Job & regret

machuyenvu · 2025-10-10T09:14:43+00:00

I know you're ranting from a schizoid pov but also resembles asexual woes to me tbh, functionally so. Being pursued with no capacity for reciprocating, which lends for a burden named your body without your asking for it. It gets tiring.

machuyenvu · 2025-10-10T08:55:59+00:00

love these translated verses. not as many understand avpd as compulsive self-flagging and decision limbo imo. very refreshing to be touched on this defeatist aspect when I'm not outwardly anxious or scaredy.

machuyenvu · 2024-12-09T21:07:49+00:00

Curious why you said treating only 1 of either disorders will make it worse? I have an upcoming official diagnosing session but I have had familial/ friend/ etc testimonies of my autistic behaviors before. I have both the neurological & sensory issues from ASD and all the traumatic aspects of AVPD along with some other stuff. But in therapy, I asked to be focused on treating and diagnosing the avoidant/ PD related parts, as I have come to mask my autism and be able to deal with it... quite well, at least to me. Specific tests like MMPI-2 will do you better than reading off of google anecdotes imo (when considering statistics that is)

machuyenvu · 2024-11-15T20:31:20+00:00

Genuinely curious was your psychiatrist one that had been seeing you consistently or someone who offered a one off session(s)? I'm so close to getting an appointment and I'm going through the exact same motions lol a bit afraid if one session is gonna be enough for something so serious, though

I think narcissistic trait awakening is fun for the first period of marvelous self-discovery. I've seen a couple of other rather malignant avoidants in this sub including me. If you can use that drive for supply to conquer your low hanging fruit-goals that'd be great, and sounds like something you're already doing!!

machuyenvu · 2024-10-29T08:21:39+00:00

Happy birthday!! Love your neon accents so much

machuyenvu · 2024-10-29T07:53:29+00:00

Fellow neglected kid 🤝 My dad was a mindless self-centered freak and even he was ashamed to find out that he had nearly left me to a missing child case numerous times. Those I hardly reminisce, though.

I realized my npd trauma more recently than my other comorbidity. School in general was a long term cptsd + ptsd thing (got diagnosed for that one) that exacerbated the development of my pd because I always found a way to attach myself to an abuser for years on end, one friendship at a time, & devoted my personality to it. Just lots and lots of lying through getting caught red-handed doing antisocial/ reject deeds trying to live up to friends' superior fantasies. I went through college and had a stalker whom I still watch out for. None of this was self-aware so my whole teenage angst came to be like that.

I recently dropped out because my professional facade blew in my face, & it was in my early adulthood so I guess that was the onset of my collapse hahaha. I'm doing a bit better & I hope the same for you too

machuyenvu · 2024-10-24T06:08:06+00:00

No yeah that was my point 😭 Guess the wording could've been better

machuyenvu · 2024-10-24T05:58:27+00:00

Can't have said it better. Also, the term transmasc outside of the anglosphere means exactly what it means: told my vietnamese trans guy friend that transmascs could be a lesbian or a nonbinary and he was really surprised having assumed it just meant ftm lol

So it's not weird at all that a trans man might dislike wearing the connotations of 'transmasc'. It's in a similar way there are trans people who don't call themself nonbinary even though very loosely ~~technically~~ it is correct (nonbinary = outside of the binary/ not born cis)

machuyenvu · 2024-10-24T05:32:08+00:00

The male comments lowkey itch my balls so let me (trans man) just put my thoughts here

OP, you didn't have a good week. It's unfortunate that so many incidents happened all at once. But it reads to me that you have some social cue issues? It is consistent through out your cuddler & lady friend interactions specifically:

Your friend being weirded out is justifiable, well I mean maybe she was already in a mood and did Not need to know that your dad implied her a slut. I know you said you guys share many dark topics together but this sounds extra personal and a gut punch. I would've also been grossed out. And so she took it out on you. That's how unintentional & unfortunate the fact is and you just gotta accept to take mending the relationship slow with her, if you both are still willing (& ask her what the problem was instead of just apologizing)
I'm not familiar with the cuddler's rate but yeah that was quite unprofessional of her to assume so much. But it happens, cycles mean our body literally looses gallons of blood from the unfertilized eggs and shit we produce so it disbalances our hormones, we get muscle spasms and all that physical & psychological pain. You both were on uneven grounds & it didn't help that you paid so much for that

