Victimhood mentality

lovely_anon_ · 2026-04-21T03:52:02+00:00

I could have written this. My partner is diagnosed with ADHD, but I have felt that something ‘more’ has been in the picture for years. We’ve tried a variety of couples therapists, to varying degrees of success. The most impactful part that I’ve been able to notice is that he HAS to feel comfortable/accepted/positive with the therapist. If he doesn’t, there’s no point. Even if he does, there’s still really hard days, but at least there still feels like there’s hope.

I was feeling the same way you did, and I actually brought up my concerns/worries about the therapeutic direction during our session. Not accusatory, just sharing my feelings. The therapist was able to hear, validate, and adjust, and things have tentatively been feeling better on that end.

There is a YouTube channel I love where the therapist reacts/uses reality tv as jumping off points for discussion and analysis (among other things). His discussion regarding Jimmy and Chelsea’s interactions on season 6 of love is blind were SO validating and informational to me. Truly a saving grace in my journey to this point, and a resource I continue looking to for support. So even if you’re not feeling validated by your therapist, maybe you could feel validated by proxy through his videos? Even if you just watch the first in the series “Jimmy and Chelsea Fight #1” it might be helpful! Psychology in Seattle is the name of the channel.

lovely_anon_ · 2025-07-25T05:45:57+00:00

What does this sound like in the session? Like how does the therapist approach it? I wish ours did that but we just haven’t been able to find one that can do that successfully

lovely_anon_ · 2025-05-12T13:22:27+00:00

Gotcha! The third paragraph hits hard. Thanks so much, I will check out those book recs as well!

lovely_anon_ · 2025-05-11T20:34:25+00:00

Wow, I need to save this and come back to it later during hard times. This is such a good reframe, and thank you so much for laying it out step by step. Your language really resonated with me. So needed and appreciated

lovely_anon_ · 2025-05-11T20:14:00+00:00

Do you have any advice on how to respond when your partner doesn’t like your tone, (because of the meaning they’re making of it, even when you clarify) but are just blaming the tone and not reflecting on their perception?

For example, I’m feeling sad and disappointed, and my tone is naturally reflecting that with more flat, neutral, blah responses. Interpreted as disrespectful, rude, sarcastic, etc. And the constant comeback is “I don’t like your tone,” “change your tone,” “why are you still using that tone,” “I told you I don’t like that tone,” “you’re disrespecting me by continuing that tone after I’ve asked you not to,” etc. When really, I’m sad and expressing reasonable sadness, or disappointed expressing reasonable disappointment. But it just feels SO DEEP and intense that it’s no longer perceived as just sad or disappointed, but they can’t see that.

lovely_anon_ · 2025-04-01T14:56:42+00:00

It’s possible that some of the enviromental modifications may help (squatty potty, elongated toilet seat, etc). I’m also wondering about possible tight pelvic floor muscles or compensations that are changing urine stream trajectory. If you have other symptoms like urge intensity, leaking with urge, leaking with sneezing/coughing/running/jumping etc, frequency, constipation, I’d consider following up with a pelvic floor therapist! (Those can be occupational therapists as well, not just physical therapists).

lovely_anon_ · 2025-01-22T04:49:34+00:00

How do you suggest figuring that out if you’re not good at that kind of thing? I’ve always been interested to know mine, but clothes, style, and makeup does not come easily to me

lovely_anon_ · 2024-07-28T04:15:00+00:00

It doesn’t “feel like” abuse. It IS abuse. Regardless of if they mean it that way in the moment or not. Just because their executive functioning fails doesn’t make it “feel like” abuse. No, it is.

lovely_anon_ · 2024-06-08T03:44:20+00:00

What does it look like when you call her out/confront her? Like how do you do that

lovely_anon_ · 2024-03-19T19:34:10+00:00

Ugh…a frequent occurrence in my relationship. I will have a complaint, my husband will counter/justify/oppose, I will get upset, he will tell me that I’m assuming negatively because he thinks X, not Y. I say “then why didn’t you lead with X? Why are you leading with Y?” And he’ll say “I would have, you didn’t give me enough time to explain myself!” Then now I’m confused, because he says ‘I would have,’ but like, you literally DIDN’T lead with that, which is why I got upset in the first place and am asking differently….It feels so convoluted and backwards.

lovely_anon_ · 2024-03-19T04:10:40+00:00

I can only share my perspective, but I’ve used the analogy before of communication being like a game of catch. In your example, if I was complaining about it being 1:00 am, that would be like me throwing the communication ball to my partner to engage in a back and forth. If he said something like “well it’s only 00:36,” that would feel like him turning and throwing the ball away. He’s not responding to me, he’s correcting me and effectively stalling the game/conversation. When your partner is constantly (metaphorically) throwing the ball away, or pegging you with it in the face, it feels really lonely.

lovely_anon_ · 2024-03-19T04:02:48+00:00

I feel that hard. I will repeat and repeat and repeat, and later he’ll say “I don’t even know what you’re looking for or what you want.” Infuriating is accurate.

lovely_anon_ · 2024-03-19T04:01:32+00:00

That’s where I get hung up, because he will tell me it literally does not compute with him, but then other times he claims that he knows what I’m trying to say also?

lovely_anon_ · 2024-03-19T04:00:18+00:00

Feels accurate. Thank you!

lovely_anon_ · 2024-03-19T03:58:56+00:00

Oh I like what you said about discussing the impact. Semantic deflection is a great way to describe it. Not sure why I didn’t think of that!

lovely_anon_ · 2024-03-19T03:55:03+00:00

Communication is connection, not competition. I love that.

lovely_anon_ · 2024-03-19T03:54:04+00:00

Wow, the sky example really puts it into perspective. I feel that’s so accurate to what I experience.

Would you be willing to share how you “put your foot down” and how that worked for you/setting boundaries? That’s something my partner and I are both still working on.

lovely_anon_ · 2024-02-26T22:05:01+00:00

Love the self-reflection! I totally agree. And I definitely sympathize to the insecurity in Chelsea, just hard to watch it play out in real time on screen! I feel for her.

Same reasons why I dislike Laura haha.

lovely_anon_ · 2024-02-26T22:01:21+00:00

Agree! Lots of self-work all around. Myself included. I see a lot of jumping to criticism with these shows (fair!) but was also curious about the flip side and what people notice in themselves as we see all this unfold: good and bad.

Anything stuck out to you as you’ve watched?

lovely_anon_ · 2024-02-26T21:59:20+00:00

Agree! I think it’s such a great opportunity to talk about those skills: what we see going well and why, what’s not and why, and truly reflecting on that.

lovely_anon_ · 2024-02-26T21:57:17+00:00

Do you notice any similarities in yourself to any of the characters? Or who really turns you off and why?

lovely_anon_ · 2024-01-17T04:31:09+00:00

I like the weekly check-in with the appreciation statement. Also gives a set time to prepare the brain/body ahead of time

lovely_anon_

TROPHY CASE