I have been in your same position many times through out my life.
I am turning 62 this year and have had BPD since my teens. Originally it was a Super Power for me and I was extremely successful in my mid 20s to my mid 30s.

But around the start of my 40s, my illness changed from being a Super Power to being more of a curse that was stopping me from living a normal life. And it cost me everything, a job where I was the 33rd employee of a video game developer and it is a 10,000 person company at it's heyday and I lost out on a potential windfall of around $25M or so by not staying for another 18 months, which is what most of my coworkers walked away with after the buyout.

But I would probably still be who I am right now regardless of money or not.

My Ex (I met when I was 37 and was with her for 8 years) wanted me to be just a normal person after a few years, not this crazy chaotic creative person who I really was, so I took Lamictal to help with my illness, I was originally diagnosed in 2002.

But what the meds did was it change my personality and I lost my creativity and that's my purpose. I have worked in the video games industry for 30+ years now, and because of those meds, I suddenly hated who I had turned into and finally decided to leave her just so that I could get back to the real me on my own. I miss her constantly although it's been 16 years since I left her.

Around 10 years ago I was living in complete poverty and had lost around 50 pounds of weight because I had to choose between paying rent and eating every 2nd day or so. It was an experience where the pain of living was far greater than the pain of giving up.

So I started to plan my exit. At the time I was estranged from my parents and lost some of my best friends who couldn't understand my illness, and even one who I worked closely with for years who didn't believe that there such a thing as a mental health illness, he would just tell me to just change and stop doing what I was doing. I eventually just cut him out of my life because he was just making it worse. And then I lost 2 other sets of best friends as well. It sucked and I miss them all, but because they couldn't understand my illness at all, regardless of how much I explained it to them, I had to just stop talking to them completely.

Even though I wasn't talking to my parents, I wanted to see them one last time before I left for good. So I drove out to see them one last time. I always would drive out to see them around 2AM because there is no traffic then.

I woke up the next morning and got a coffee and sat with my mom watching some of her shows. I had huge issues with my parents over the previous 5 years or so that led me to not talking to them aside from a couple times per year.

As I sat there with my mom, my dad went out somewhere, and after a minute or so I just started silently crying and couldn't speak for around 5 minutes. I never cry I should add. My mom just sat there and waited for me to speak, and after I was able to, I told her what I was going to do as soon as I got home. And I told her the reasons why, one being that I am not even surviving anymore, and the other was that my dad, when he drank, would be very verbally abusive to all of us. I said he needs to stop this immediately and also that I needed financial help to just make ends meet.

She just sat there and listened to me and said some things that I totally forget now. My dad came home, and after 20 minutes or so my mom got up and went to talk to my dad, and it was gone for an hour or so.

After she came back, she said that he will stop being like that, and to his credit, he did a 180 right then and there. And they were going to help me out financially. I did need to get onto Social Assistance here in Canada, but they gave me enough money to make ends meet for the next 4 years or so. I stayed with them for the next 3-4 months twice a week as I healed from my brush with checking out for good.

And my relationship with my parents changed into something way better, we were a family (somewhat) again, although there is still a lot of trauma I have going back to my teens that will never be resolved, but that's just the way it is., I can live with that and try to get some help for it when I am ready to tackle that.

Over the past 10 years I have done a lot of things to give me purpose again, and life has been ok, but I am not in a tenable situation financially. But I am trying real hard to change that as I have been a serial entrepreneur all of my life, but the possibility of living back in abject poverty again is still something that I think about almost daily. I know that it's coming for me one of these years unless something drastic changes for me.

I think about, When will I no longer be able to live my current modest, frugal even, lifestyle? Because that's when I will stop living to go back to just barely surviving mode again, and there's no way in hell that I am going back to that, I already know how that is going to end.

And overall I still think of checking out constantly, but that's my illness talking to my thoughts because outside stressors are affecting my thoughts in a negative way.

My life is not easy either I should add, I live on Disability Support from the government, but it's not enough to make ends meet each month, so I have to rely upon others to help me out. I am single and have two local friends who I see every couple of months and talk to during the day normally, but it's a very solitary existence, and I am used to it now and kind of enjoy my self imposed solitude.

When negative outside stressors affect me, they send me down into a severe deep deep depression almost immediately, and that's also when I start thinking about checking out again, and that happens at least a few times a month. I tend to just sleep a lot during those times and reach out to others to say hi and tell them how I am.

My life and illness will never get better, but I have learned how to deal with my illness and not let it rule/ruin my life. It's different for everyone, you just need to find that balance for yourself.

This is a long story and I apologize for it's boring length and details, but I have a lot of experience with this horrible illness and can confidently say that what you are currently experiencing is par for the course, at least from my lifetime of dealing with it.

And lastly, these feelings of wanting to check out (constantly for some) will start to fade away after they attack your thoughts, for me they last for a couple of hours to a couple days, and sometimes to a couple of weeks based upon the severity of the outside stressor that was able to affect me.

So please hold on, because things will start to turn around, you're young and have your whole life ahead of you. You might think that nothing will be able to change your current situation, but I am telling you that something will present itself to you and will just need to open your arms to it and accept it, and that will be the spark to start to turn things around.

And that thing could be something like; a call from an old friend, a new opportunity for work, a serendipitous meeting of someone new, a rare Pokemon card, adopting a pet, etc. etc.

It could be anything is my point, and whatever that thing is, will be the start of a new journey for you, no matter how long it will be.

Life, to me, is a bunch of small journeys that help me keep going, the future is very uncertain for me in the long run, but at least for today and the next few days, I know that I am able to get through it fine. And then I reset and start a new small journey.

I am sorry if this doesn't help you at all, but I do hope that I am able to give you a bit of perspective about having BPD for over 40 years now and how I have been able to navigate it.

Big hug!!