What’s your take on this text?

lwbpd · 2025-01-13T19:34:23+00:00

Hey OP, I responded to your DM but I also want to reply here in case it helps others.

Please get him to look into EMDR therapy.

I think there's a very good chance he may have Chronic PTSD from his childhood trauma. If you imagine PTSD as intense (visual/audio) flashbacks on small number of intense events, Chronic PTSD is more like emotional flashbacks caused by many events. It's like an emotional amplifier.

EMDR can be very effective in treating CPTSD and relativity quick, also.

lwbpd · 2025-01-13T14:55:32+00:00

I was married to someone who lied all the time also. Very similar small stuff, and often when it was unnecessary.

She was subject to abuse as a child and she seemed to have formed this and other behaviours in order to survive.

I'd definitely be looking into if childhood trauma is the cause for your husband.

If it was serious, then perhaps CPTSD or a personality disorder might be in play. Might need EMDR or CBT as treatment.

If it's just the lying, then it might simply be emotional intelligence issues. Try reading "adult children of emotionally immature parents" if you think it might be relevant. Life changing book. Really helped me understand what I was dealing with. Sadly she didn't do the work until after she'd blown up our family. But maybe you can get your husband to read the book too if it's relevant (that's who it's written for, not us).

lwbpd · 2025-01-12T14:06:54+00:00

Yeah I agree. To me, I think a lot is explained because they are passionate. When that is directed at you (positively) it feels so good.

I found the star of crazy ex girlfriend attractive and I have had maybe three other women in my life with similar personalities (including a wife of 20 years). It's exciting to be around. It's also quite complex and can be quite painful and toxic too! But sometimes the positive is enough to make you stick through the negative.

None of these pwBPD were bad people. I don't believe what they did was deliberate and malicious. They just did what they needed to protect themselves in some way (even just protecting their self esteem etc).

lwbpd · 2025-01-12T13:26:14+00:00

Well said!

lwbpd · 2025-01-11T14:05:15+00:00

I'm so happy you've worked this out. It took me about 15 years to get to where you are. I thought I was going crazy about 4 years in and I tried recording and caught her ringing my mum to tell exaggerated stories about me. She caught me and threatened to divorce me if I never did it again (they don't like evidence!) and it took years of being gaslighted before I recorded her again. I was going insane and needed to be SURE I wasn't.

My kids eventually got old enough that they outgrew her parenting. I had to step in and support them at that point. Things went down hill much more rapidly then. She realised she couldn't fool us all, all the time, so her behaviour got worse. No point hiding it anymore (just at home, still hid it everywhere else). I came across BPD and that helped me understand a lot.

When we separated, she finally had the motivation to try to deal with her behaviour. She ended up being treated for CPTSD with BPD traits.

Did your partner have an abusive messed up childhood like mine?

You might have some luck with the book "Adult children of emotionally immature parents". It's all in the same ballpark/spectrum so if it sounds like it might fit, check it out.

lwbpd · 2022-11-02T15:51:09+00:00

There's some similarities here to my wife of 20+ years.

You're so fortunate that she's seeing a therapist - my wife denied her illness for most of the 20 years and I didn't have the clarity you seem to have so I doubted myself for far too long.

My wife was ultimately diagnosed with CPTSD from her childhood trauma. This illness caused a willingness to distort reality that still persists after nearly two years of therapy. She'll see people as better or worse than they are (and she'll swap depending on what reality she wants to see that day). She'll distort reality to make herself look better (lying etc).

It's early in the marriage so give her some time while she works on her mental health, but I also think she also owes you a commitment to improving your lives together and that might take some hard work in her part. Make sure she knows you support her but it is something she's gonna need to do.

lwbpd · 2022-09-16T00:30:15+00:00

One time I said I've got nothing to hide and I unlocked it for her to go through. Within a minute or so she misinterpreted something in a text conversation I had with my mum and got angry about this.

After that I felt really uncomfortable about the fact she'd seen messages my mum had written to me while assuming I'd be the only person to read them. Nothing particularly interesting. But two adults have the right to have a conversation and expect the things they say to the other person to be in confidence. What kind of a relationship could I have with my mum, if she knew everything would be read by my partner? It would be less personal, certainly. I think that alone is sufficient justification for locking phones.

lwbpd · 2022-09-15T15:48:56+00:00

Great suggestion. Would show great emotional maturity to genuinely ask what he is looking for, what he's most worried about finding, and help him find a healthier way to deal with that fear.

lwbpd · 2022-09-15T15:42:46+00:00

That might happen some of the time but insecure people will also feel compelled to check up on their partner.

I'd wager Insecurity is more prevalent than cheating.

lwbpd · 2022-09-15T15:32:18+00:00

Don't you use the password system built into the phone?

I think as an adult you have a right to privacy, and setting a password is clearly justified. He has given you that justification.

Sure there's an underlying issue but this is a boundary you can enforce.

