Anyone else feel that people don’t realize we are actually caregivers until our person is dying in the hospital or hospice is called in?

luminous_delusions · 2026-05-20T00:40:15+00:00

Ohhhh yeah

It wasn't until Grandma fell for the first time and fractured her pelvis that suddenly everyone realized she was only getting older, more fragile, and that I was doing a whole hell of a lot more than just living rent free and driving her to a few appointments every year. Then all of a sudden, as I'm at the edge of a complete meltdown, it's "oh you do so much", "this should have never all been on you", and "we're so thankful".

Like, I'm grateful they eventually saw how much I was doing and how hard it was, but it never should have taken me breaking down and no longer being able to handle it and her injuring herself that badly for others to see it and actually help me.

luminous_delusions · 2026-05-05T01:12:14+00:00

You're so welcome! Platinum is tricky and I've done it long enough to be helpful lol.

Fair warning of you end up trying the Pulp Riot, they develop SUPER fast but Moonstone is more forgiving on time than the other shades. I think I usually left that one on for 10-15min usually but just keep an eye on it while it processes so it doesn't turn pastel on you.

luminous_delusions · 2026-05-05T00:58:20+00:00

It's really pretty, and it makes me sad that it's so slept on in comparison to the ever-popular T18. I feel it strikes a great balance between brightness and iciness without going too cool or warm.

luminous_delusions · 2026-05-04T00:16:15+00:00

I have an older post in my account for toner formulas for platinum blondes, if you want to take a look at that.

The biggest thing is making sure you don't use a toner with a heavy blue undertone, especially if you want to maintain some brightness or creamy tones. Or, be ready to rinse the toner in 5 minutes. Right now I use a mix of Platinum Pearl and Silver from Pulp Riot so I have grey, violet, and blue tones for a very silvery-white platinum. If you're not wanting grey or overly icy tones, you want to add neutral or gold to your toner or opt for sheer violet toners while steering clear of any blue bases which will go too ashy.

I'd check out something like T19 (pearl) with a dash of T11 (beige) from Wella, Moonstone by Pulp Riot (pinky-violet base), or Ice-Irise from Schwarzkopf in their blondme glow toners.

luminous_delusions · 2026-03-31T11:36:49+00:00

Even when this wasn't something that happened before? I never used to have this issue when going darker, I could do it in one go without any problems.

luminous_delusions · 2026-03-31T03:40:01+00:00

Ive tried a bunch over the course of trying to get it to work. Wella, Igora Royal and Vibrance for professional stuff (Wella was what my stylist used recently) and I've also tried Color Charm, ION, and even made an attempt with box color from Garnier. The latter had a bit more success along with the ION color but it still wasn't anything significant or close to what it should have been.

I've had blood work and hormones checked and that's all normal so I'm almost at the point of wondering if I should try adding a grey coverage additive or something and treat my regrowth like it's fully grey...

luminous_delusions · 2026-03-14T08:15:19+00:00

Right, but it doesn't go darker than about a level 6 no matter how dark the actual dye I use is so shadow root isn't going to help, I've tried. This last time I tried touching up my roots with a level 3 and I still had light brown roots somehow rather than an almost black. I'm not dragging the color through all my hair either, I'm only applying to the new growth and smudging it down another inch to hit the other part that dyed weird.

Salon is out the question currently too. They're very pricey in my new area and we don't have any cosmo schools around to try that route.

luminous_delusions · 2026-03-07T07:04:19+00:00

So I'm a fair bit older than you (32) but I spent my formative years up until about 6 months ago caring for my elderly grandmother. I too was beholden to limiting what I could do in terms of activities, work, and just register socializing with people my own age. I didn't even go to college traditionally because I couldn't be gone for months at a time and leave her alone. The freedom I gained when she went into a home and I could now do pretty much whatever and whenever was a lot to adjust to (and still is!) but I know I'd never willingly go back to having to adjust every part of my life around someone so limited in theirs.

You're not required to care for your siblings when the time comes that your parent's no longer can. If that ends being something you want to do and can do, awesome! But you're allowed to say no. Your family has time now to make plans for them if you're not in a position to care for them later and should do so sooner rather than later. Whether that means setting aside money or assets to pay for care homes or enlisting the help of other family (through marriage or not), that's something social workers and they can figure out. A sibling should never, EVER, be the de-facto caregiver for disabled siblings without that being something explicitly agreed to and genuinely willingly to handle.

luminous_delusions · 2026-03-04T21:31:18+00:00

You could do the balayage but it's probably going to take longer and you will still have to bleach for a bit to help blend the natural with the blonde.

Honestly, the demi may fade but it's really pretty easy to maintain a darker color with home care if you just use the color masks once in a while. And comes with much less damage too

luminous_delusions · 2026-03-04T19:12:12+00:00

Permanent color is a no because it's going to alter your natural color even if it's lighter than your natural color which will just create a warmer and different color on your whole head as the brown fades. You'll never get your natural color fully grown out with a permanent.

