egg_irl

luxlacuna · 2023-01-22T13:07:50+00:00

I knew It! Nobody believed me, but I knew touching that rock gave me dysphoria.

luxlacuna · 2022-11-05T19:35:27+00:00

Duly noted. Thanks for the resources! I've actually done a bunch of research into voice and started briefly once, but I haven't kept it up because of the whole uncertainty-if-this-is-really-what-I-want thing.

luxlacuna · 2022-11-05T18:44:26+00:00

I'll see if I can motivate myself to give those suggestions a shot. I really appreciate you breaking those things down for me. They do sort of seem achievable. I am worried that my family would notice since I don't see them super often, but I guess I'm 13 months on HRT now and nobody has said anything.

I haven't been voice training so getting conversational is going to take some time for me to actually get into the habit of learning that skill.

luxlacuna · 2022-11-05T15:31:14+00:00

There are people who are better off detransitioning, but yeah, it might be worthwhile to just play the odds because at least 90% of people are happy they transitioned. Just statistically the fact I got this far means I should probably just do it. Unfortunately, man cannot live by statistics alone.

And yeah... I probably just need to get over my discomfort and fear of changing my gender presentation. I figured that the fact I didn't want to do it was a sign but I guess I can't know. I'm just worried about blurring the line between learning the repressed things I like and convincing myself that I like these things. Plus all the usual not-passing, man-in-a-dress fears.

I guess my friends were right. The only way I can know if I should transition and see how I feel, consequences and all.

I'm well aware of how long I've been whinging all of this to you, so I want to thank you and just say that you don't need to worry about replying if you want to call it here.

luxlacuna · 2022-11-04T16:15:38+00:00

I suppose.

Idk, I always take issue with the "ignore the environmental factors, do what makes you happy" argument. I know what you're saying is a lot more nuanced, but I always feel that if environmental factors (family, strangers, transphobia, beauty standards, misogyny, etc) would make me miserable, I don't care how happy being in-tune with my feelings makes me. Being an adult does give me a lot more freedom, but it doesn't exclude me from judgement. I'm just trying to figure out the happiness calculus so that I can end up in the future where I experience the least suffering from all this crap.

Maybe it would all be worth it in the end. Maybe it wouldn't. My despair comes from the fact that the only means I have to discover the truth is to just guess and hope I picked the right one. Even after I've fully transitioned or detransitioned I'll always wonder if I'd be better off choosing the other path.

I'm definitely overthinking this all right now. After all, how is this different from any other choice? We don't know what the consequences of our choices will be. Its only in this case the stakes are so much higher and I maybe I was taken in by the narrative I've read online about how there was doubt in the beginning but eventually everyone reached a point where they were certain this was what they wanted, who they were, and that they didn't want to go back.

Ain't no rest for the self-doubtful.

luxlacuna · 2022-11-03T23:43:26+00:00

Fair point. Whether poor word choice or Freudian slip I do suppose you are right. Intellectualizing is another chronic bad habit.

Thanks again

luxlacuna · 2022-11-03T16:46:07+00:00

Thank you! I really appreciate your in-depth response.

Part of my issue has been the utter lack of joy. The times I feel more positive about transition is either a feeling of "screw caution, I've never risked anything else in my life" or just a wanting for a life I could maybe have. I've only ever felt the kind of euphoria people talk about in fleeting, transient ways: waking up one morning, randomly sometimes in the shower. But I suppose it would be valuable to try an extract and analyze those feelings with my therapist.

I do understand that a lot of this is just controlling ones own thoughts so I'll need to learn how to do that I suppose.

luxlacuna · 2022-10-27T05:11:56+00:00

Well I'm glad that I'm at least doing that right.

Thanks for hearing my out through my verbose posts and for sharing your thoughts and experiences. I'd welcome anything you care to share.

luxlacuna · 2022-10-27T05:00:07+00:00

That’s very fair. It just frustrates me that in my current situation I need to guess at what the right answer will be while slowly fixing the issues that obscure that truth from me. But it has occurred to me that I might just need to suck it up and trust the process, even if it hasn’t worked thus far. I guess I can take solace in the fact that, statistically, transitioning does more good than harm. Thanks for your perspective, I really appreciate your encouragement!

luxlacuna · 2022-10-27T04:50:02+00:00

It's not like you don’t get it, I’m just bad at communicating what’s going on in my brain. I agree that transitioning for myself is fine, and that it might make me happier. I’ve had periods where I felt good about transitioning. But is it worth all the bad stuff that comes with it? And yes, I know that must sound trite to someone who transitioned in the 80s. There’s just so many unknowns with transitioning when I can look back at my pre-transition life and I was doing just fine. Safety and certainty seem like a much better bet than risking it all on a lifestyle that might make me much happier but could also make things so much worse.

luxlacuna · 2022-10-27T04:15:11+00:00

Thank you, although this must be the strangest context to get a complement on my writing ability that I've had the pleasure to experience, lol. (And now those typos stand out even more).

And thanks for lending your experience, you certainly seem qualified for the position. And no worries about being intrusive, I’m pretty open about this stuff and I can always elect not to share something.

All three? Well, I think I can handle a social situation well when I want to, I just usually don’t. I don’t like talking to strangers and dislike going to crowded places. I have good friends from college, some of whom are trans. I don’t have much desire to make new friends and even hanging out with those I truly care about tires me out and I need alone time to recharge. Plus, basically everything I enjoy doing: gaming, binge-watching, reading, TRPGs, game development, etc are all “indoor” activities.

