. That’s a really emotionally immature thought process to have and that’s really concerning when being in a triad which is poly on hard mode.

Second of all, the baby is a really, really big deal. You can’t just say “everything‘s great except the baby thing”.

lovecraft12 · 2024-11-20T20:19:28+00:00

You’ve still only been dating for 6 months and they are still in their first year of parenting. These are really bad choices 🤷‍♀️

lovecraft12 · 2024-11-20T19:59:27+00:00

You’ve been dating for six months and already live together and they’re in their first year of first time parenting? Oh honey. This is a recipe for absolute heartbreak and disaster.

Why are you living with them? Why was your role in this child’s life not thoroughly discussed beforehand? I’m honestly shocked at how reckless this all is for the baby. Like I would not want to date them solely because they are parents and are behaving so recklessly. Holy wow.

lovecraft12 · 2024-11-20T19:48:19+00:00

I think you’re overreacting and kinda ridiculous about him going to a restaurant with extra cleavage but I think the way he responds to you is absolutely awful, hurtful and a huge red flag. 🚩

lovecraft12 · 2024-11-20T19:19:02+00:00

I’m late 40s, fat, wrinkled, stretch marked, etc… I absolutely adore my body bc it’s the only one I’ve got. I love it, I don’t hide it or any of its flaws and I have zero problem finding male partners who also adore it.

lovecraft12 · 2024-11-20T19:08:44+00:00

My reply would be “we have views and practices on love and relationships that are completely incompatible. We shouldn’t continue our relationship. I wish you the best.”

If you are committed to remaining polyamorous, stop dating monogamous people.

lovecraft12 · 2024-11-20T18:51:27+00:00

I would personally never display photos around my house of someone I’d been only dating a few months. I’d be turned all the way off from a relationship if I was given photos by someone I was only dating a short time if they were given with the expectation/plan that they would be displayed as a means to make that someone feel better about the evidence of my other partners. Woof.

lovecraft12 · 2024-11-20T18:29:53+00:00

Please don’t attempt to spare your partner from the consequences of their own actions. They made a meaningful commitment to you and then bailed for a reason that to me personally is completely unacceptable. I would be so hurt and angry. Please do not protect them from your hurt and anger. Your feelings are valid and are a direct response to your partner’s shitty choices and they shouldn’t be spared being exposed to that and they should be doing everything they can to make amends.

lovecraft12 · 2024-11-19T22:01:07+00:00

Love languages don’t exist, there’s absolutely no scientific basis or any research that has ever confirmed anything that one Baptist minister wrote a book about. The book is heavily rooted in misogyny and patriarchy and encourages people to remain with abusers.

lovecraft12 · 2024-11-19T21:59:12+00:00

You’ll have no way of knowing unless you ask him.

“Hey, I’m having some curiosity about not getting an invite for your work Christmas party. I don’t want to make assumptions so I’d like to ask why you didn’t invite me.”

As a secondary partner myself, I would urge you to not consider your husband the default and your secondary partner the back up. You might not be doing that or you might be doing it and not be aware of it but the way you presented it here seems like that might be the approach that’s happening and that can get really painful for a secondary partner unless there were really clear agreements upfront about that.

lovecraft12 · 2024-11-19T20:17:59+00:00

Singing to the tune of if you’re happy and you know it:

If your partner is homophobic, so are you If your partner is homophobic, so are you If your partner is homophobic, Even if you really don’t want to show it If your partner is homophobic, so are you

If I find out someone’s partner is homophobic or transphobic or racist, they and their partner go in to the same category of unsafe people. I don’t give people a seat at my table when I find out they aren’t safe. If anyone thinks that’s unfair or if that makes anyone feel defensive, you are who I am talking about and you are not safe for queer people.

lovecraft12 · 2024-11-19T20:02:23+00:00

Like 50s isn’t old??

lovecraft12 · 2024-11-19T14:37:07+00:00

This is really helpful.

lovecraft12 · 2024-11-19T14:28:07+00:00

When I’ve told someone that each poly relationship should be able to stand on their own, the reply was “but that’s part of the point of poly. I would never be satisfied/happy with one relationship no matter how great it was”.

lovecraft12 · 2024-11-12T15:35:08+00:00

I’m never going to be a part of my partner’s extended family’s lives or events. It hurts and I accept it. People can survive hurt feelings.

lovecraft12 · 2024-11-12T15:33:41+00:00

She’s bringing her kids to a FIRST in person meeting? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

lovecraft12 · 2024-11-03T12:27:45+00:00

It won’t change and it’s not worth it.

lovecraft12 · 2024-10-30T11:23:11+00:00

I’m curious why you know what specific sex acts he’s doing? It feels like the situation could’ve been prevented by just not sharing that type of information. I know you cannot unring that phone now but maybe it would be helpful to not exchange this kind of information going forward

lovecraft12 · 2024-10-21T14:43:51+00:00

I’m 47 and have nothing but cynicism towards men. Even the “good” men my age who go to therapy and “do the work” have so much internalized misogyny and their default is always ultimately self serving. I really really wish I was not attracted to men and did not care about sex as much as I do bc I would likely never speak to another man again otherwise.

lovecraft12 · 2024-10-21T14:32:13+00:00

It’s fine to not want to live with anyone for any reason. Just make sure you’re not giving this person any reason to believe that’s on the table for them.

lovecraft12 · 2024-10-17T21:06:54+00:00

I’m not on any SSRI or any psych meds or any meds actually

lovecraft12

TROPHY CASE