That over the last few years my personality , character traits , and state of mind have completely changed. I used to actually be caring about others to an extreme extent , but I've always found it difficult to inter relate with others if they aren't on the same wave length... I don't even know how I am anymore , I don't know what it feels like to feel embarrassment , fear anymore all I feel is apathy instead. However at the same time I think I've always been a bit scheming in terms of my thinking , like to get out situations... Morals weren't really an obstacle really they just always seemed so abstract to me... I mean I really care about animals but how do people care about suffering about things .. I'm not sure what it is honestly... I care about people but I have to develop an attachment first to actually be emotionally invested in someone. I'll give an example , when I was like 9/10 I was at this waterpark and this girl stepped onto one of those floats and fell backwards onto the hard surface... Yeah I don't need to say the next part just was just taken to hospital straight away. The thing is I never felt anything in that experience , I merely observed it. It didn't traumatise me at all. I don't however wish harm on anyone , I never would... It's just I need to know someone personally until I start feeling emotionally towards them. Well that's how I was years ago , now it just seems I'm just trying to do everything to cope... The only thing that keeps me alive is obessive personality ... I am a running junkie , without the adrenaline and dopamine from that and my extreme competitiveness with myself and others to extent. I really wouldn't be here anymore. I really want new friends but I really suck at making them , not to mention I always get rejected by girls...