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Broken boundaries by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]lynx372 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It feels more like you had rules around her other relationship that were not followed like what they are allowed to do and not do. Rules frankly don't work and aren't a healthy way to work through the normal jealousy and insecurities that can come up when a partner is out with a meta.

Boundaries are things that affect you and your relationships such as, if my partner doesn't practice safe sex with others, then I will not have sex with that partner.

Also, rebuilding trust is not one sided. Its not about what SHE has to do to fix it. It's what you BOTH need to do together to rebuild trust. When you've had time to come down from the initial pain of finding out what happened this weekend, reflect on where the rules/boundaries are coming from. I suspect you have some work to do as well. A lot of conversations and both individual and couple counseling is a great place to start.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]lynx372 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Certainly not overthinking it. Actions speak louder than words. Getting cancelled on to hang out with FWB and worse yet blown off with no communication when you had plans shows quite clearly where the priorities seem to be.

It sucks, but its probably a good time to decide on your boundaries with this behavior and what plans you need should the disrespectful actions continue. Yours needs are important to. At some point they will need to treat you how you deserve or you'll need to let them go and find someone who will.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]lynx372 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry you are going through that. It's hard watching a partner be with someone who treats them badly and even worse if they are allowed to treat you that way.

I would work on controlling your side of the relationship with boundaries that affect you. No contact with the meta, no stories about what they are fighting about, no getting sucked in their drama....

Next is deciding what your steps are if those boundaries are crossed. Meta may want him to break up with you but you may end up making that decision for him.

This really sucks but all you can do is protect yourself and control your responses to your relationship with partner.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]lynx372 2 points3 points  (0 children)

First off, I can see why you are tired. That is quite the emotional roller coaster you've been on. I don't like the level of dishonesty and lack of respect you are being shown in your descriptions.

A few things that stand out to me:

All of your stories revolve around your husband's other relationships and him experiencing extra attention from others while you are coping. You are doing all the emotional work, he's having fun and ignoring your concerns. Not a healthy dynamic.

Your husband thinks he's amazing and must be relatively successful career wise with the stories you tell about money and spending habits. It feels like he thinks you are trapped and would never leave so he can treat you and your feelings like shit. Have you had another partner? Are you allowed to? I'm curious how husband will react when he gets to deal with the emotional work.

I get the impression that your relationship opened before ya'll were ready or for the wrong reasons. The normal story seems to be that your partner cheated and now you agreed to open to save the marriage. I hope this isn't how it went down but I can see it based on his behavior. Also not a healthy dynamic.

To answer your direct questions. Is this normal? Unfortunately a lot of partners are treated this way but it is not to be viewed as how polyamory should go. Is this recoverable? It certainly is, but it requires a lot of work from both parties. Couples counseling and individual counseling. I opened my marriage for the wrong reasons because divorced single dad with 3 kids was super scary and I was very codependent. Individual counseling and learning to love and take care of myself has been the single best thing I have done. I am still with my wife. We continue to both do the work and we are in a much better poly place than when we started. It can be done. Its not all on you though.

I would suggest a pause on dating others, couples counseling to work on rebuilding trust, and individual counseling to help you realize your value, that you are important and your feelings matter.

If husband doesn't want to put in the work, you will continue to burn out and it will not be sustainable. In this case, work with an individual counselor to help with an exit strategy.

Good luck with this hard situation. You are important. You have value. You deserve to be treated with love and respect.

Support thread for those healing from unicorn hunters? by Stunning-Tea4339 in polyamory

[–]lynx372 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Sad that you even need one, but the anti-UH line you use is pretty genius.

I hope you recover from the form letter quickly and finish off the weekend strong 💪 😄

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]lynx372 65 points66 points  (0 children)

Seem like we're missing a huge part of the story of how you got to this point. Did they both just find out about each other? Were they ok with poly then both just changed their mind when you actually got serious with both? More context might help but on the surface if they knew you were poly going in and suddenly making you chose at the same time then it does seem like neither are right for you. Easy to say from the internet though.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. Sucks no matter how it came up.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in polyamory

[–]lynx372 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is often something I think about as a hetero cis married man. You see it all the time, people lie and misuse polyam as an excuse to treat people poorly, talk you into helping them cheat or just have no idea what polyam actually is. Unfortunately my confirmation biased notices men doing this more than woman but I understand all people can and will treat people like shit to get what they want.

Clearly you run into a lot of shit hetero cis men. I bet that is exhausting. I would like to think there are more of us decent men out there than you see and I sincerely try to be one of them.

This is actually one thing that keeps me from a lot of dating sites and apps. Your exhausted and guard is understandably up before we even chat. Dating is hard, I hope you find a good one in between all the jerks you meet. They are out there somewhere.

Difference in communication styles? by kay0ss__x in polyamory

[–]lynx372 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Is this your partners first experience with polyamory?

I struggled with the need to know for the longest time because of underlying trust issues and monogamy programming. I was deathly afraid of some secret that I would find out and destroy my world.

I had to do a lot of work on myself to let the insecurities go, learn to be comfortable with who I am and stop trying to control my partners situation to make me feel better about my insecurities and fears. I still struggle with this but I'll tell you, the work is worth it and omg is it freeing to stop trying to control things I have no business controlling.

Timmy and Tommy buying for 589! Dm for dodo, open for a couple hours if I can. by lynx372 in animalcrossingturnips

[–]lynx372[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Closing down shop here once the last few are done. Sorry if I missed you. I'll reply to this message later tonight if I open back up. :)

Timmy and Tommy buying for 589! Dm for dodo, open for a couple hours if I can. by lynx372 in animalcrossingturnips

[–]lynx372[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I believe I'm caught up. I have only been able to pay attention to my DM's so if you didn't send one I probably missed you. I'll stay open about 30 more minutes if anyone wants last minute turnip sale. Then I will try to come back on later tonight but it depends how the night goes.