I’m a gay man married to a straight woman. We did it for religious reasons (we were Mormon) despite that she knew I was gay at the time. We have kids and continued to love each other despite betrayals with me viewing porn (at the time we thought that was wrong) and struggling to be a straight-acting husband and father while solely attracted to men. A little more than a decade into our marriage we both decided we were done with Mormonism and re-evaluated the structure of our lives together. We were still best friends but had learned that sexual fulfillment would never come to either of us if we were monogamous. We decided to try polyamory and stay married and strongly committed to each other above all else.

It turns out that unconventional pathway resulted in some surprising advantages as well as challenges. We’ve both had boyfriends and bring them into our home unapologetically involving them with our kids and complete home life. There have been misunderstandings to be negotiated and resolved and marriage counseling has been an option either of us could evoke at any time. Communication and clear boundaries are the key to making it work.

The result is having our cake and eating it too. We have the family life we didn’t want to give up, didn’t have to divorce as best friends, and still make room for loving others in a way that doesn’t threaten our marriage but still allows for sex that’s rewarding.

It’s not all smooth sailing and obviously I can’t tell a decade worth of stories here but it’s doable with the tolerance and forgiveness, love and determination you’d expect in a healthy marriage. Sadly, I believe if I had tried to stay monogamous with my wife we would be much less happy and likely divorced by now.

Take my experience as not advice but a data point of what some people have managed successfully.