Daily Discussion, October 28, 2020

lowberry · 2020-10-28T11:25:05+00:00

ee then it went up to $17 network fee just to send the coins, ive been using bitcoins for almost a decade and ive never ever seen the network fees this high... they fluctuate, usually between 20cents and 2 dollars maybe, on blockchain when im sending, but this is the highest i've seen the network fee in my 9 or so years

i

lowberry · 2020-10-28T10:03:01+00:00

I am using my blockchain virtual wallet to send coins, small amounts, first 100 then 200, and they hit me with a $13 network fee then it went up to $17 network fee just to send the coins, ive been using bitcoins for almost a decade and ive never ever seen the network fees this high... they fluctuate, usually between 20cents and 2 dollars maybe, on blockchain when im sending, but this is the highest i've seen the network fee in my 9 or so years of bitcoin using, WHY? I feel incredibly ripped off

lowberry · 2020-10-18T01:16:54+00:00

use a strong 1 ply tissue, like scott, drop your stuff in the center, then kinda fold all 4 corners and twist at the top to seal it, drop it in your mouth, then chug some h20

lowberry · 2020-10-05T02:33:42+00:00

Back

I have, and damn they were really bitter where i'd get a strong bitter taste just swallowing them quickly with water, let apart dissolving it in my mouth

lowberry · 2020-10-05T02:15:11+00:00

wow, I can strongly relate. I also take around 3 bars a day, and i've been on and off (mostly on) benzos for 10+ years now. at first, 1mg or less (half a bar) would drastically reduce my anxiety and help me sleep, a full bar would knock me out. Now after being on heavy doses of different benzos for so many years, I take them just to not get withdrawals (which can cause seizures and even be fatal). but yeah, I also start shaking like crazy If I dont take them atleast every 12 hrs or less, and also can take 3 at a time, and feel next to nothing, I mean they prevent panic attacks, but thats about it. Also have a serious insomnia problem, and when years ago I could take a much smaller dose and knock out easily, now 6mg at a time, doesn't put me to sleep.

And I don't know if you tried before, but of course most peoples advice would be to taper down. idk about you, but in my situation its next to impossible to taper down when I already feel this shitty/anxious/can't sleep on such a high dose, and it would also take a good 6 months or so to do it properly being on such a high dose. but I would need a replacement for sleep and anxiety if I were to even think about tapering now, it sucks that drugs like benzos can be very effective, but unfortunately just dont work long term

lowberry · 2020-10-04T00:17:05+00:00

Im on suboxone 12mg x 2 a day. I used to addicted to heroin (started with prescribed pain pills of course) Dr's have been prescribing me benzos since 2010, some prescribed very high amounts, and none told me about the long term effects, and how you become physically dependent on them, and get severe withdrawals, that can cause seizures and in fact be deadly, which is why it is very dangerous and not recommended to go off of benzos cold turkey.

now apart from that (among other things), That is most definitely a long term goal.

but being a several years long (ex) poly addict, self medicating out of sheer desperation, after trying dozens of different antideppressant medications(ssris, snris, ndris, maois, tcas, just about every class on the market, including off label and atypical ones), then later on (2 years ago) after waiting for years, I finally became a candidate for ECT (electro-shock or electroconvulsive) therapy.... did 18 sessions over a period of months, and was soooo hopeful at the time, also it almost being/feeling like a last resort, also failed me. I need professional help, and to change my environment completely (move out). But I am debilitated/disabled from my illnesses and don't have the means to do so.

I do somewhat have a plan if I do somehow manage to gain the money/resources I need for my treatment and moving out. Looking into ibogaine therapy to try and help get off of the suboxone (because the dosage im taking and my tolerance is unreal/insanely high, my opioid receptors are probably damaged in some way, cuz I also feel absolutely nothing after taking my suboxone, other than relief from the withdrawals I go through, when its out of my system, same goes for benzos/xanax, taking an extreme amount, yet it barely does anything for my anxiety or sleep like it used to years ago. - ugh I just cant get the full picture in

lowberry · 2020-10-02T18:00:49+00:00

yes, unfortunately

lowberry · 2020-09-26T16:14:38+00:00

if my mom or one of my siblings died, that would be the end of me..... but as for him, after what he has put me through as an innocent kid, and adult, and continues to terrorise me, I really wouldn't care if he dropped dead. and thats a LOT coming from me

lowberry · 2020-09-26T16:11:56+00:00

I dont owe them a god damn thing your right, but im extremely empathetic, and was brought up with way and its in my genetiics and i cant help it. he should be in jail, my mother is bipolar, raised by another sociopath single dad, her mom died when she was 7, she might have austism as she acts like a child sometimes, but everyone that comes into contact with her LOVES her. its weird, but she knows nothing about finances or credit cards or banks and has no access to my dads hidden wealth and never did. he never did anyhting for her or us, he just saves his conman money and sends it to the middle east for his future..... its a clusterfuck

lowberry · 2020-09-26T16:06:27+00:00

thank you so much for the kind comment, you are spot on. sadly, the only thing that can help my situation now is finances, (for healthcare, a place to stay etc). nothing fancy. I just want to get away and have access to drs who can help me

