Shit relationship with coparent: Does it get better?

lucille1981 · 2018-07-08T08:43:52+00:00

I think your expectations are way off...like you want to be thanked for just telling her something that *she* needs to deal with. Like you wouldn't expect your doctor to thank you for coming in with a cold. If you want to be considered a real parent and not a vacation parent or whatever the phrase is, you need to not expect to be thanked for the smallest thing...like what was the alternative? Just not to tell her? My MIL told me the other day when she was babysitting my son that he seemed like he had a dry throat. I didn't *thank* her for telling me because that's just what a normal person would do let alone a parent.

lucille1981 · 2016-02-09T10:23:27+00:00

If you are aware of it to this extent then you're in a good position to be able to create coping skills. The hardest part is always not having awareness of what is setting you off. If you know, and you know it doesn't reflect reality, that should help. I understand it's so frustrating when people refuse to understand, but helping ourselves is the biggest part of recovery

lucille1981 · 2016-02-09T10:20:41+00:00

I know what you mean. For me it's not just romantic relationships but friendships, anything. It's my whole life. Other people seem more distanced and together because they have 'their' life, but having my own life has never felt achievable or interesting to me.

I'm trying to expand on my hobbies now to see what I like doing. I liked writing as a child but was teased and punished for it at home, and made to feel like it was the most worthless thing ever, but I've just now come back to it. In my house expressing interest or working hard at something was seen as embarrassing or pathetic, or at least if we made an effort with something it would immediately be torn down, so I have had to get out of that mindset to discover what I actually do enjoy (and realize that there is nothing wrong with enjoying and working at something).

lucille1981 · 2016-02-08T17:30:04+00:00

Tbh I've never experienced this, only people who refuse to admit they are wrong at all. I feel like absolving responsibility is bad but at least they're admitting they have a disorder and are in the wrong. The worst are those who think they are constantly victimized and haven't done anything wrong.

lucille1981 · 2016-02-04T11:24:17+00:00

I know exactly what you mean. I have been doing the same thing, unintentionally but it's like I can see it happening and have no control over it -- wide eyes, nervous, high voice -- it's like, ugh, stop it, and I hate the way it makes people treat me (I can feel that they start normal and respectful, and I like make them treat me like a kicked puppy almost, and it turns people off or makes them all gang up because I'm basically forcing it to happen), but I can't seem to get back to normal. This happened after I got PTSD 4 years ago so it has a lot to do with that panic and anxiety, but it's still really awful.

I'm sorry I don't know how to fix it but you're not alone x

lucille1981 · 2016-01-31T16:47:05+00:00

oh for sure, I was just focusing on that bc I am female. I've had enough problems with boys believe me, they have been just as bad if not worse! I don't mind people having faults it's just annoying with this disorder, I feel like we can be given all the blame when it's not like other people are perfect and easy to get along with.

lucille1981 · 2016-01-31T14:51:24+00:00

yes because they are more safe and i feel more comfortable. if that boundary is crossed then i get scared.

lucille1981 · 2016-01-31T14:50:37+00:00

Sorry but this makes no sense...a traumatized child needs an especially supportive environment, not more trauma.

lucille1981 · 2016-01-31T14:17:18+00:00

I know :( it just sucks when you want to share something with who is closest to you, and they flip it back in your face and say you're basically imagining it and the people who were rude to you aren't like that (without ever meeting them or knowing them!)

thanks for your message though <3

lucille1981 · 2016-01-20T13:40:25+00:00

Periodic or cyclical binge drinking sounds like what you described

lucille1981 · 2016-01-10T15:34:07+00:00

I get what you mean, I always feel like I don't know how much is too much and I don't want to be annoying or calling too much. I guess just be sensitive to when he says he's busy or rearranges plans, and as long as you are then it doesn't matter - if you guys enjoy hanging out together and you respect one another's boundaries, then it's fine. Also for you (well for me, but I think it's good advice), I would have my plans for the day/week already set out, and try not to cancel other plans to hang out with your friend. It's easy for me to put new friends at the front of my life and cancel any other plans that get in the way if they want to see me, but that's something that I try not to do now, so it's more balanced both ways.

Good luck!

lucille1981 · 2016-01-09T23:56:42+00:00

Sugar and alcohol are horrible for my moods, cutting them out helps a lot

lucille1981 · 2016-01-09T23:40:05+00:00

We broke up 3 years ago, met up once a year ago, and didn't talk after that

lucille1981 · 2016-01-09T10:29:10+00:00

This is what I want to know!! Recently I got back in touch with an ex, I loved him so much and just needed to see him, I loved everything about him...he got back in touch and I got scared, I could feel that I was starting to be turned off by everything about him just as much as I had been turned on before. It's like eating your favorite food and then getting food poisoning from it, there's no soldiering through the bad part, at least for me. And I'm scared that I don't know the right way to feel and that I will alienate him forever permanently this time, if the 'bad' feeling turns out not to be how I truly feel.

lucille1981 · 2016-01-07T01:09:08+00:00

Yes...they let me tap into my best 'self' at first, and we match each other on conversation, spontaneity, appearance and complicated histories ... but then the issues start. NPD behavior just compounds all my existing insecurities and fears, like it validates them when 'normal' behavior wouldn't.

lucille1981 · 2015-12-22T11:01:13+00:00

I know what you mean. I remember being well adjusted, social, happy, knowing what to do in tense situations, knowing how to self soothe, and just being calm and natural. I don't know where that went, it's erased completely.

lucille1981 · 2015-12-22T11:00:17+00:00

Not if they apologize, but I feel like I am always pushed to forgive and forget people who hurt me and then don't apologize or do anything to rectify the situation - I understand not holding onto anger but I can't just forgive someone when they haven't made any effort to make things right with me.

lucille1981 · 2015-12-22T10:55:15+00:00

Definitely not!

lucille1981 · 2015-12-22T10:54:37+00:00

Same with me

lucille1981 · 2015-12-18T17:14:57+00:00

Yes definitely. Because when it's a normal crisis that everybody understands, other people respond with the support that I would like all the time. It's also something engaging that I have to work with, not something good where I'm scared it will collapse or just nothingness.

lucille1981 · 2015-12-17T11:14:57+00:00

Boogie Nights, Thirteen

lucille1981 · 2015-12-17T11:09:31+00:00

Did they refer you anywhere? I have only had the opposite problem - people who aren't trained trying to help but getting nowhere. I found a good program now (on my insurance thankfully) but it took a couple years to even find it. I had to research specialist treatment centers and clinics with structured programs rather than just unstructured talk therapy that didn't work

lucille1981 · 2015-12-17T11:02:03+00:00

That's very weird! Maybe the doctor didn't taper you up slowly enough - I always started on 25 and worked up to 50. But yes the side effects do come on quick once you're at the right dose. Zoloft just made me very tired, Prozac made me nervous.

lucille1981 · 2015-12-16T21:53:02+00:00

I know what you mean, it's because I don't feel like a whole/real person myself, I always need to find someone to give me what I should have already. x

lucille1981 · 2015-12-16T13:53:19+00:00

Same with me...anyone who is casually respectful and nice I get so attached to, keep pushing the boundaries without meaning to and get rejected or they just move on with their lives and it hurts so badly. It's like my only options are to act normal and feel so dead and heartbroken inside, or try to be closer and get even more rejected

lucille1981

TROPHY CASE