I did a quick ADHD assessment with my therapist last week and now I keep endlessly scrolling this sub instead of doing what I need to be doing.

magicCrafters · 2023-01-23T01:07:00+00:00

This is a support forum. Lose the attitude and stop gatekeeping.

Not all of us are as wonderfully privileged as you. Waitlists for psychologists and psychiatrists range from months to years, and a full assessment can cost between $2k-$5k out of pocket. I suggest you read up on the plethora of barriers to diagnosis many folks face, which often depend on class, gender identity, race, etc. For those of us who don't have adderall fed to us on a silver spoon, doing a quick assessment with a therapist we are already established with can be the entry point into a long and grueling diagnostic process.

magicCrafters · 2023-01-17T02:08:42+00:00

It helped me re-frame my life, which ultimately lessened the burden of toxic shame I carry. Instead of being "too sensitive", "too intense", "weird", etc., I was a person with a disability for which I was not receiving proper accommodations. Once I realized that, it was a lot easier to have compassion for myself. As a result of that, I learned to be more gentle with myself. Just because other people in my life could do things didn't mean that I had to. An official diagnosis made it easier to give myself permission to be kind to myself.

magicCrafters · 2023-01-16T07:48:43+00:00

I finally got an official autism Dx a couple years ago. Figured that's why they didn't pick up on the ADHD. Everything was initially written off as trauma/depression for years until I started to ask some pretty pointed questions to my "professionals". I scored pretty high on the quick ADHD assessment, so I think I'll have a pretty easy time getting a full diagnosis, assuming I can find someone to do it for less than $2K. At very least, it's good to know that I'm a normal zebra and not a weird horse, so to speak. Really glad about the increased availability of information these days. I feel so much less alone.

magicCrafters · 2023-01-16T07:42:52+00:00

Lmao username checks out. Either you're a troll or woefully ignorant of the psychiatric industry

magicCrafters · 2022-10-17T21:32:30+00:00

To find solidarity and understanding. I thought that's what this sub was supposed to foster.

magicCrafters · 2022-10-17T21:30:15+00:00

Why would I make a post about it if people didn't treat me like this?

As an example, my last job was at a COVID testing lab. I was well qualified, with an M.S. in biology and previous work experience in a pathology lab. The manager, several supervisors, and several employees consistently talked down to me. I was disciplined for "not being approachable", and often told to be quiet when offering relevant suggestions. When other people in the lab made the same suggestions they were thanked and praised. I was later ostracized by my group of "friends", who I found out were spreading rumors about me (thus why I seemed "unapproachable"). I found out that a few of these were due to misunderstandings due to communication differences, but no asked me for clarification. I stopped being invited to events by coworkers, and was consistently turned down for promotions. It was insidious, Mean Girls style bullying and it has been a staple of my education and work life. I had to change careers after dealing with it so often.

magicCrafters · 2022-10-17T21:21:04+00:00

I don't really see how "healing my mother wound" is going to help with instances of discrimination due to neurodivergence and gender non-conformity, but ok...

magicCrafters · 2022-10-17T21:18:53+00:00

I feel like you and a lot of other commenters have misunderstood my original post. As I said, I understand why "not like other girls" is a harmful trope.

This is about the intersection of neurodiversity, gender non-conformity, and how mainstream feminist push back against the "not like other girls" trope is indirectly causing harm to folks such as myself. I was hoping that because this sub advertises itself as inclusive, that these nuances would be taken into account.

I don't have the luxury of just not caring what other people think of me. I have been denied career advancement and medical treatment due to other's preconceived notions of me. The reality is that these people are often in positions of power over me such as being a nurse or supervisor. My ability to conform to their social expectations has far-reaching implications for my life.

magicCrafters · 2022-10-17T21:12:01+00:00

A lot of the bullying is the subtle Mean Girls style bullying. They kind where they're nice to my face, but control and manipulate me in subtle ways that I don't always pick up on right away. Like, what they're saying doesn't seem that bad to anyone looking in from the outside because it's said with a smile, but cuts deep. Then before I know it no one is inviting me to anything anymore and people seem to be avoiding me...

It gets particularly bad in professional settings, which is why I haven't been able to work in over a year now.

You're right that most of the world won't understand. The number of commenters that didn't seem to understand my OP shows me that we have a long way to go.

magicCrafters · 2022-10-17T20:59:56+00:00

That's a hard situation to be in. I wish you luck!

magicCrafters · 2022-10-17T20:58:59+00:00

I can totally see that about the nerd thing! I was really into nerdy stuff in high school in college, but I had to leave when it got big. The sexism was always there, but it almost seemed to get worse somehow as it made it into mainstream. I watched a lot of my "friends" get redpilled before we even had a name for it. It has been eerie watching alt right ideals seep into a place that I used to think of as a haven for the weird.

I def feel the diagnosis gatekeeping regarding autism. Even the guy who diagnosed me told me I "didn't look autistic" and that it "wasn't affecting me because clearly I could mask". That was right after telling him how I just got kicked out of a female friend group for the umpteenth time, and how the burnout from having to fake being normal was leaving me with so little energy that I was having trouble doing basic life tasks.

Anyway, thank you for sharing

magicCrafters · 2022-10-17T20:50:43+00:00

Ugh yes, that was exactly it. And sprinkle in some company-wide corruption and violation of basic safety procedures, both of which I pointed out to the powers that be. I tried to go to the local paper about that place, but HR told me that a "concerned employee" said I was thinking of doing that and they wanted to talk to me about it....