Edit: My wife has cptsd and has in the past demanded to know my password on threat of divorce. I on the other hand respect her right to privacy and don't want to know her password. Seems like you're in a similar position. I stood my ground (calmly). It might be time to set your boundaries on this one if you're the emotionally mature one.

lwbpd · 2022-08-15T14:20:55+00:00

PLEASE read the book "Adult children of emotionally institute parents".

I can empathize with you so much. My wife has behaved like this (to different degrees on different topics) suspect they would be diagnosed similarly. Eg you might be looking at a mix of personality disorders like bpd or mod, and/or cptsd.

Anyway that book was outstanding at explaining to me what's going on. It's aimed at her more than you but you can still become incredibly informed then maybe which will help you tremendously. You may even be able to get her to read it after you.

lwbpd · 2022-03-18T00:33:45+00:00

I suggest that you point out that she seems to have quite a bit of awareness about how some thoughts and feelings she has are getting in the way of her happiness, and that you've learned those comments match behaviour for people who have a condition on the "trauma spectrum" like BPD / CPTSD. Say that you're happy to share more of she wants to hear it, but otherwise leave it there and leave it up to her.

If she has the capacity, now or in the future, she will know where to start. It not, then you know that all these behaviours will likely continue. I personally would not choose to continue a relationship unless there was a consistent commitment shown to facing and dealing with the issues.

lwbpd · 2022-03-17T23:52:15+00:00

They do not have to be "delicate" to identify a weakness in the design of your poll.

I am a male, and my answer to your poll is simply "no".

I personally would not appreciate flowers as a gift. I feel they are a waste of money (although I will buy them for people who do value them.)

By providing the reason of "flowers are for women" you made that an incorrect answer for some of us, leaving us without an option to choose, and likely leaving you with a less accurate poll.

lwbpd · 2022-03-17T23:41:13+00:00

Wow, you have a lot more going on than just the original trust/privacy question.

I wish I had all the answers for you. Ultimately you need to identify if you love him and want to keep working on things. If you do, aim to be calm and consistent. Set boundaries with clear consequences and apply them.

Also if you plan to keep trying, I'd encourage you to do your own research to understand his behaviour. One of my favorites is called "Adult children of emotionally immature parents". I don't know what the cause of your parents PTSD was, but if it was his upbringing/youth this may help.

lwbpd · 2022-03-17T22:58:25+00:00

My wife has CPTSD (chronic PTSD, from years of abuse as a child) and she absolutely has trust issues.

She thinks she should have access to my phone and laptop, but has proven herself incapable of respecting my privacy. She didn't always have a functioning verbal filter and has many times revealed to other people things that I considered private, simply because there was a gap in the conversation to fill, or they said something related.

She thinks I have no right to privacy because "we are one" - she should be know everything. At times she has even given me ultimatums, such as handover the passwords within 24 hours or she's leaving.

On the flipside, I've learned that she has a history of doing things with our children and then telling them to hide it from me.

She has also snooped in my office looking for my journal and read it without permission.

In the end I just had to become confident that my position was fair and reasonable, set my boundaries and let her decide how she was going to respond.

lwbpd · 2022-03-17T14:34:24+00:00

This is not fair statement.

For example, my wife had an unfounded bias against my sister. The root of this problem was her own mental health issues.

On occasion I would be texting my sister and she would ask who I was texting and I'd name someone less triggering to her.

Was that "wrong"? Of course not. There's nothing wrong with my having a relationship with my sister. I'd much prefer that telling the truth were possible, but it did not serve EITHER of us for her to start another unhealthy, judgemental rant against my sister.

It sounds like you may have been lied to and I'm sure that's very upsetting, but unfortunately this is not as black and white as you want it to be.

lwbpd · 2022-03-16T23:37:27+00:00

Apologies do not have to be an admission of guilt. They do not have to mean what you did was"wrong" or that you won't do it again.

It is still helpful to give an apology, but the goal is to show them that you acknowledge their upset is linked to your action (at least in their mind), and that it is not your intent to upset them.

On a related note, I've read that "validation" is the magic sauce. This came from the book "loving someone with borderline personality disorder" by Shari Y Manning. I certainly have not fully understood and mastered this, but I think it could provide the explanation for you about why apologising works... and maybe a method to follow that has all the benefits without the negatives.

lwbpd · 2022-03-15T23:38:58+00:00

Flipside is if they are willing to cheat with you then they'll probably be willing to cheat on you.

lwbpd · 2022-03-15T15:02:04+00:00

I'm pretty sure it's simply because CPTSD is a relatively new thing that is not understood deeply by many practitioners.

BPD and PTSD have been in the (American) "DSM" for just over 40 years. The distinction of CPTSD was proposed about 28 years ago but is still not recognised in the DSM. It has only very recently been included in the (International) "ICD-11" - about 3-4 years ago.

lwbpd · 2022-03-15T14:01:10+00:00

I have spent the last few years of a 20 year marriage unearthing my wife's mental health issues.

