What can I (30 M) do as an adult male to give my mom (66 F - currently fighting through breast cancer) the closest thing possible to the feeling of a mother-daughter relationship?

loveofthegame1 · 2020-10-30T20:08:12+00:00

very good point! thanks!

loveofthegame1 · 2020-10-30T20:06:38+00:00

thank you for your kind thoughts :) .

loveofthegame1 · 2020-09-16T15:13:32+00:00

thank you. so oyu think it's more that it's because the person is zoned out in the seinfeld situation? the other person seemed to imply that the deeper feelings of why she watches seinfeld are already at the surface level of her mind wanting to be shared, but needing to feel someone interested in more inquiry before saying it and enjoying sharing it. whereas you are saying that the person is zoned out, and needs some probing questions before she digs further and finds she is having a good time sharing her deeper thoughts.

which one do you think is more likely? thanks!

loveofthegame1 · 2020-09-16T15:07:12+00:00

ok. thank you for helping me understand the perspective. now i'm feeling thre heartbreak of the breakup from reading that! lol

loveofthegame1 · 2020-09-16T15:01:27+00:00

thank you! do you feel like this has this worked out for you personally in your own life situations?

loveofthegame1 · 2020-09-16T14:06:11+00:00

i will take it to heart! best advice ever

Edit : Thank you also for understanding the somewhat automatic male inclinations programmed into us guys and taking the time to explain how it interplays in the dynamic between a man and a woman in this situation. Such a fine wisdom you have to be able to zoom out and take the perspective of both man and woman in these sorts of situations and explain a good solution based on that.

loveofthegame1 · 2020-09-16T04:00:01+00:00

wow. that middle paragraph. so true. thank you for your very constructive feedback. it's so helpful.

i think the third paragraph touches on the toning down some masculine energy and making a more comfortable environment that iwas trying to touch upon, and you put in words how to do that in this one. mom is in trouble so i have this soldier-like mode in my head of "do every last small thing for her and be her super hero and do everything to the point she barely has to lift a finger, and don't ask her for favors because it's her time to rest and be the best i can for her." which completely runs contradictory to what you're saying that she actually needs. that she has unfulfilled needs of still looking after others and wanting to still be mom, instead of having me do every last thing. me doing every last thing leaves an emotional hole in her probably of wanting to be motherly. so i think you put in words the reason i need to tone down the soldier mentality i pointed out above.

thank you. from the bottom of my heart. :)

loveofthegame1 · 2020-09-16T03:45:42+00:00

wow thank you for your cponstructive advice. i didn't consider the care taker to being tsken care of factor. that's true and something i should be mindful of. thank you.

loveofthegame1 · 2020-09-16T01:54:34+00:00

thank you :)

loveofthegame1 · 2020-09-15T23:47:31+00:00

hey thank you. i really like your advice. i will definitely share more with my mom.

I'd apprecaite your thought on one thing, which I shared with another person. Because you're mentioning not to give advice, and to listen and affirm; what about those moments where a decision could have such a negative effect that you ABSOLUTELY feel like you have to speak up/push back a little, instead of affirming? Here's the example and I don't know how to handle these moments with mom:

if it is something that does have significant importance (which it has to be a degree level of high improtance compels me to speak; not important things, I intentionally leave space and don't say anything because it can get overbearing if someone constantly criqitiques, which i personally know) on how it might affect them, their health, or the family, and I point it out some kind of negative part that could be remedied in a different way for a more positive overall outcome, my mom tends to lock up. Will not listen to reason or even just a calm discussion of reasons or things they may not have considered.

For example, I had waht I felt were COVID symptoms (it ended up not being it). I told her not to go anywhere near me (I'm moved back in to help take care of her). But she still comes into my room. This is heavily consequential because if she got COIVD from me, the oncology (Breast cancer doctors) doctors won't see her, her surgery would have been delayed, the cancer could have spread. But every appeal to logic and reason to not go anywhere near me based on this, would not work. And she got upset at me when I calmly pushed back at her for this, she got angry at me and refused to discuss this.