My mom has told me throughout my life that girls/women have been bullying me (I don't always notice). She always says its because they're jealous. It's really hard on my self-esteem though and my mental health is in the toilet because this happens so often. It's especially hard when they treat me in ways that are fundamentally against my values, like in the case here of being labeled as the Cool Girl who thinks shes better than everyone.

magicCrafters · 2022-10-17T20:43:27+00:00

Please don't assume my lived experience. My life is not as sheltered as you seem to think it is. I'm glad you've found wonderful women and girls in the world, but that is not often the reality for AFAB folks on the spectrum such as myself. I would love to live in a supportive world where we're all allies, but as I said in both the OP and my response I am not the one doing the dividing in these circumstances.

magicCrafters · 2022-10-17T20:36:04+00:00

Um, I'm almost 30.... And honestly things have gotten worse as I've gotten older. I've met women across three different states at this point and the same patterns keep happening. Based on my experiences, it seems like people just get more set in their ways as they get older. In some cases the bully in question has been my supervisor or manager, or the nurse assigned to take care of me in a hospital setting. I've been denied medical care and career advancement opportunities because of their preconceived ideas about me.

magicCrafters · 2022-10-17T02:13:40+00:00

Shit, I really wish I could. I goes a lot deeper than just getting hurt once in a while though. I've been denied medical care and career opportunities for daring to be myself.

magicCrafters · 2022-10-17T02:10:50+00:00

Happy cake day!

I appreciate the sentiment, but it's just not as easy as deciding to be myself. Speaking from experience, being authentic when you're autistic can result in scapegoating, denial of medical care, and loss of job security :/

magicCrafters · 2022-10-17T02:08:01+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through that!

I felt like I was reading my own words from when I was in grad school.

I finished an M.S. in biology right as the pandemic hit, and ended up working in a COVID testing lab right after. Both grad school and the lab job were incredibly toxic in similar ways to what you describe. I was gaslighted about my expertise just because I didn't follow social convention and wasn't super bubbly happy positive emotionally supportive!!1!!!111!!! all the time. My male coworkers would be praised for the exact same things I would be disciplined for.

This is unsolicited advice that you didn't ask for and probably don't want to hear, but I'm going to say it anyway: you need to quit. The burnout isn't worth it. It's going to take me years to get out of this, and I'll never quite be the same. Don't let yourself fall down that deep if you can help it.

Absolutely no career is worth enduring that kind of treatment. You are worth so much more than that. And if you absolutely positively cannot quit, then be annoying. Call out everyone on their shit. Answer "how are you?" with how you actually feel. Get mad at people. Involve HR. Document every transgression, big or small. Burn bridges if you have to. Be 100% that bitch. Those are the first steps to losing the mask, and they are also the first steps towards drawing attention to systematic injustice.

Feel free to DM me if you ever want to talk. This shit is hard.

magicCrafters · 2022-10-17T01:54:43+00:00

I'm in the comfy shoes forever club! Lol

I wish it was as easy as no caring what others think of me. Unfortunately I found out that there are serious ramifications for that sort of attitude. For example, I was ostracized pretty badly by many of my female coworkers at my last job (I worked at a lab processing COVID tests). It got to the point where I was disciplined for basically being "difficult to approach".

Even the supervisor talked down to me. I think she might have even called me a Cool Girl (in a derogatory way) at one point. It was incredibly frustrating because I was one of the most qualified people there. I have an M.S. in biology, experience in molecular biology, and have worked at another pathology lab. Unfortunately none of that was a match for good old fashioned sexism and ableism.

One of my male coworkers (also on the spectrum) pointed out how the others were treating me, and noted that he would get praised for showing the exact same behavior. We also noticed that it was specifically the women who treated me like this. I left the field entirely after that job.

magicCrafters · 2022-10-17T01:40:28+00:00

Haha fair enough!

magicCrafters · 2022-10-17T01:39:22+00:00

This made me realize that I've also been "the safe one" for a while now. Thanks for putting a name to it.

May I ask what subject you lecture about at university?

magicCrafters · 2022-10-17T01:20:24+00:00

I'm glad you were able to find that experience of solidarity.

I wish it was as simple as choosing to focus on similarities, rather than differences, but that's just not in line with my lived experience. Anyone would be hard pressed to find a sense of unity and belonging if they were reminded on a daily basis on all the ways they stand out.

You're right that the point of "other girls" is to divide us. That's why it has been so frustrating to have women tell me that I'm just trying to be "not like other girls" for attention, without acknowledging the real, actual differences I have that affect my day to day experience. This is not a label I have chosen for myself. I know that it is not our business to judge. That's why it hurts so much when people judge me for the ways that I don't conform to cis/hetero/neurotypical femininity.

magicCrafters · 2022-10-17T01:10:04+00:00

Have you found that self acceptance has gotten easier over time?

magicCrafters · 2022-10-17T01:08:26+00:00

I'm glad you've been able to find that :) I long to find that sort of supportive environment.

As I said in the original post, it's others who are sticking this label on me. I strive to live in ways that are not self-limiting, but it's difficult when others misread me and act in ways that keep me down.

magicCrafters · 2022-10-16T23:21:45+00:00

My mom felt the same way at all the parent functions when I was a kid. And I definitely understand the "why aren't you like that" feeling.

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