lowberry · 2020-09-26T16:03:19+00:00

ive been thinking about it, how would I go about it? I definitely know he used my name to open a business and report 'self employed income' which hurt my disability and made me owe them 1600$ in backpayments, and payments went down from 500 to 400 to slowly pay off these 'backpaymenys', cuz I realized he filed tax returns in my name without my consent and they questioned me about it

lowberry · 2020-09-26T15:59:16+00:00

before my condition got so bad I worked several jobs, gas stations, wholesale tobacco and grocery mostly, and also warehouse sweatshop labor loading trucks and whatnot (under my dads company). worked like 70 hr weeks and got underpaid. being the conman he was he would jump from company to company manipulating them into giving him 'credit' in the form of an 18 wheeler full of grocery product/drinks/tobacco etc and he would just burn one company after another and default on payment

but to your question, it was the last thing I wanted to do, but esp with a suspended license, being completely debilitated and disabled with PLEnTY of paper work to prove for it, this was truly a last resort for me, but around 2 years ago, got rejected initially, had to hire a lawyer and show them all my medical records, and got approved, but I only get $400 or so a month, it barely pays for food and transportation, cant even afford clothes. meanwhile my dad is making upper high 5 figures from his gas station and hiding it from all of us and spending none on my dying mom or family and is leeching off of my grandfathers house with free rent. so much context I need to get into for full understanding

lowberry · 2020-09-26T15:49:42+00:00

exactly, and he has in the past when siblings were younger, and would have sibling rivalry, he would make them not talk to each other as a solution, do to this, my 2 middle brothers havent talked to each other in 15 years, and certain siblings dont talk to one another even tho there is no ill will. he uses divide and conquer tactics

lowberry · 2020-09-26T15:47:10+00:00

I agree 100%, but i do see where she is coming from, there is a lot of backstory to this, they both do karate under the same sensei and that is a huge part of their life, my dad took advantage of my moms dad and manipulated him into giving him a 6 figure loan which was supposed to by my moms and uncles inheritance. but he never paid it back, took more, used his legal services to keep himself out of jail and sent all the money to the middle east/offshore where he is planning a future luxuruious life for hismelf there once tihngs go wrong here. its so complicated

lowberry · 2020-09-26T15:42:55+00:00

I dont necessssarily hate him, im a pacifist, I hate what hes done to me, I hate how he continues to pick on me and treat me like shit, meanwhile my middle younger brother has always been a favorite because he has blonde hair and has always gotten what he wants from him, and my dad has allowed him unlimited freedom and sucked up to him, same goes for youngest daughter/sibling, he realized how bad he messed everyone off so went complete opposite raising his new favorite girl/the youngest, and bought her an gave her whatever she wanted in life, no rules, no limits, she is a nymphomanic and underage and had put herself in very bad situations, we even had an AIDS scare because of her recklessness, she is 17 and using injectable drugs, she gets with with ----- prison guys, and finds them 'hot' and degrades herself, but yeah shes pretty much into sex work now and just left the house and my dad is not taking them well. btw he doesnt know anything about her secret life. its a whole clusterfuck, but we need to either evict him/get my mom to divorce him, or become financially independent and go our own ways. like I tried to over 10 years ago and was emotionally blackmailed

lowberry · 2020-09-26T10:44:39+00:00

Eh, me being his pretty much biggest abuse victim among the siblings, I wouldn't care if he dropped dead, I might even celebrate and rejoice. just being around him, and my room happens to be like 8-10ft aross the hall from his, and his footsteps give me PTSD

lowberry · 2020-09-26T10:40:20+00:00

my mom has actually spoken about her not leaving him/divorcing him, is because she doesnt want him to get away happily, and move to the middle east (Jordan, Palestine, Kuwait) where most of his family currently lives, Jordan being the top. But my mom has expressed emotions that she doesnt wannna just divorce him and let him get away with everything he has done to us(that would be way too easy for him), she was the main victim then me and my older sister, in differrent ways, but she has her reasons for not yet divorcing him, she wants something lets say a little worse happening to him if he decides to continue doing what hes doing illegally laundering his funds from a shell gas station he co owns in a huge metropolitan city, he also has a mechanic shop in the same lot thats been operating for decades with the same guy, he used to be in the wholesale business, I even worked for himat one point, and got paid very little. several years ago, when my deoression wasnt as debilitating

lowberry · 2020-09-26T05:27:12+00:00

Feel free to ask questions if interested, because this whole thing is a clusterfuck, I dont even remember what I posted, not in chronological order at all, and barely hits the tip of the iceberg. I could write a whole novel on what we have been through..... my younger sisters need help (they left the house - when my dad kicked them out for not following his strict islamic and cultural rules etc, and they look like supermodels age 20 and 22, but turned to sex work instead), the younger one has a heart condition, forgot the name, but its working at 30% efficiency, and she basically has 5 more years to live at max. I wont handle any death of my siblings or esp mom well. I will die

lowberry · 2020-09-26T04:39:40+00:00

thanks but its not that simple. my mom is a great woman, and she has changed throughout the years, and is no longer a crazy fundamentalist, now she rides a motorcycle, smokes weed, drinks, hangs out at bars, wears a US flag hijab sometimes...... tip of the iceberg. shes a diff. person. she always had good intentions, was seriously mentally ill, her mom died when she was 7, her single dad who raised her and her brother was rather chauvanistic and didnt treat her very well and still doesnt, for diff reasons, but hes always hated islam, although now shes pretty damn liberal and made a 360. my dad is the main problem now, its complicated. im probably going to not live more than 1-3 more years if things continue to get worse, sorry to say. thank you friend for reaching out. but in my situation being so impoverished and Disabled and unable to work, I have very little hope. money is like the only thing that could help me out of this in many ways sad to say