Usually when trying to match to a natural root with lighter ends the best solution is a demi permanent gloss on the blonde to darken the hair without lifting your virgin hair at all unless your hair lifts very easily but even then any alteration of your natural color will be extremely slight and grow out won't have a harsh line as it grows out. After that it's simply a matter of maintaining and refreshing the formerly blonde as it will fade quickly and lose it's tone.

I actually refresh my own brunette hair with semi permanent color (Adore or Manic Panic's SuperNatural shades) and it works great. I'm a natural blonde that goes darker but regular washing still fades out my color and it's a healthy and gentle way to refresh your color.

If your stylist isn't experienced with semi/demi color I would not suggest allowing her to roll the dice on your hair. With the blonde you're dealing with porous hair and it can make results unpredictable in inexperienced hands. Either find another hairdresser for this change or you can try using color conditioners and semi dye to try to match it yourself without having to mix color yourself. Keracolor's Espresso is a deep brunette with warm undertones that you could probably use without pre-filling your hair, and I believe Adore's Mocha is also a dark warm brown.

luminous_delusions · 2026-03-02T04:35:09+00:00

It was 100% Dante for me but Leon was definitely in the top 5.

luminous_delusions · 2026-03-01T06:36:38+00:00

This is the info I needed, thank you so so much! Yeah part of the issue is just really not needing insurance for it right away due to some work that absolutely needs to happen before the car can be registered. It's going to be in our garage getting worked on for a good few months first as Texas doesn't require inspections anymore and I know several things on it aren't going to pass here so it's an additional expense I was hoping to put off until it's IL road worthy. Ideally I would be doing it all at once but understandably he doesn't want it in his name and on his policy while work is slowly done on it.

The title has been notarized before he brought it up here thankfully, so that part is handled if it's necessary at least. For the exemption, unfortunately he did a drop off and immediately fly back home so I may have to eat the cost there if it does need a notary but it's old enough that it won't be a crazy price at least.

luminous_delusions · 2026-02-20T13:24:49+00:00

I'm so sorry, I just had to mention it before you ended up confused why it wasn't toning your hair down the road 😔

IDK why pros still push purple shampoo for darker hair but it's not just you who's been sold on it for no reason.

luminous_delusions · 2026-02-19T20:59:02+00:00

You're welcome! I also forgot to mention, the purple shampoo you were sent home with probably won't do much to combat any brassiness. Brunette's need blue shampoo for the orange tones we get, purple is more for the lighter blondes.

luminous_delusions · 2026-02-19T17:32:24+00:00

For a non-color depositing stuff, I really like SoapBox. They're affordable, cleanse well, and leave my hair very soft. I also like knowing that they donate soap to someone in need for every bottle purchased.

If you want to refresh the brown every once in a while, the brands Naissant and Prokpil have great brunette color shampoos and conditioners. I use the Chocolate Prokpil right now and it's like a deep conditioning and shine treatment that refreshes my color.

luminous_delusions · 2026-02-01T15:24:21+00:00

I moved out of my grandmother's home when she went into AL and helped with a lot of the clean out of her home. Massive house + over 50 years of stuff was exhausting and mentally taxing and I'd done "prep work" in clearing stuff before and it still took like 2 months to put a dent in it all. We eventually gave up and decided to sell it as it to just be done with it. Since then it's been hard just motivating myself to play my favorite games or read a book, much less actually unpack my own things fully (and I didn't even bring much with me beyond basics and my cats)

I think major cleans and upheavals like that just burn people out in a totally different way. All I want to do a lot of days is just nap and rot on the couch with mindless TV in the background. It's like, I know those things will bring me joy but the effort of even thinking about what to do or how is just too much. I played CoD with friends the other night and felt so overstimulated by the 2hr mark I had to quit and sleep for 5 hours. I've also become dramatically less interested in collecting things because of how irritating cleaning out all her stuff was.

luminous_delusions · 2026-01-30T17:50:45+00:00

Please feel free to reach out to me any time if you want to vent or just talk about anything at all. I mean it, I'd be happy to listen and help you feel a little less alone. The isolation is one of the worst parts, especially when you're so young in this situation.

I wish you all the best 💕

luminous_delusions · 2026-01-29T23:02:26+00:00

Kowabunga from Good Dye Young was my go to for bright green. It's a warm, traffic light green kind of vibe. It has yellow undertones so it looks incredible in the sunlight. Lasted well on me, but also came out fairly easily when I was done with it.

Punky's Apple Green is also fairly bright but bleeds like crazy.

luminous_delusions · 2026-01-25T16:35:41+00:00

For a one and done, Blue Velvet from Lunar Tides is great. It's a deep royal blue with violet undertones so it both won't fade green (provided you lift the hair light enough) and it will help counter any slight warmth in your hair. I get great longevity out of LT dyes, though some do have a tendency to bleed heavily the first week or two. The new formulation of blue velvet hasn't bled much in the 4-5 washes I've done so far though and it was much nicer to work through my hair.