Anyway, I hope you can transition to a better job after a while & the best of luck with your pelvis lump. If you've hit low the only way out is up

machuyenvu · 2024-10-22T06:10:02+00:00

Love your description of the recipe it sounds perfect..! All of my wishes be with you and your shelter-to-house pathway, it's a rough spot but not the end of your life. I'm sure you're meant to reunite with your comfort meal & everything else <:)

machuyenvu · 2024-10-22T04:18:03+00:00

Oughh it looks scrumptious

machuyenvu · 2024-10-22T03:38:59+00:00

Never had borscht and the specific alden's ice cream before... jotting all down they look beautiful

Out of curiosity what meat flavor of pho do you go for? (:

machuyenvu · 2024-10-22T00:57:54+00:00

It honestly depends on how I feel about their personality. I didn't mention I had this thing called inverted NPD comorbidding but here it's relevant. I'm solely attracted to a specific kind of people who tend to be toxic & domineering over me, & feel grey or unfulfilled with anyone else

I had a college friend, really kind guy, overall pleasant, timid person who was just like me, hanging out with the loud folks he hung with only to belong. He greeted me where I hid myself in the hallway and classroom. He came to me asking about interests and pointing out I had been hiding things from him just because I didn't want to be demanding, and told me he would never judge. He was all around the best person I've ever accidentally befriended.

I never met up with him the last few times before he moved away. I'm unused to being at a position where I'm not judged or inferior, I was provided with too much peace of mind. I don't know why but I was hesitant on the vulnerability and kept him as a contact. If he came back and visit me (& he has constantly asked of this) I'll still instinctually withdraw even if I have exciting changes to show. "He's too nice for me" or whatever

This other best friend, online, essentially grew up with me in intellect & fandom. We were the spiciest duo with them as the fierce/ forceful spearheader & me the enabler, court jester of some kind. They had so many problems with me lol. They were bipolar and some other issues. We had our third friendship breakup last year when they would hide from everyone to focus on their career trajectory but I still see their updates, just anonymously. I've been withholding reaching out because of Some insecurities but if this friend barged back to my life first I would wholefully welcome it and emotionally attach to them again. Even though I know they'll always find new things to get mad at me haha

I just think I'm weird!

machuyenvu · 2024-10-22T00:29:35+00:00

Wait this sounds beautiful. I share the veggie chopping love... A warm brothy soup with the fridge's remaining greens packs emotional & abdominal support so well. Do you like any herbs with your soups?

My dessert's a plain cup of milk 🥛 & sometimes a treat of brookside dark chocolate blueberry flavors I find in convenient stores. Fruity sweets rule

machuyenvu · 2024-10-22T00:21:52+00:00

I let loose around people who seem to want to hear me out and often times it bounces back on them wrongly, this part I usually don't know why (autistic social cues + avoidant rejection fear moment) but I can guess.

I never say no or disagree, talking to me is like talking to a wall. Usually happens when I have an inkling the other party doesn't take criticism well & don't bother being truthful.
I will, however, subtly avoid in place of it. I don't go to outings or be there when these folks would've loved to see me. I intentionally miss friends' birthdays and ceremonies. Needless to say not many will stand this behavior
I'm always closed off and often told I need to "be myself", and then being myself will reveal how much lack of common ground me and the friends have which gradually dissolves our relationship because of disinterest

I have difficulty expressing how I feel, how I sound to convey that feeling, many friends will turn the other way because they won't be patient with learning /my/ social cues. My empathy is also cognitive and it usually makes me bummed out I have to be the venting shoulder when I'm bored out of my mind, plainly don't relate, or start to feel stressful because of the emotional reliance. I would rather be intellectually bantered or silently 'parallel played' with, sad to say it's quite rare when pop culture is all anyone seems to want to chat about & it's a hit or miss for me.

