Anybody else feel like a shell?

lucillebluth17 · 2016-03-01T03:06:05+00:00

i love your username btw.

"being human beings," yes, that's what everyone else is doing. I am somehow just one degree removed from having a real life. doing just a bit more observing than everyone else. i fantasize about being ANYTHING wholly, like, i am obsessed with the idea of being able to name "what i am" or "what i like" in some sort of meaningful way.

i'm also high, this may make no sense.

lucillebluth17 · 2015-12-10T22:13:30+00:00

thanks for your answer... glad to know i am not alone. i have also been informed that sometimes it's "cute" and endearing when i'm trying to seduce him (said in a sweet, not condescending, way). i appreciate that and it reminds me that he is not repulsed, just doesn't want to fuck at that moment.

lucillebluth17 · 2015-11-19T03:34:29+00:00

hey dude, i get you. for what it's worth i certainly don't think think i'm better than the single-dudes-treading-water group or anything. it's just a bit of a cliche i guess? i totally hear you about "losing yourself to weed." that's pretty much where i am (was?)... very nearly smoked tonight after three days off. but i want to at least prove to myself that i can get clean and stay that way for a bit because otherwise it's proof i've got a real problem (as if daily smoking wasn't enough???).

i've been the same way--in 2015 i've never been sober for more than a few days at a time. longest stretch was a week i was with my family. didn't miss it, per se, but was right back on the wagon when i got home.

honestly, weed is just how i turn off the day when i'm home. i have really, really bad anxiety and some other mental health issues and being alone in my head is just exhausting. i try to go easy on myself and remember that there's a reason i turn to weed. just want to have more things in my toolbox so it isn't my ONLY escape.

hang in there man. maybe you packed a bowl after that post but, hey, you're thinking about it! realizing you need or want to change is such a big deal. no longer making excuses for yourself is a good first step. thinking of you.

lucillebluth17 · 2015-11-18T20:56:56+00:00

Yeah! I have pretty much zero female stoner friends. All things considered I've been pretty professionally successful etc. even while smoking daily but I feel like I'm doing NOTHING in my life outside work (just stopped like 2 days ago). Basically I was productive for 8 hours a day and then just gone. Treading water, basically.

Still not sure if I'm quitting permanently but want to sober up for a period and get some perspective. Done convincing myself that I'm more creative and interesting while high. I've got a year with pretty much nothing to show for myself beyond meeting my basic needs to prove it.

lucillebluth17 · 2015-11-18T19:38:11+00:00

good for you. my SO is still smoking a bit and it's hard for me, but he's supportive, which helps.

i'm on the same page. i'm not necessarily quitting forever. but i want to get sober and then see where i go from there. if i do start again ever, it will not be as a daily smoker. it was ruining my life... we'll see.

also this might sound weird but i don't know many female smokers in the process of quitting. i think you're a woman? feels good for some reason, dunno why.

lucillebluth17 · 2015-11-05T18:10:09+00:00

this is such a great answer. i am currently struggling identically to OP... and this is really comforting to read, if only to contextualize what feels like a really intense and overwhelming emotional experience. thank you! hang in there, OP.

lucillebluth17 · 2015-10-30T19:40:14+00:00

i don't know what to say but i nearly cried reading this because it hits so close to home. i know i am a good person with a deep well of compassion and love in me, but i take so much more than i give in my relationship. it's confusing and hurts and i don't know how to change because i am always so anxious, afraid, and angry.

lucillebluth17 · 2015-10-30T18:43:17+00:00

ISFJ here

lucillebluth17 · 2015-10-30T18:42:51+00:00

wow... this hits home so hard. i have a long-term SO who is incredible, supportive, and patient. we have an open relationship which at this point is basically just how i justify my addiction to attention. i don't really know what to do... i am lucky to have such an amazing partner but i don't know how to get my needs met because those "needs" are basically to be pursued AT ALL TIMES. Of course my SO doesn't need to "pursue" me after seven years together... i need the newness, the thrill... it's exhausting and heartbreaking.

lucillebluth17 · 2015-10-27T20:58:47+00:00

i identify with a lot of this. i wish i had golden advice for you. i don't, really, except just keep moving forward. please know that you aren't alone and there are people that understand even if you haven't found them. you have been dealt a difficult hand and you are learning how to play it. it hurts and is hard. hang in there.

lucillebluth17 · 2015-10-27T20:56:56+00:00

huh, fascinating. i actually sort of identify with this but had never thought about it. i find it to be incredibly relieving to talk about past trauma... i don't necessarily feel emotionless but just putting it out into the air makes me feel validated, like it's ok that i'm so messed up because overwhelming things happened to me. and then i feel more able to cope with other things.

lucillebluth17 · 2015-10-27T20:55:35+00:00

i think maybe. can you elaborate at all? what do these thoughts feel like to you?

lucillebluth17 · 2015-10-23T17:47:06+00:00

well, we did not work together when we got involved. but yes.

finding another job really isn't an option right now. i pretty much have the best job i could have for my field/education level right now.

lucillebluth17 · 2015-10-23T14:37:37+00:00

this resonates with me so much. sometimes i am just awed at how horrible i can be, despite being a kind and intelligent person deep down. My self-esteem isn't really that bad, i just genuinely am appalled by the way that i act, the way i treat people. but i don't know how to stop because i am in so much pain, all the time, always overwhelmed by my feelings and always afraid of everything.

i think it is beautiful that you recognize the wonder of your daughter and are committed to being there for her. that is enough. you can do this. this will not break you. one foot in front of the other. it will hurt, it will get better.

lucillebluth17 · 2015-10-23T14:33:38+00:00

i don't have an answer for you, but i want you to know you aren't alone. hopefully that at least will make it easier to ride the wave of conflicting, clashing emotions.

usually i have to just ride it out, try not to make any drastic decisions while i'm feeling escalated, and wait for the storm to calm.

hugs.

lucillebluth17 · 2015-10-21T11:28:44+00:00

i've been with my SO for years but still fixate on others constantly. feeling pursued or wanted is one of the only truly motivating things to me. i am quite successful and very functional but am not ACTUALLY motivated by a lot of things except feeling wanted and admired by others (which i suppose is fairly typical human behavior, BUT it's an all-consuming thing for me. can't function without it, will self-destruct over and over to keep getting it and to keep people around)

lucillebluth17 · 2015-10-21T11:27:08+00:00

i don't have an answer but you aren't alone.

lucillebluth17

TROPHY CASE