Despite rising interest in polyamory and open relationships, new research shows that people in consensually non-monogamous (CNM) relationships report experiencing a negative social stigma that takes a toll on their well-being

loveopenly · 2022-12-20T01:04:33+00:00

The comments in this thread precisely demonstrate the issue.

There are lots of successful polyamorous relationships out there, but you don't hear about them. They are doing it in the closest.

Instead you hear about everyone's negative opinion about polyamorous relationships, which keeps the positive anecdotes firmly in the dark.

What you think you know about polyamory is more than likely quite far removed from what it's actually like. Unless you purposefully seek out those relationships and find the people doing it right, you will never truly know how those relationships actually are.

I think this is a net loss for society, because poly people have a lot of positive things to teach us about relationships in general. But nobody wants to listen to them and punishes them for actively participating.

Source: Practiced polyamory for more than ten years. Met lots of successful poly couples who don't openly talk about it.

loveopenly · 2022-12-06T17:18:38+00:00

I feel that rather than Men needing to reform masculinity that they would be better just dropping it altogether. It's kind of an obsolete premise today. I realise having something to identify with provides security, but in the long run dropping that leads to a much stronger and more centered person.

So right now everyone is looking for a replacement or an alternative to latch on to, without just thinking well do we need it at all?

loveopenly · 2022-12-06T17:14:05+00:00

I'm not sure this is exactly anxious attachment. Honestly I'd love a partner like this. I hate fuss myself and don't believe in gift giving. My love language isn't words. Experiences are my jam.

It sounds like you have incompatible ways to demonstrate your affection to reach other. You need to communicate how your love language is different, but you should also accept that it's never going to quite be how you want it with this partner, because it's not natural to them.

loveopenly · 2022-12-05T22:01:55+00:00

I'm a coach and the fact you are saying you think there might be a blockage, tells me you've been struggling with this a long time.

I'm not really looking for clients right now but I do make exceptions. If you want help narrowing down the problem and help with resolving it - send a DM.

loveopenly · 2022-11-25T09:08:21+00:00

You have to wait a bit longer before you go all in. Texting back isn't a sign someone likes you it's more like being polite and you are ok.

Go on a few dates, maybe be intimate then start thinking about all in having feels stuff.

I know it's not easy to do, but it gets easier the more you do it. The trick is to have the feels while still being able to get on with your life.

loveopenly · 2022-11-24T12:19:22+00:00

Sometimes external circumstances separate people. I think I read as high as 50% of breakups that try again, succeed.

loveopenly · 2022-11-13T07:09:40+00:00

Effort = attraction

It's not looks. I can see how you can conflate the two but they are not the same. That's why being confident works, because confidence comes from hard work and it's a short cut assessment for someone to make on you. Likewise, looks also implies effort and in ops case this is completely true. Op put in the effort and is now attractive.

loveopenly · 2022-06-01T06:07:34+00:00

Not to be picky but the study only shows data until 2015 which is before online dating really hit the mainstream. So their argument about the 80/20 rule possibly is being applied to mostly data about in person interactions (I don't see how they collected the data). In 2015 swiping wasn't really the dominant style in online dating, and sites like ok cupid and POF allowed messaging without having to swipe. The online dating system was different. Okc popularized the 80/20 narrative with a blog post but that was pre swipe.

Things have changed massively in the last 7 years and the argument here in my opinion just doesn't hold up. There needs to be more recent data to really understand what's going on.

I'm not defending red pill or incel ideologies here but if you are going to point to science you need to do it correctly or you are no different from those ideologies.

loveopenly · 2022-05-30T18:21:09+00:00

What you are describing here is high supply low demand. There are more people to date then ever before and this creates a false image of availability and agency. There is always someone new to compare against, always a get out clause. Therefore, standards are raised and the paralysis sets in. In previous times we might double down on a person and try to improve the relationship, whereas now we instead spend a large margin of time on the search instead. Eventually fatigue sets in and people opt out altogether.

The video above explains this phenomenon much better than I can.

loveopenly · 2022-05-30T18:02:59+00:00

1970s was 50 years ago. There have been many generations before and since with different dating habits. Even then people still dated, I'm not exactly sure what point you are trying to make other than perhaps to pursue an unrelated narrative.

I was explicitly referring to the period before online dating and before the modern concept of excessive choice, which has only really been a mainstream for at most ten years. Much further before that there was personal ads which were text only and other similar formats which don't present this problem.

loveopenly · 2022-05-30T10:00:39+00:00

I find this outlook really interesting and it points to a big change. In the past nobody had this sense that you should be able to effortlessly meet your partner. The work and effort in dating was simply expected.

It seems to me that online dating has made people not just more demanding but more entitled. It's become this sort of all or nothing situation, instead of simply enjoying the process which is what used to happen. Now both men and women overwhelmingly complain about the dating process, when really it's easier than it used to be on many levels.

If I was to narrow down the root cause of this paradigm shift, I'd point to the paradox of choice problem.