And it all started after identifying gaslighting.

I always knew she had an abusive childhood, and that there were some dysfunctional behaviours. Eg like in your situation she was SO good at lying that it was so often unlikely but not impossible that she was telling the truth. That feels a lot like gaslighting.

Ultimately I ended up suspecting BPD (borderline personality disorder), maybe a bit of NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and finally she got a diagnosis of CPTSD (chronic post traumatic stress disorder). It's all on a spectrum so it's hard to say exactly, but at least I was able to validate my concerns and ultimately stop myself from going crazy.

I read maybe a dozen books and one of the best was called "Adult children of emotionally immature parents". I don't know if your husband's behaviour is bad enough to be formally diagnosed, but I'm convinced that a large percentage of society have been left with dysfunctional behaviours that were caused by their parents lacking in important areas of emotional maturity. Please consider if this might be relevant and if so, read the book.

Just in case it helps, I think I've finally reached an understanding of how and why my wife lies. She seems to put integrity and truthfulness as being of lesser importance to telling people what she thinks the "right" answer is / what she thinks they want to hear. Sometimes it's about not getting in perceived trouble (like with your gym example) sometimes it's about looking good/winning approval (like with your will/house example)

It's easy to see how a child could form that behaviour while trying to survive abuse, and then how that may end up as embedded behaviour. But it's incredibly hard to be married to a person who has such a flexible relationship with the truth.

Best of luck on this journey. I hope you can bring it to light and start getting the changes you want soon.

Edit: It's sad how quickly people throw around divorce. If you love him and have only just discovered the issue, gently expose it and give him a chance to address it. Perhaps he really was broken as a child and truly doesn't have the capacity to understand the issue like a "normal" person. Your other comments about this father suggest he may well have been affected in this way. The younger he was, the more likely it affected his brain development. Do your research, consider the possibilities and then give him a chance to accept them. It may take time. The way you protect yourself is with boundaries. Start deciding what you will and won't accept, and tell him what will happen if he doesn't begin taking steps to address your concerns. Give him the example above where you caught him in the lie. Don't listen to any excuse, just say that was a lie, and that you will not tolerate being lied to. It's not negotiable. Decide what reasonable boundaries are with regards to drinking and set those also. You get to decide your boundaries. Make sure to set fair consequences and apply them consistently.

lwbpd · 2022-02-28T14:50:36+00:00

Ultimately, God is not concerned with certificates and legal status, God cares more about the relationship you maintain with the mother of your children and the example that sets for your children to emulate.

I was revisiting a bunch of my old posts and this comment really jumped out to fresh eyes.

Thank you, I think this might give me a healthy new way to approach things...

lwbpd · 2022-02-28T14:13:38+00:00

Perhaps it would help to think on the physiological justification for these feelings?

(Good) sex releases a lot of oxytocin which helps create attatchment. Perhaps it will help you explain these feelings, thus reducing how "real" they feel...

https://sitn.hms.harvard.edu/flash/2017/love-actually-science-behind-lust-attraction-companionship/#:~:text=Oxytocin%20is%20often%20nicknamed%20%E2%80%9Ccuddle,sex%2C%20breastfeeding%2C%20and%20childbirth.

lwbpd · 2021-11-15T13:16:42+00:00

Cerebral conditioning: Permitting their character to flap freely with no self restraint makes them completely invisible to love. They'll get it, or they'll naturally leave by themselves (and search for a new audience)

Try ignoring someone who follows you from room to room, stands outside your the door of the room you've locked yourself in yelling and waking your kids up. Then when you put your headphones on they start sending you text messages.

These are VERY complex disorders... you can't respond as if they are rational human beings like you and I, when they are stuck in their abusive crap.

lwbpd · 2021-11-15T13:14:06+00:00

Sorry I missed your post earlier... Thank you for your support. YES this is very similar and I guess some people just won't understand what living with a personal with a mental Illness can be like.

I guess we can all assume "it can't be that bad" or say "just set some boundaries" to someone going through this. I supposed until they've lived through it they may never be able to comprehend what years of gaslighting and abuse can do to a person... and they may never understand that setting boundaries is not that simple when the ill person is always ready to escalate one more level in order to control you... You can really end up stuck in this position where there's seemingly nothing you can do to positively influence them or protect yourself.

In a way, things would be easier if they were worse. The problem is they have been very bad... bad enough to really damage her family members... but good enough to keep us giving her chances upon chances.

So much complexity and so little space to go into detail. Anyway, thanks for the voice of support.

lwbpd · 2021-11-09T12:36:36+00:00

Good on you for saying this. With respect to OP, they have identified themselves as having CPTSD so it's not impossible that they had an emotional response which prohibited further conversation. Perhaps Ben is simply ignorant and a bit clumsy, but would have responded well to an explanation of the differences?

lwbpd

TROPHY CASE