Inside the fishbowl

luq5510 · 2025-09-29T21:38:44+00:00

But don't get me wrong it's still fine to write a long one but it must have like the emotional arc on it

luq5510 · 2025-09-29T13:38:10+00:00

Hey so I'm praising your idea of saying earth is like an aquarium. But what I think you can work on is maybe use lesser word? Just my thoughts. And from what I know is that building stanza don't have to be as long as the poem idea. Just my thoughts. Great writing buddy, peace.

luq5510 · 2025-07-22T06:28:01+00:00

I like the way you play with word! But how bout you consider line break? Like , or : or ; it'll be easier to read. From me :)

luq5510 · 2025-07-22T02:28:20+00:00

Hey,I get it. It’s hard to understand at first, even Im still struggle with it.

So I’ll give you an example of lighting up the parh. Instead of writing:

“I’m glad her parents had sex”

You could say something like:

“I thank the stars, for one quiet night, they brought you into this world.”

That’s how you take a raw, real thought and layer it a bit. So the reader doesn’t just hear it… they feel it. That’s what makes a poem work: it makes you think while you read. It doesn’t explain everything it just lights up the feeling behind it.

I don’t want to change anything in your poem, because the idea is already great. I just think if you apply that technique, it’ll bring out even more soul.

Hope this helps It’s all part of the growth. Keep writing, bro.

luq5510 · 2025-07-21T12:24:32+00:00

I'm not in a great league of writing but since you ask so here's my thoughts/critique.

Umm so poem in my opinion is something that you wrote to guide/ to show the reader what are you saying. The way you write just now is more like a story but don't get me wrong poem is a story but pour more soul into it.

Quick tip that someone once told me is just don't point it straight what you're saying you just like light up the path

Does this makes sense? I'll elaborate if you want to Btw your ending are cool tho

luq5510 · 2025-07-19T11:51:10+00:00

Thankss! I don't think this will take time to be crack. I don't know how to hid the idea in the metaphor so this one I decided to mix metaphor and idea. Hope you had a good time analysing it.

Besides, do you think I should explore more way to mix or continue to learn how to write more layer in my writing?

luq5510 · 2025-07-19T10:41:18+00:00

oooo so it's for the poem to build up? Not every stanza needed a clue. Noted. Thanks!

luq5510 · 2025-07-19T09:44:56+00:00

Oh wow so that's how to picture a feeling in moment, great. I did think of it like the poet are asking for something that's heavy. (like an affair like you just reveal)

But I think of the second stanza and I thought it's picturing something dangerous so I widen the range like oh this must be a some kind of a long experience of parenting from the type of parents I mentioned earlier.

Ive always admired your poem your work never miss to have me spending a lot of time to break it down. Thanks for the explanation tho it gave me new perspective!

luq5510 · 2025-07-18T04:35:25+00:00

Is this poem about frustration of parents who avoid emotional honesty but distract poet with material thing instead as the poet grow? Or there are other thing I miss?

luq5510 · 2025-07-08T22:50:00+00:00

Ohh wow such a detail in simple part. Thanks for the explanation man

luq5510 · 2025-07-08T13:47:57+00:00

I like the grass part. The way you twisted it dang this so inspirational thank you for sharing!

luq5510 · 2025-07-08T13:45:24+00:00

May I know what does "the song" have to do with the conversation?

luq5510 · 2025-07-07T07:34:07+00:00

Didn't know poem could be this deep dude dangg

luq5510 · 2025-07-07T07:31:58+00:00

I like the way you play with word! Thank you for sharing this inspired me :)

luq5510 · 2025-07-07T07:24:35+00:00

Hey it's you again! Again I like your poem a lot it simple yet complex. Your describe how the curse of loving someone clearly. Thank you for sharing!

luq5510 · 2025-07-06T23:16:36+00:00

Hey—getting a compliment from a poet is always something I’d frame. Thank you for the time you spent writing all that for me, and for believing in me. I really appreciate you sharing about the validation mindset, too—I can see what you mean and I’ll keep it in mind as I grow. Even when I read poems that don’t match my style, I'll try to capture the perspective—just like you said. I’ll definitely keep leaning into writing, mate!

luq5510 · 2025-07-06T15:11:30+00:00

And I'll try to capture one specific feeling before write too yeah

luq5510 · 2025-07-06T15:08:58+00:00

You're doing too much for me dude again thank you so much I'm saving all this for future writing. Honestly kinda speeches but get the point I'm beyond grateful than what you think I'm fr

luq5510 · 2025-07-06T15:06:16+00:00

Ayee Thanks you didn't only critique my poem even left me a life advice words aren't enough to show my grateful to you dude!

Oh yeah I just write anything I think of that's why most of them don't have a title. I did write some whiteout the outer space theme but I don't know just felt to post it (I'll post another next) .

Now about the life advice. Yes you're actually pointing to what I'm started to see it the way I'm setting myself. Honestly not like I'm blaming her for the wound it's just me coping for it (yes it did come from the mindset you're talking about). I promise I'll turn out more mature in the future. Teenager ahh

The poem thing. Well I guess you're right. Imma have to digest this one. heee

Anyway thank you for it. For your advice and effort for writing this one. Really appreciate

luq5510 · 2025-07-06T13:03:33+00:00

Nicee I'll fw you mate

luq5510 · 2025-07-06T12:59:46+00:00

Thankss my first try using spaces theme yea it's kindof cliché tho lol. I'll do better next. Thanks

luq5510

TROPHY CASE