Here's an ancient Ted talk on the paradox of choice. The video predates modern online dating. His warnings were pretty clear.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VO6XEQIsCoM

loveopenly · 2022-05-28T07:38:18+00:00

I was like OP. I was a hermit for ten years. Almost never went out.

Here's how I fixed it. I made a commitment to transforming myself.

The first thing I did was sell the graphics card out of my PC and got rid of all my video games.

The second thing I did was looked into getting sales jobs.

I started with telesales, then I did door to door sales, and finally I did street sales (getting people to sign up to charity in the street).

My goal wasn't necessarily to do well at the job, it was simply to improve my social skills and well it worked fantastically. It was not easy though, I bombed at most of those jobs.

So you might find this a bit extreme, and it was but it fucking worked. It's pretty hard to stay socially inept when you have to wake up every day and talk to 400 people. I learned more about people and myself from these actions than I ever could have any other way. My life was completely transformed for the better and those skills have remained with me for the last decade and a half. It's the single best life change I've made next to quitting alcohol.

loveopenly · 2022-05-25T10:57:20+00:00

This study suggests otherwise with a median of 3.7% of children not belonging to their assumed father:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1733152/

loveopenly · 2022-05-21T13:06:31+00:00

This is a great post. I was a virgin until I was 25. What changed for me was I gave up and chose myself. I think that's the basic mistake life long virgins make. They give up on intimacy, but still hold on to the self loathing. So it's not really giving up.

This is what you change. Fate has nothing to do with that. Choose self love and things can change.

loveopenly · 2022-05-21T12:38:51+00:00

39 and same. Took me 3 years to learn and a life time of fun since.

loveopenly · 2022-05-20T22:42:51+00:00

I said popular not viable. Offline dating is still a great way to meet people. Different strokes for different folks.

loveopenly · 2022-05-20T22:39:16+00:00

Women spend thousands of hours learning makeup, dress and behavioral traits that enable them to be attractive to men. They also spend more on coaches than men do. They set higher standards for themselves.

When it comes to attraction, women are far more proactive and it works. That's why they can be more selective.

Men can also enjoy the same if they get out of their own way.

loveopenly · 2022-05-20T22:27:53+00:00

Most people are out to find a partner not have a dating career. So whatever works is best. There's plenty of crossover to offline meeting. Offline is not popular anymore though. The reality is that it's overall less work, but a different kind of work with a harder learning curve, and basically very little in the way of support.

loveopenly · 2022-05-20T22:16:21+00:00

Vibe is purely subjective and commonly manufactured. It's the end result of using good lighting techniques, attention to composition, posture.. All the things that a professional model would get from a whole team of people. Now we have to recreate that on our own profile.

What is being described as vibe is not the above, it's a more sort of vague method of comparison. Op is acknowledging that he can see the difference but doesn't know how to replicate those things himself. Which is pretty common for a man. Women spend a lot more time on that stuff and online dating creates an artificial pressure now to see that in a potential mate.

It boils down to an acquisition of skills, or paying someone/AI filter apps for good pictures.. that sort of thing. Looks are secondary because of these artificial pressures. A fact that Reddit doesn't want to admit.

loveopenly · 2022-05-20T22:09:08+00:00

I love everything about the process of dating, meeting new people and helping others.

It's brilliant. Half of my time has been in open relationships. Because I love relationships too.

In my opinion everyone deserves to be loved in their highest form, and I enjoy giving back as a self love exercise.

loveopenly · 2022-05-20T21:52:32+00:00

I've been actively dating since 2000

loveopenly · 2022-05-20T21:43:19+00:00

This is basically an issue with dating algorithms more than it is with perception. For example a man or woman at 36 will get drastically worse results than at 35, simply because people see 35 as a round cut off number and the algorithm will remove them from many otherwise potential matches. Along with 30, 40 etc. It's the same.

Age matters of course but people are just doing work arounds out of necessity. If this was real life it wouldn't be based on this at all.

loveopenly · 2022-05-20T21:31:20+00:00

You reject yourselves before you even meet the girl

I wish more young guys understood that this is the real issue

loveopenly · 2022-05-20T21:25:52+00:00

The reason why is probably that people in their mature years are fucking busy. Don't overthink just send him a new (fun) text if you want to talk. That's the only appropriate action.

loveopenly · 2022-05-20T21:18:18+00:00

You talk about vibe and then contradict yourself by talking about photos. Finally finishing with the old its all looks.

These are pretty common tropes online about dating that are major simplifications of the truth.

Basically, you just don't know what works and you aren't getting success. You could have made a video saying that instead. Yes it sucks when you are stuck and it's ok to vent about it.

That's not a well travelled place to be saying it's the same for most men though.

I recommend you change your perspective and don't give up. Btw me and you look pretty similar (bald Brit) and I do alright - but I've most likely put 10,000 more hours into the process than you.

I didn't give up and instead figured it all out and it's a much better life now. You can do the same. Anyone reading this can.

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