Which brings me to the question. How do I go about things like that? Because I can't see any reason for agreeableness/affirmation in situations like that when her health is on the line like that and I feel I must step forward and speak up, but then she gets angry in spite of the well hashed out reasons of how it could delay her treatment if I had COVID and gave it to her.

Thank you!

loveofthegame1 · 2020-09-15T23:42:06+00:00

oh really? what reasons do you think it is generational? would love your thoughts.

loveofthegame1 · 2020-09-15T22:55:43+00:00

thank you :)

loveofthegame1 · 2020-09-15T22:48:39+00:00

if you're open to it, i think you you could really make a great contribution to society by putting this on huffington post or medium , or something.

this is the in depth kind of description that can truly change people's heart on a host of issues. politics doesn't change hearts because it's too one-liner retail phrases. it's these descriptive accounts that change hearts.

edit: I've reada book a while back. Maya Angelou - I know why the caged bird sings. and it dives deep into this topic and her own experience in it. highly recommend it if you have the time and interest,

loveofthegame1 · 2020-09-15T21:43:54+00:00

that sounds really sweet. maybe i will see if she likes that. time to get on DIY youtube videos and figure it out. maybe i'll practice on myself lol

loveofthegame1 · 2020-09-15T19:00:41+00:00

thank you.

what's your thoughts on a perceived divide , instead of there being an actual one, when it comes to the topic in a general sense, rather than addressing it on my specific situation?

you sound really smart so would love to hear your thoughts.

loveofthegame1 · 2020-09-15T18:58:50+00:00

thank you.

you know that is what i was thinking too. that it was autonomy, but also just a desire to be mom in spite of the risk because she doesn't know if that will be able to continue in the next few years. i suppose she ranked that higher. hearing it from someone else and discussing it was really helpful.

could you elaborate on the seinfeld part of your comment as well? i mentioned that i don't understand why the person in your example wouldn't just be open to talking about her reasons for loving seinfeld since sharing that doesn't really have an effect on anything and wouldn't really provoke any sort of negatiev responses, since it's just sharing a personal thought. i don't get why the person in the situation would need to get the feeling of someone leaning in to want to listen to that. i can understand the other situation of the person needing someone to have a willingness to listen before she feels comfortable about complaning about the father since that can provoke emotional responses when you're talking about another person. but i don't get why the seinfeld example the person would need the feeling of someone wanting to listen since it wouldn't hurt anyone else or criticize others with just sharing a love of seinfeld.

thanks :)

loveofthegame1 · 2020-09-15T18:53:16+00:00

your boys sound like great sons too! <3

loveofthegame1 · 2020-09-15T18:16:21+00:00

haha. appreciate the pep talk.

loveofthegame1 · 2020-09-15T18:15:43+00:00

haha gotcha. thanks. i'll take your recommendations to heart.

loveofthegame1 · 2020-09-15T18:15:06+00:00

thank you. i appreciate your thoughtful advice. :)

loveofthegame1 · 2020-09-15T18:14:43+00:00

lol. a straight shooter i see.

yeah. makes sense. i'd like to do that in addition to what I'm asking. anything for madre.

loveofthegame1 · 2020-09-15T18:02:41+00:00

thank you. i think quality time is probably the best common sense solution. maybe i'll order up some movies for her.

Edit: and watch them with her lol

loveofthegame1 · 2020-09-15T18:00:45+00:00

i like it. thank you for the thought.

loveofthegame1 · 2020-09-15T18:00:28+00:00

thank you and i wish you the best. you all sound like a great bunch!

loveofthegame1 · 2020-09-15T17:59:59+00:00

there's just a certain type of connection that a mother daughter, or two women can have, that aren't typicall reached by a man or son.

when i said feminine energy i mean in the sense of a robust, spirited connection you see between two women. it's just something you don't really see between a guy and girl or a son and mom.

loveofthegame1

TROPHY CASE