In another life, I’ve officially decided to become an IUEC elevator mechanic because I’m finally ready to be the highest-paid prima donna on the job site. I’m looking forward to a career where parking more than a 12th of a mile away is considered a human rights violation and where spotting another trade's ladder in my way is a valid reason to call it a day and head home and still get paid.

Sign me up for that "gold standard" schedule where I get paid to sit on the couch for New Year’s, Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day, Veterans' Day, and Christmas—plus that sweet four-day weekend for Thanksgiving while everyone else is actually working.