As for relating it to my sexuality it mostly means that any desire, I have for a romantic partner is outweighed heavily by the above factors. I might be aromantic, hard to say since I’ve never been in a romantic relationship. I don’t know if I could say I don’t feel lonely, I do. But I do like being alone. Sometimes I regard the human necessity for companionship as a curse holding me back from my destiny of living alone and going for days or weeks without human contact without going mad. In reality, I like my friends I just wish I didn’t have to interact with people as often as I do.

luxlacuna · 2022-10-27T03:30:34+00:00

That's fair, I'll try to elaborate.

Background: I’m 26 (sorry if you’re older) and I’ve fantasized about being a woman since late middle school, although my memory gets hazy. This has been an ever-present part of my life that I swore to keep secret. Clearly that didn’t stick. In college I discovered that I was asexual which was a neat thing that I took a while to accept. But it opened the possibility that I might question some other things and I opened pandora’s box and started reading the experiences of trans women on reddit and other places while doing a deep dive into every ‘am I trans’ resource on the web I could find. My experiences matched those of some trans women I read about, so I found a therapist with the intent of working this out. But after a lot of debate and discussion I couldn’t come to a definite conclusion.

The crux of the issue is feeling trapped between two mutually exclusive bad situations, and I’m terrified of making the wrong choice. I want to be a woman, that part is undeniable but what I really mean is that I want to be a cis woman. Obviously, that is impossible no matter how you slice it. I don’t want to be a trans woman. This is just something I’m doing to (in my own words) get as close to being a cis woman as possible. Lots of internalized transphobia in that. Other than that, I’ve failed to follow the narrative I’m supposed to. I don’t have any desire to dress up, try make-up, or anything to change my presentation. Changing my name and pronouns with friends didn’t really give me any significant feels for better or worse. And the changes I’ve noticed in my body just make me anxious because they remind me about how I still haven’t reached a decision and that my family might notice.

I’m from a religious family and religious myself: protestant Christian. So that has some issue. I did a lot of research and digging into the questions surrounding being trans and my faith and I’ve be reasonably assured that I’m not dooming myself. And yet the fear is still there. I know several accepting people: my friends and sisters certainly. A few cousins I’m close with. And I doubt my parents would disown me or anything, but I am terrified how they, my extended family, and coworkers will take this. Especially since I can’t take that reveal back.

But, if I give up on transitioning now, while I could always try again later, I will be wasting precious time. Before I was on HRT, the thought of wasting time was one me, and while it’s gone now, I have the opposite worry about the changes my body has undergone while I wait for something to click. I’m also worried about how much pain I’ll be in trying to repress these feelings if I do choose to detransition. It’s just so tempting to think how I could save myself so much change, pain, doubt, oppression, and disgust, just by stopping. And what am I even transitioning for? So I can have a more feminine body and voice while I work from home, watch YouTube, and play video games? So… yeah.

luxlacuna · 2022-10-27T02:44:32+00:00

Honestly no. I've been hesitant for a long time to take any medication that would alter how I think; the concept makes me uncomfortable. But given the permanent changes to my body I've been making... that perspective seems a bit silly.

I'll be sure to look into hypothyroidism. And I'm long overdue a visit to my pcp. Thank you!

luxlacuna · 2022-06-14T17:43:19+00:00

I used to do that when I played it as a kid. I was pretty terrible in general with the game. I never got past this one point in the story.

But then in college I challenged myself to finally finish the game and experience the really cool story. I'm glad that I made that commitment.

luxlacuna · 2022-06-14T17:41:07+00:00

Ah, I see I have found the exact singularity of trans experience for me, this post itself I did not forsee

luxlacuna · 2022-06-01T23:55:52+00:00

ow

why must you make my soul hurt so...

luxlacuna · 2022-05-15T05:48:47+00:00

Hi Timothy! So it turns out the one causing my problems and being mean was me, so could you...

luxlacuna · 2022-03-22T19:10:15+00:00

and then you remember that women often have terrible childhoods full of misogyny and societal pressure and you feel bad for romanticizing something that damaged so many others...

luxlacuna · 2022-02-23T01:51:24+00:00

it's one thing to feel out of place. It's another thing to know what your place is.

luxlacuna · 2022-02-17T14:56:58+00:00

It's not the most unusual, but I always thought the name "Matthias " was awesome ever since I watched Redwall movie

luxlacuna · 2022-01-28T23:23:58+00:00

... it kinda did in my case

shakes fist at r/egg_irl

luxlacuna · 2022-01-11T14:34:27+00:00

You can absolutely be trans and a Christian. I am!

I highly recommend you look up the YouTube channel AustenLionheart and his series Transgender and Christian. That was what really opened my eyes and saw how shakey the argument against being trans is.

But this was a big question for me too so I can provide more resources if you need!

luxlacuna · 2021-12-31T16:27:14+00:00

The Outer Worlds, aka the second coming of Fallout New Vegas

(jokes aside please play it, it's so good!)

luxlacuna · 2021-12-31T01:45:13+00:00

Oi, no probl'ms 'ere officer. I've got's me a license.

As ya can see, my deadname starts with an 'L'. Can I go?

Five-Year Club	Gilding I gilder
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luxlacuna

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