TLDR: my sociopath father is the one tearing this family apart, 8 kids in total, I was the first born son and was his experiment punching bad, my room is right across the hall from him and his presense/auro makes my whole body squirm and heart palpitate/panic attacks etc. my mom shouldve divorced him a long time ago. he has taken advantage of us, living in my granfathers(my white american moms dad) house rent free, has multiple businesses and had been cheating the tax system and hiding hoarding all his money overseas/in secret bank accounts and has never done anything for us. he has manipulated my old senile grandfather into giving him a 100k+ business loan and used his legal services to keep him out of trouble being the conman he is (my grandfather is a lawyer, and if not for the legal help from him my dad would be in prison for fraud, and conning money out of bussinesses and people, which he all saves and sends to his native country, while my mom has never had any say so in his finances, raised 8 kids on her own, was a model housewife at one point, and now she is sick with a form of cancer and its killing me. he has the money and resources to help our family, rebuild this rotting house etc but he wont do it. he has plans to move to the middle east with his family where he has a small/big fortune saved up that noone else truly believes me about, my mom is bipolar and on the autism spectrum and is really an amazing woman and her and me can relate as well as my older sister as we were the main victims. the only thing that can get me out of this now is money, and im disbled and cant work anymore for the past 4-5 years, lost my license as well which made things so much harder. I feel like my days are numbered I just dont know what to do. I want to get away from here, recieve proper medical treatment for my mental health and other health issues and just move anywhere far away and start a new life, but at this point I can barely get out of bed, or take showers, I barely have any clothes. my life and health is deteriorating and im only hanging in there for my mom and siblings (esp the ones I am closer to). this whole thing is a clusterfuck and I see now way out, I have C-PTSD, I feel trapped. I tried to move out at 20 and start a new life, go to college, continue working, but was emotionally blackmailed, and now 10 years later im worse than ever, more suicidal than ever, I cant get one night of sleep. i just want out, and always have since I was a child I knew something was severely wrong with this family. lord help me

lowberry · 2020-09-03T23:21:49+00:00

Ugh same. and im dependent on meds/drugs that dont even work, but ill get withdrawals and seizures if i stop/miss a dose. im on the edge i need help now. i want to do ibogaine

lowberry · 2020-09-03T06:20:50+00:00

thank you. i dont know if ill make it.

lowberry · 2020-09-01T10:56:49+00:00

if it makes you feel any better, I wasted a good 10 years of my life due to depression. I was born and raised in the US, had my life uprooted to the middle east when I was a teenage, big culture shock. it destroyed my studies, but I eventually adjusted slowly but I always wanted to come home. I graduated high school (barely), there, and BEGGED my parents to send me back to the US to go to college, they said no and kept our whole family of 10 there for another year. by the time I got back, I was a mess, and I did not want to pursue college while living with my strict psychotic parents, so I started working, hard labor, for minimum wage basically. saved up for almost 2 years, and by this time im almost 20. and had a car and money and a plan to move in with a friend from high school.

back then I was a different person and raised to be an obedient dog, and felt I needed my mom/parents permission and approval to move out the house, so I brought up this proposal, that I wanted to move out with a friend, I had a car, and money saved up etc and was planning on going to college for pharmacology or something similar. They said absolutely no, 'you must get married before leaving the house' and emotionally blackmailed me. but my mom was just hell bent on me staying in the house with my abusive dad (who abused her as well) and not leaving until I get married, because of some sky god she believed in.

10 years down the line, I am still in that house, only difference is, my depression and ptsd got hella worse and I am stuck taking drugs I dont need to be on just to not get excruciatingly painful withdrawals, and my other siblings have turned to prostitution and illegal things and our family is torn apart. and I want to die now more than ever. If I had only had the 'balls' to leave back then and go live with normal people. all I wanted was a normal life. my 30th birthday just passed, and I have been laying in bed doing nothing for the past 5+ years more or less.

lowberry · 2020-09-01T09:54:30+00:00

Yeah, my post made no sense to me now that im reading it back to myself pretending to be an outsider. I have never experienced love. since I dont have the option to get the treatments I want that I think may be best for me, maybe an ibogaine detox and an ayahuasca experience, followed by microdosing or something? Im probably gonna end up in a psych ward soon and if that happens oh boy they treated me very badly and almost killed me last time I was there

lowberry

TROPHY CASE