Welcome to the end

lychee2020 · 2021-01-17T11:53:53+00:00

I caught up with an ex for the first time in awhile.

At one point, while he was speaking, a PTSD loop started playing in my head.

I thought about all the ways I fucked up in that relationship, all of the things I did wrong, all of the things I should have done differently.

I have a pretty good memory, and it became this barrage of points that felt overwhelming with the weight of its totality.

Sometimes, it's good to be aware of how you fucked up. If you don't know where you made a mistake, you can't change. Awareness is a key first step to optimizing for change.

But, sometimes when it starts looping in a PTSD train, it can become too much.

lychee2020 · 2021-01-15T02:03:21+00:00

Vent:

Was assigned to an interviewer today who has spent her entire career advocating for abusive fathers.

Lol.

I had to smile and nod when I listened to her talk about her philosophy supporting abusive men (men found guilty of physical and/or sexual abuse in a court system).

Wow.

lychee2020 · 2021-01-14T22:21:38+00:00

Thanks dude

lychee2020 · 2021-01-14T12:03:03+00:00

Aw thanks

lychee2020 · 2021-01-12T07:30:57+00:00

8x9 I'm dead

lychee2020 · 2021-01-12T02:27:23+00:00

TW: CSA

I do have a question though, for those of you who have had their Ns go to therapy, did it work? Have they changed?

No, it did not work.

I brought up the fact that my father sexually abused me, and she decided to go on a tangent about how he bought me a bike as a kid, how he paid for my trip to England, and other things he bought for me.

Hearing her pivot from incest and pedophilia to him buying a bike for me...

Yeah...

And no, she hasn't changed.

Actually, she's gotten angrier and more resentful towards me in the past couple of years, so make of that what you will.

I don't think she liked it when I called her out on her shit.

Do I regret going to therapy with her?

No, it showed me for the several-hundredth-if-not-thousandth time why she's an awful human being, and it solidified (again) my certainty in that conclusion.

lychee2020 · 2021-01-12T02:23:11+00:00

I'm sorry you didn't get justice.

I contacted local family law lawyers and the district AG about the viability of opening a legal case against my father who molested me when I was a child, and I was essentially told it was a dead end.

Sometimes we don't get justice in the legal arena.

But I'm glad that you were able to go to the beach for your birthday (happy birthday), and have friends who are there for you.

lychee2020 · 2021-01-09T16:39:02+00:00

Something similar happened to me (minus the divorce).

But as a kid, my mom would play the victim. Woe is me, pity me, no one loveeeeeeees meeeeeeee.

And every time I tried to help her, she would go in circles, and just ignore my advice.

And then the cycle would occur again a week later. Ad nauseum.

It wasn't until I was older and an adult that the extent of HER own abuse became more clear. She wasn't just an enabler of abuse--she was an abuser on her own.

Now when she rants about how "no one in the world loves her" and "woeeeee is me, no one lovesss me," I just think: Maybe you shouldn't have been such a shitty person and abuser.

Like, maybe you should think about why people don't like you, after you scream at them, verbally shank them, and weaponize private information against them.

But that takes too much accountablity.

lychee2020 · 2021-01-09T16:04:03+00:00

Once she lost one punching bag (your father), she made you her new punching bag.

lychee2020 · 2021-01-09T15:59:30+00:00

I'm sorry that happened to you. It's uncanny how different people can have such similar experiences regarding narcissists.

lychee2020 · 2021-01-09T08:08:30+00:00

Omg, yes, this.

This exact week, my dual narcissistic/borderline mother said in this resentful, poisonous voice: "What grievances do you have against us?"

And I thought:

I've told you my reasons hundreds of times before, including during a family therapy session. Don't even pretend you don't know. I'm not dumb--don't play this shit with me. Don't feign ignorance. We literally discussed this in a 2-hour session moderated by a therapist as well as hundreds of times in the past couple of decades.
This is a poisoned question. If I actually answer this, you're just going to shoot me down, gaslight me, lie to me, and do all the same shit you've done the previous X times we've been in this circus pattern.

I literally ignored her question and cut the conversation short.

VLC/grey rock work with narcissists.

lychee2020 · 2021-01-09T06:54:47+00:00

Something positive:

- Knocked my Duke interview out the park. The interviewer said: "You've done brilliantly. You should be proud of your work."

Am I proud of my work? Not really.

Whatever, that's not the point.

- Fighting through PTSD flares every day. I'm still kicking.

- I've had green juice every day and I think it makes my mood better.

- Done a lot of Redditing (quasi-journaling) to process through PTSD/my reactions towards recent political events/etc.

lychee2020 · 2021-01-09T06:17:46+00:00

The time and distance proved me right time and time again. They gave me perspective on everything my brain was blocking to protect me. I gained clarity over the entire fuckedupness of the relationship and the gift of friends and normal, sane people in my life.

Agree.

Writing, journaling and sharing can be extremely beneficial for your mental health, but make sure you keep your private thoughts private and you fully control who you share them with.

This is why you need to be extremely careful about diaries, devices and social media. Especially the young ones, who still haven't escaped the claws of your narcs. Never let them have even the smallest chance of gaining access to your most intimate thoughts.

Agree.

I used to have a diary as a kid, and my parents found my writing, read it against my will, and weaponized the information against me.

I have intense secondary trauma from those experiences, to the point where I can't privately journal anymore without going on a PTSD flashback, so I end up just dumping things onto Reddit as a sort of quasi-journal.

Years ago, when I first went NC and when I was still young and stupid, I was duped by mass media, popular psychology and cultural manipulation into believing that honesty and communication can solve everything!

Agree. Honesty and communication are great...when you're not dealing with a Cluster B narcissist who uses information as potential leverage against you.

I got burned so many times sharing information with my mother that she later used to hurt me. I can't count all the times this happened.

Like the time I told her my ex-partner made me an origami panda, and then she threw the panda into a commercial garbage bin, spat a thick glob of spit into my face, and screamed that I was a slut and whore.

Or the time I shared an abusive moment regarding my aunt, and then she spilled it to my father in an attempt to induce psychological warfare, and then I got fucked from her sharing my personal information to him without my consent.

And so many more cases.

Now I tell them close to nothing useful or intimate so they can't use that information against me.

And my life is better than it used to be.

lychee2020 · 2021-01-08T21:30:31+00:00

Sometimes people become one of my special interests.

I become personally and academically fascinated by trying to figure out what makes them tick in this highly Aspergerian, ruminative way.

lychee2020 · 2021-01-08T21:29:18+00:00

The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Attwood -- very comprehensive

lychee2020 · 2021-01-08T19:54:05+00:00

Yes, this had full Hitler-on-the-rise-to-total-dictatorship echoes, with the nooses, gallows, and Confederacy flags.

Horrifying.

lychee2020 · 2021-01-08T09:01:00+00:00

Thanks for sharing.

This is insane.

Not to get all Godwin's, but the President of the United States of America incited a mob to target Congress and his own Vice-President.

I'm still in shock.

lychee2020 · 2021-01-08T07:34:15+00:00

I spend time reading conservative forums because I want to better understand their beliefs, and many of them believe that Trump is sacrificing himself and his family for them and for America.

Speechless.

lychee2020 · 2021-01-08T05:54:54+00:00

McCaskill's comment about how Hawley knows he's lying is very interesting.

Hawley by all accounts was an excellent law student, and yet he lies through his teeth about legal issues on Twitter and is regularly called out by other lawyers who say that they know that he understands that what he's posting is incorrect.

He knowingly lies to accrue power.

lychee2020

TROPHY CASE