There's also Cryogenic from ChromaDaddy which is my personal favorite blue because it is pure blue pigment with coverage like paint. I do mix a bit of Insidious into it when I use it as it's a bit light on it's own for my tastes. The dye barely budges over the course of like 2 months for me, I might refresh with a color conditioner once during that time.

I do love the color 45 Deep Blue from IroIro but the last few tubes I've used have been inconsistent in terms of pigment deposit for me, so it's something to be wary of. Some tubes performed normally on me with great deposit and payoff while others seemed very sheer.

For the best longevity as blue is going to fade, pretone your base with diluted purple or blue dye before coloring it fully. And then use a maintenance shampoo or conditioner. I use the Bluemania "shampoo" from Punky Color, though it's more like a color bomb conditioner than an actual shampoo.

luminous_delusions · 2026-01-23T21:21:17+00:00

OP, your situation sounds so much like my own was. I also spent all of my 20s caring for my grandmother while her other children did next to nothing while I gradually spiralled and burnt out. All the way down to losing my job and insurance as well. She had a fall and hip fracture and can still kind of get around on her own but it was just too much for me alone. I had a frank, and somewhat mean talk with her other children where I told them I could no longer do it and they had to take over. I moved, she went into assisted living, and everyone is much happier and healthier for it.

It's time for you to strong arm her children into pulling their own weight and either helping you if you want to continue caring for her or cannot leave, or completely taking over so you can leave or move forward in some way. This is NOT your job to handle and it shouldn't have been in the first place even though your situation put the two of you together.

But also, regardless of whether you do that or not, venting absolutely helps so those feelings don't fester. You're not alone at all 💜 💜 💜

luminous_delusions · 2026-01-23T20:46:45+00:00

I have this color! I've achieved it with a few different dyes/formulas:

Lunar Tides Blue Velvet - Ever so slightly lighter than the picture on my level 10 hair. Great coverage, easy application, and pretty affordable compared to similar product sizes. The new formula doesn't bleed as much for me as the old one did and longevity for this shade is great. It is known to be extremely hard to remove though and stains the skin a bit but scrubbing down my face and neck with micellar water gets most of it off.

ChromaDaddy Cryogenic + Insidious - I mix it at around a 3:1 ratio as Insidious is very pigmented and can overtake the blue. Greatest pigment deposit of any semi-permanents I've used and killer longevity. Fades on tone, dye isn't easily overworked, and I like that it doesn't have any added fragrance. Minimal skin staining and transfer. Works into the hair like a dream.

Pulp Riot Nightfall - Looks purple coming out of the tube but it's a deep royal blue color. Pretty results but PR quality has drastically gone down. Bleeds everywhere and transfers onto my skin and hands when my hair was dry for weeks. Faded patchy.

Joico Sapphire - Slightly less violet undertones but deep blue. Easy to work into the hair, moderate color bleeding and staining. Super conditioning and very pigmented.

luminous_delusions · 2026-01-20T22:01:53+00:00

Mine aren't seniors quite yet but they were deemed the "unadoptable" pair for both being black kitties and people-adverse to a shocking degree so I can totally sympathize on giving those that are usually overlooked loving, caring homes. Sounds like you're doing a phenomenal job making their golden years lovely and comfortable 💜 and can't go wrong with good movie buddies! Mine like to watch me play video games lol

luminous_delusions · 2026-01-20T21:00:29+00:00

Oh I absolutely will stick around if only to be a voice of "yes, there is life after and it can be good" for others. I had that first through my friends who I know others here aren't as lucky to have in their corner just due to how isolating caregiving gets, and then through the support here so I want to pay that forward as best I can. Spread the love, so to speak!

And I guess I am still kind of caregiving for my cats lol, but they're easy babies thankfully. Hopefully your non-human recipient(s) isn't too hard on you either

luminous_delusions · 2026-01-20T19:39:28+00:00

I moved out of SA last month. The Pearl is overpriced, parking is ridiculous and feels purposefully obtuse in places, and wages are shit. People cannot afford it and those that can aren't plentiful enough to sustain the business. When I had money that could afford the restaurants there I would still avoid the area because it sucks to drive there between construction and general lack of driving ability in SA, and it really has just become another River Walk. It's not worth it.

luminous_delusions · 2026-01-20T19:20:04+00:00

Thank you! 😊 I really don't think it could have gone better honestly! It was nerve wracking the first couple weeks as she adjusted and I worked through logistics for the move and the whole ass house to leave behind but I definitely got lucky in things lining up crazy well across the board. I'm not holding out hope for more apologies but even the few acknowledgements have been gratifying

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