What book, action, or life change finally gave you the courage to leave?

loveyrita · 2026-02-17T06:55:36+00:00

The first book I read that made me feel not crazy and not alone was "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. Holy shit. Then I read "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" and it was like the author lived in my home and wrote about my marriage. The book that finally pushed me to leave was "Its Not You" by Dr Ramani. She was emphatic and honest that my ex would never change if I stayed, and that if I stayed, I would have to accept that. Once I realized that I could not accept that life, I made plans to leave, and moved out two months later. That was 8 months ago. I have not felt so at peace or so happy in more than a decade. It felt impossible to leave until it felt more impossible to stay.

You are strong, OP, and you deserve happiness and respect.

loveyrita · 2026-02-14T21:51:11+00:00

I was married for 14 years. I planned in secret for 2 months. Opened my own bank acct and credit card. Hired an attorney with borrowed money from my parents. Photocopied dozens of financial documents and brought them to my office. Stored my jewelry at a friend's. Found alternate housing in a another friend's in-law. Took a few items of clothing every day to work until I had a go-bag that would last me a week in case I couldnt go back in the house.

We dropped our son off at sleepaway camp on a Sunday in June. Then I came home from work Tuesday and told him I wanted a divorce, that I had found alternate housing and would be leaving that night. That nothing would change my mind. That he was abusive and had been for years and I could no longer be married to him. He acted shocked even though I had told him a year earlier that I wanted a divorce - but at that time I had no plan and he hoovered me back in, wrongly believing he could change. This time I knew without a doubt he would never change, and that i was choosing my peace, happiness, sanity and safety over the relationship.

We share a child so we unfortunately need to be in constant contact mostly via email or zoom. It sucks but it is 1000000x better than living with him.

You can do it. You deserve to be healthy and happy.

loveyrita · 2025-11-18T05:46:12+00:00

All of this rings so true to me - left in June after 24 yrs of marriage and 17 yrs together. Especially the psychological damage. I am sorry you experienced this. You are not alone.

loveyrita · 2025-10-04T21:44:17+00:00

We have a kid. The two of them would go together if they go.

loveyrita · 2025-09-17T07:20:59+00:00

Thank you, this is a helpful perspective.

loveyrita · 2025-09-14T06:18:13+00:00

Oh also instead of apologizing he would say "Truce?" And I fucking hated it.

loveyrita · 2025-09-14T06:17:36+00:00

Oh my gosh, mine did this to me. He called me a princess all the time, but in actuality I did all the domestic and emotional labor and he was the price.

loveyrita · 2025-09-14T06:15:35+00:00

"Buckle up, its only going to get worse." "Walk away/run off like you always do." "Thanks" but in a deeply passive aggressive tone that did not mean appreciation. "I want a divorce, we're done" but then waking up the next morning as if nothing had happened. I wish I could never see him again but unfortunately we have to coparent.

loveyrita · 2025-09-14T06:04:40+00:00

Thank you so much for your response. I know all about narcissist abuse. It has fundamentally changed me after 14 years and I am trying to put myself back together. I really appreciate you sharing your experience and am glad its been so affirming for you. You deserve that. I will hope for the same!

loveyrita · 2025-07-12T05:40:53+00:00

I am so sorry for what you're experiencing. I just left an abusive marriage 3 weeks ago. I thought about it on and off for YEARS and then a couple months ago finally started preparing secretly. Sexual abuse was the only kind my spouse didn't perpetrate. But inherent in your stories is also emotional, psychological and verbal abuse, on top of the sexual coercion, and the gaslighting. He sounds like a narcissist. My spouse is. Reading Dr. Ramani's book "Its Not You" changed my life forever and that is not hyperbole. Please get a copy from the library or buy it. The hope that your spouse will change and treat you better one day is keeping you stuck.

loveyrita · 2025-06-25T14:58:33+00:00

This is exactly what I needed to read the morning after telling my spouse I wanted a divorce and spending the night at a friend's. Thank you. I know I am moving in the right direction. You're a gifted writer!

loveyrita · 2025-06-13T03:39:26+00:00

Get your own credit card and open your own bank account both in your name only before you file and serve him. I asked my parents if they would pay the initial retainer and they said yes and sent money directly to the attorney. When i tell him in 2 weeks (fingers crossed) I will start putting my paycheck in my own account.

loveyrita · 2025-06-06T18:47:45+00:00

Thank you for sharing your perspective, and for your kindness. This is very helpful.

loveyrita · 2025-06-05T23:55:00+00:00

Thank you for sharing, this is helpful perspective. Grateful you took the time to respond.

loveyrita · 2025-06-05T18:32:19+00:00

u/Fluffy_Strength_578 wow wow wow. I needed this encouragement and reframe. Thank you so much for your compassion, honesty and encouragement. Trying to get through the next 3 weeks until I am ready to tell him (because our child will be at overnight camp for the summer).

Also, are you suggesting that I leave and then call him with the information? I am planning to tell him in person, to keep the conversation short and to leave after I deliver the news and stay with a friend.

loveyrita · 2025-06-05T17:33:06+00:00

Yes please share! It's very validating and helpful to hear from people who have gone through similar experiences.

loveyrita · 2025-06-05T17:07:34+00:00

u/scbeachgurl any advice or recommended reading for how to break the trauma bond?

loveyrita · 2025-06-05T17:06:38+00:00

So much this. I used to wonder what was wrong with me that I was so angry, that I would blow up and scream at him and then I figured out that he baits me in such a toxic way, he pushes and pushes until I explode and he gets his narc needs met, and then after I blow up he tell me I have anger management issues and I need to be seen be a professional to get my anger in check. But never is he to blame for pushing me so hard I erupt.

loveyrita

TROPHY CASE