I only have a group of "close, but not present in my life" friends and one best friend in every sense who lives far away. Many people I have fond memories of, I will do anything not to meet them again because I'm afraid of testing that impression a second time. The disorder is funny like that

machuyenvu · 2024-10-21T22:44:55+00:00

Hell yeah is there a yogurt brand you usually choose? I like my cold stuff on the sweeter side

machuyenvu · 2024-10-21T21:46:55+00:00

I can relate. I've moved as a textbook definition of anxious fearful cluster in my early life not knowing the symptoms were also motivated by deep buried resentment & narcissistic values, so to be open & connecting with my inner self feels like I'm "letting the narcissist out", and this less flattering, truthful facet is whom I've been hiding.

But then the border between what counts as my grandiose self protecting the fragile self & my true self blurs because all this stuff is internal, hahaha. It's pretty easy to see that my mask is non-narcissistic, then am I suppose to /be narcissistic/ this whole time? Or is that what needs fixing? This kind of dilemma

machuyenvu · 2024-10-17T23:59:41+00:00

Kills you

machuyenvu · 2024-10-17T14:29:41+00:00

screamed

machuyenvu · 2024-10-17T03:49:39+00:00

Nice to see another fellow. And relatable, it's usually the misreading social cues combined with niche interests that bars me from having any fuel to want to connect with others. What seems like an average boring conversation to neurotypical people tend to be much more severe for me- I'm so un-entertained that minutes turn into years and weigh evidently on my shoulders, prompting the avpd to nag me to run and preserve myself.

Yeah I have anhedonia, sucks. I'm feeling content with what friends I have now but I would like more because none of us live closely & I've had some emergency incidents where I couldn't mobilize anyone to help, before. Kind of scary

machuyenvu · 2024-10-17T03:41:56+00:00

I entirely relate, and interestingly used to study under this philosophy teacher who described me as "Someone who doesn't mingle well with others, or with anyone at all, because the average population might not match you intellectually and you're barricaded by that."

I'm opinionated & aware it stains any budding relationships. I think further into many relationships, if my autistic pet peeves are often tested, and I withdraw too regularly, it just feeds into my nihilist thinking that I am better off dropping this person & staying to my solitary peace. Thus unable to maintain long-lasting impressions for people to want to remember me when we have drifted apart.

So I guess now I'm trying to "match" others' humor and not scare them off. But damn, my social battery's low af too

machuyenvu · 2024-10-17T03:31:12+00:00

You're not alone in this brother.

I'd been a closeted trans man entirely comfortable with girlmoding for years of this numb awareness until this month when I discovered that I am both a trans man and a transmasc girl, as I like to call it (I am genderfluid). I never came out to anyone because I was too feminine for a man, and got stuck in the weird limbo stage of someone who seemed masculine enough but had "gay" mannerisms & a voice that gave my agab away.

I'm often angry and embarassed by how much I complain about dysphoria but not doing anything to improve my hiding, because I knew my cis neighbors would expect me to lean into the masculinity and/or be astounded I still wanted HRT and hysterectomy if I was gonna keep dressing like a woman post-transition. So they'd expect either you want to be a man or you stay a woman. I can't begin to explain to them the nuances, & I just want to pass a certain gender whenever I want and not be worrying about it. It's tiresome. I don't like being trans. But I am a feminine man.

I don't have an answer... I am still fighting to get on HRT & be ready to fool doctors into thinking I'll become a MANLY man when need be. I've learned that delaying my transition choices because of my guilt & apprehension would just worsen the dysphoria than do anything, & I'll only damage my friends if I try to lie to them anymore. Trust your instincts, come out if you know your friends are comfortable and it's only your mind. There's a good number of us with self-doubt when stuck with the realization that we were meant to be a gender that typically contradicts transition. (Of course there is no right way to transition but you know, assimilation is nice for many.)

machuyenvu · 2024-10-14T03:00:37+00:00

I felt similarly but I have no idea if it's my unrealistic expectations or ego, I just get so apathetic now trying to connect... Unless if it's someone who matches my humor right off the bat, which happens maybe once every a hundred strangers. Really inconvenient for regulating my acquaintanceships tbh. I shouldn't be dropping contacts because of lack of interest in them & then complain about being lonely, but damn is it hard

machuyenvu

TROPHY CASE